The Truth About My Relationship

Can I get really, really real with you?

Okay.

I met my wonderful partner around the end of February 2020. We got to know each other in the first few weeks of March, where I told him we were just friends. My feelings soon changed, and then during the same week we made it official, quarantine happened.

We tried to sneak around at first, not that it was hard. But we were supposed to be staying home, and I was still making my way to Patrick's house for sleepovers. Eventually, we just decided that I should stay at his apartment with him and his mom for the foreseeable future, because we didn't want to be apart, and I really didn't want to quarantine alone. I just never left after that, LOL.

Patrick and I didn't even have any physical intimacy until about six months into our relationship. We spent a lot of time together and built a good foundation based on communication and all of the fun that we had together.

We both saved each other, in all honesty. I was in one of the worst places of my life before I met Patrick. The night before I met him for the first time, I was out at some dude's house doing coke. I feel asleep on Patrick's couch halfway through our date, and he never got mad. He just let me sleep for a bit, and then he sent me home in a cab with money to pay for it, too.

He showed me that it was okay to let your guard down. It was okay to feel safe with somebody. That there IS good in romantic relationships. I showed him that he's so much more than he thought. He was also in a bad place when we met - extremely lonely and depressed. Because of his mental health struggles and past experience, he was starting to give up on love.

And the thing is, so was I. So maybe that's how we found each other. Because we both weren't looking for it anymore. Either way, we found each other. And because of our relationship, we both gained enough motivation to work on ourselves and start to make our lives better.

I have done nothing but grow since I've met Patrick. I like to say that you can only grow so much, based on the soil where you're planted. I was not planted in good soil before I met Patrick. He helped nourish my soil, so that I was able to start growing in the right way.

But here's the thing - I've been struggling with doubts about my relationship since the start. I'm writing this because I think a lot of people do, a lot more than we realize, and I want you to hear that it's normal.

If you don't know, my past is riddled with trauma, especially relationship trauma. And though this is the best relationship of my life, my trauma still makes me question it. Why? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's just the trauma, maybe it's something a little more intense. I'll have to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

I told my partner these doubts, and I know that he is the right one because of his reaction. He didn't freak out, he didn't become defensive. He was calm and he said we would work on it together.

I want you to remember that people on the outside can only see so much into your relationship. Today, I went to the store. I had just gotten into a fight with Patrick before I left, so I was stressed out. I was visibly upset and I explained to the store clerk that I was not upset with her, I was stressed out from my boyfriend. And you know what she said to me when she handed me my change?:

"If he stresses you out that much, he's not worth it."

So as someone that struggles with doubts, possibly even something that is deeper and caused by trauma (Again, I have to talk to my psychiatrist about it), this was not what I needed to hear... obviously!

It made me question - how fast does she walk away from her relationships? How quick is she to cut people out of her life?

When she has doubts, does she just leave?

Or does she actually try to make things better? Does she try to work it out? How does she know anything about where I am in my relationship? (Hint: She doesn't.)

In other words: Why are you projecting on me?

If you've been in a bad relationship, or two, or three, don't just assume I'm going to leave my partner after we have a fight. I actually try to work on my shit, thanks.

Her comment caused my doubts to ramp up, but I was able to calm down by remembering that she probably has given up on a lot in her life when it got hard. So why does her opinion matter?

I don't want you to give up on the things that are important to you, like your relationships and career, because you doubt them sometimes. I'm sure you don't doubt as much as me (GO TRAUMA!!), but if you're a normal human, you've doubted something in your life that you appreciate and that is a good thing.

If you're really struggling with doubts badly, take it from me: Talk to your partner. If they are the right partner, and you explain what you're feeling and why, they will work with you to make it right.

Real partners, real connection, and real love doesn't just walk out of your life after an argument or a bad thought. It's communicative, committed, and resilient.