The VVitch Review

So, this movie came out in 2015 and I’m still salty about it.

Not so much the movie itself, but the Ex I saw it with had an analysis of it that I didn’t agree with and he thought I was wrong. Then he proceeded to mansplain Feminism to me and That true freedom for women is to sell their souls to the Devil, usually depicted as a man. So, we’re gonna get into this.

Before I saw this movie, I didn’t know much about it. I like horror movies and period films so I was mildly interested in it, my Ex was heavily into the Occult at the time so he wanted to see it because the Satanic Temple was endorsing it. I love history and enjoy learning about Witchcraft and actual historical evidence of witchcraft just being forms of natural medicine.

‘Whatever.’ I thought. ‘I’ll get popcorn and be happy with that if the movie is terrible.’

I’m generally a glass half-full kinda person.

So, I get my popcorn and we sit down and the movie starts.

Aw, cute baby. Weird Extreme Puritan Parents. The whole movie is in correct period dialect? Weird flex but okay.

About 10-15 minutes later. (Minor Spoiler Alert)

“IS THAT WITCH EATING-OH NO. NUH UH. WHAT IN THE FRESH FUCKERY IS THIS?!” I said, kinda loudly but it was just us in the theatre.

“SHHH!” My Ex rolled his eyes.

“But She’s carving up a kid?” Blood everywhere. Lots of sounds.

I know it's fake, okay? But that doesn’t mean that the combination of prosthetics, sounds, fake blood, and eerie music doesn’t get to you. I don’t know how some people watched those scenes and didn’t feel queasy or at least uncomfortable. I’ve seen people freak out over other movies that I didn’t think were that bad. But that movie, went to a whole other level and I personally was not comfortable with it at all.

I lost my appetite for popcorn after that scene.

The rest of the film is shrouded in sin-shaming and gender roles in horrific ways. I’m not into bloody horror movies, I like psychological thrillers. My Ex promised me this wasn’t bloody, he had already seen it before. I trusted him when he said that.

The bastard lied. LIED.

I looked away at several scenes because they were so graphic. I don’t know what that witch was doing exactly or what she looked like exactly, but I do not regret covering my eyes like a toddler.

There are things in the universe that I am fine not knowing about.

This movie was fucked up in so many ways, people. The movie has been burned into my brain for five years, I still can’t get it out.

Every once in awhile it pops back into my brain randomly, it’s almost like a Vietnam Flashback. I was watching a commercial where a mom was putting her baby on a changing table and it vaguely reminded me of a certain scene in that movie and I froze and had to take a deep breathe to erase the image out of my head and try to forget to sound of a baby shrieking.

Can’t look at those actors in any other movie or show. Can’t look at a goat the same way. I see babies and old ladies and I wanna save that baby. Can’t imagine going to a cabin in the woods for a night. A witch is gonna snatch my ass up and either grind up my body and eat me, sell my soul, or impale me with a goat.

So, when that movie FINALLY ended, I ran out of that damned theater. I went outside and had to take several deep breaths and try to erase that horror from my brain.

My Ex came out and asked why I was so worked up.

“...what?”

“Why are you being so dramatic? It wasn’t that bad.”

For him, it must not have seemed that bad. He LOVES bloody and graphic horror movies. He fell asleep watching Saw or Halloween or Texas Chainsaw Massacre at least twice a month. So for him, that was pretty tame.

But for me? Who does not like watching blood pour out of people’s bodies? I cringe at Tarantino films to be perfectly honest with you. For me, a normal person in most ways, that movie fucking traumatized me.

I went home that night, and even though I was 22, I left the lights on in my room but I couldn’t sleep because every time I closed my eyes I saw things that I did not want to see.

I watched Animated Disney films for the next two weeks straight. I couldn’t watch another horror film for at least a month.

I saw my Ex about a week after we saw that movie. We made dinner and watched some show, I think maybe Better Call Saul or something like that.

“So I went and saw the Witch again with my parents the other day.”

I gagged and rolled my eyes.

“I don’t really wanna talk about that movie anymore.”

“Well, they didn’t agree with my analysis either.”

“What analysis?” Yeah I walked right into that conversation. At the time I was a film major in college and had just aced a Film Psychology course. He hadn’t mentioned his thoughts about it too much when we saw it together so I was curious about what he thought.

“Well, I think this movie is really progressive about its portrayal of women taking back their lives from the oppressive patriarchy.” He said, smiling like he had just solved a riddle.

“It’s during the Puritan Era.” I said slowly, trying to piece together how he could have possibly come to that conclusion.

“And?” He said in a tone.

“They were not really a good example of female progression.” I was ready to bring out other Puritan Facts I knew by heart and site them. History of the Salem Witch Trials and other similar stories I knew almost by heart.

“That’s my point But the main girl, Thomasin was able to take back control of her life.” He said passionately.

“When she sold her sold to the devil who conspired with witches to kill the rest of her family off so she had no other option than to turn to him?” I was still really confused as to how he could even begin to think this was a feminist film.

“Her family happened to die.”

“Her family didn’t die by accident, they were murdered. By witches.”

“The devil didn’t make her do anything.”

“No, he just manipulated the situation so she would HAVE to sell her soul.”

“But Thomasin left the Puritan patriarchy.”

“And traded it in for another ancient patriarchy. A man is still in charge of her soul, I don’t really see the difference.”

“That’s because you refused to watch the important parts.”

“The psychology of the plot doesn’t change no matter how many buckets of gore you pour over it. You could be drowning in blood and the plot would be the same.”

“You just don’t understand.”

“I understand the basic human instinct to find patterns in nature to understand the purpose of life, and when they can’t find a reason they often turn toward a group that seems to have an answer. Doesn’t matter if the group is right or not, they just need an answer.” I was getting into this now. “What I don’t understand is how you think she had free will with either choice. The Devil gives her powers but takes her soul, damning her to Hell for eternity versus going back to a Puritan Existence in the village that exiled her parents; and they would’ve killed her anyway because no one would have believed her story and assumed she was a witch. Her options were to die or sell her soul.”

We ended up having a huge fight about this movie. He thought I should try to watch the movie again and see it with a new perspective. I thought that he was trying to enforce a male driven viewpoint that didn’t reflect actual feminism and that he should watch the movie alone and try to envision it from a woman’s perspective. Either way, I was NOT watching that shit again.

We almost broke up over that movie and our opposing opinions.

When I left he emailed me several articles explaining the movie. The one I found the most interesting was the one from the Satanic Temple. Not because I thought they were right, but because I realized he had memorized the review and just repeated it to me word for word.

He’s just an idiot to be perfectly honest with you. Thank god, or whatever deity you think is best, that I broke up with that one.

So, if someone tells you that they think the VVitch is a great example of cinematic masterpiece.

Run.