The Truth Behind The Wall

We all care about what others think of us, no matter how masked you present your feelings about it, we all secretly crave to be liked. The internet has progressed tremendously since the AOL dial-up I had growing up. I can still hear the dial-tone now! I used to chat with my friends (when I was allowed) and I loved having a creative username that made me look “cool”. I was excited when we graduated from Myspace to Facebook. I was even more elated when it came about because I had a college email that allowed me to participate. Those rules have progressed as well.

Time moves forward, we grow, technology advances, and we get lost in the mix. Our lives are so busy that we’ve become a society that is addicted to screens that we barely know how to interact when we come into contact with another being. We have memes to laugh at what life is really like instead of using our own words. Our walls are solid brick and many of us are afraid of having a window installed.

I have always felt like everyone is staring at me. I am a sensitive person. Anyone who has crossed my path over the past thirty-one years knows it too. I have extreme anxiety and constantly my mind is assuming what another human thinks of me. Here are a few examples of what my mind does:

• I eat a salad: “Oh good! She must finally be on a diet!”
• I eat fast food: “No wonder she is fat.”
• I wear my hair up multiple days in a row: “Has she even showered?”
• I buy a coffee when I have bills to pay: “No wonder she is in the hole. I wish she would quit complaining. She is so annoying.”
• I am building a new family: “Wow, I wonder what happened. She must have fucked up. Poor thing. How does she do it? Is she struggling? Can she do it on her own?”

The thoughts never stop. It is every moment of my day. My mind continually gives me a commentary of what others are thinking of me and more often than not, I am probably wrong.

In high school I struggled with thinking I was fat. I would avoid eating just so I could stay under a certain weight because I wanted to be a flyer in cheer-leading. I was a rail and still felt I was morbidly obese. In college, I got pregnant and was not married. I was so embarrassed that I was paranoid elderly people were staring at me when I was out and about.

Once I got engaged I made sure every person could glance at my hand to show that I wasn’t a slut. As time moved forward, I constantly portrayed I was happily married. Social media displayed my life as a perfect image. You never would have known that on the way to family photos we argued the entire way, I was being physically and verbally abused behind closed doors, or that I had been cheated so many times you couldn’t count on two hands.

I purposely wouldn’t post photos at events if my spouse was not there. Even if I was angry with my spouse, I would flaunt my “love” for him. I portrayed my life the way I wanted people to see it. Time passed, life became more complicated, and eventually I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think. Sometimes, you just need to do what is best for you.

Now, I am a woman living as a single mom with no family in the close vicinity. I have two sons whom I care for every moment unless I am working or they have a visit with their father. I am sure social media “friends” have been perplexed watching from a distance. According to my social image, I was happily married.

I kept silent with no explanation. I began to post my real life. Suddenly there are photos of another man in my life and you see the other party is marked, “in a relationship” with another woman. It is confusing for outsiders to know what is going on unless they are in our daily lives.

I have an acquaintance that I’ve known for quite some time. The social image given was a happy marriage. All of a sudden there were pictures with another person. Then a new marriage and family. Everyone is loving all of the posts and happy for their life changes. It didn’t matter what happened. What mattered is they were happy.

I did nothing wrong in my life by living it nor did they. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. I was too invested in what others would think of me. If I had managed to live my life making decisions for myself instead of what I felt society wanted me to be, I probably would be in a completely different place in my life.

I am working on being okay with who I am and where I stand in life, but how many of us are truly content with where we are? Are you?

I struggle financially, but I have a full-time job and a side-gig. I have an extreme amount of debt from student loans, a vehicle, medical expenses, and credit cards. My credit is terrible and I have no earthly clue as to when it may change. Every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, another bomb hits my life.

I am a hot mess! I am unhappy with my body and would like to take action to change it, but my exhaustion level is extreme. I wish I had a higher salary so that I didn’t have to work two jobs to care for my children. I wish I was the mom that has breakfast ready and wakes her children with a smiling face. Instead I toss waffles at them and rush out the door. Dinner is take-out and caring for them is by allowing screen time and taking a breath for myself on the couch or even hiding out in my bedroom.

Am I ashamed? Yes.

Do I do everything right? No.

Can I change it? Yes.

Will I? Eventually.

I am grateful to have my children, the love and support from afar, and to have been lucky enough to find my soulmate shortly after my eleven years of playing pretend. Life is hard, we all play the game, but we play it to please others instead of ourselves.

Often times when we do what is best for us, we hurt others or are seen as selfish. However, if you are unhappy, the people who are close to you feel it the most. Those behind the screen are just there to buy time and escape from their own life or potentially they are there to find someone to relate to.

It’s okay to struggle and be yourself. It’s okay to have people laugh and tell you that you could have a hit reality TV show based on how messed up your life is. Your voice is more important than your social image and using it can be vital.

I’ve spent my time….

• Quietly crying in front of mirror.
• Sobbing myself to sleep.
• Sweeping everything off a counter-top out of frustration.
• Throwing a phone to feel less trapped.
• Drinking to ease the pain.
• Overdosing in hopes that I won’t wake up.
• Writing suicide letters.
• Cutting my wrists or ankles.
• Smashing light bulbs, glass cups, and even a fish bowl to get glass to hurt myself.
• Screaming or smacking myself repeatedly in the head.
• In the behavioral health unit.
• With a therapist talking things out.
• With a psychiatrist experimenting with what medications suited my needs to aid my depression and anxiety.
• With too many things to even list.

The difference over the past year has been my voice. I’ve found it, put it to use, and it has saved my life. A little over a year ago is when I spent every day unable to cope. My emotional trauma overcame my life and I could no longer function. I had hit rock bottom.

I had friends worry about the horrifying thoughts they knew were inside of my head. They knew I needed help and I am grateful that they took me to get it. I spent a week in the hospital and I came out still having employment, a life, and my children. Shortly after, I experienced the traumatic loss of one of my best friends from college and I felt like I was dying all over again.

My voice allowed for support to swarm in and lift my spirits. My social image changed over time: I became myself, my true feelings are expressed, and reality is posted just the way it is. I do not post nearly as much as I used to because I am busy living my life instead. My true self came alive and I have revealed myself as an open book. It feels wonderful to release the pressure and live life instead of putting on a show.

Do I still have depression? Yes.

Anxiety? Yes.

Am I happier? Most certainly.

Is it worth is? 100%

Be yourself, it’s okay to be transparent. It is the most attractive version of one’s self. It is YOU. You are who someone is looking to connect with. Install a window, then a screen, and a door…then open it. It is okay to let people in; it is alright to show yourself. Open the doors and give yourself the opportunity to love YOU and others the opportunity to get know you.