The Trapped Extrovert

I am sure this sounds like a broken record to say I started this year believing this would be my year. That I would make certain things happen for me, achieve certain goals, and expand my group of friends which had, and still kind of is, non-existent.

However, Mother Nature had other plans. For a lot of us. Or perhaps it wasn't even Mother Nature, maybe it was a human, trying to obtain some devious leverage by creating a problem to be the one with the solution.

But I am not here to discuss conspiracy theories - that is for another time.

Time for me to be a little selfish, a little self-absorbed. In case you do not know what ENFP means - it stands for Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceptive. It comes from MBTI which I have linked for your further curiosity should you have it.

The quick explanation about an ENFP means always being in your feelings, being able to sense other peoples' feelings, and needing to be around others about 99% of the time. Of course, this is my personal experience as an ENFP, for others, it may vary though I doubt it would be a huge difference.

So why does this matter you may ask? Welp, I'll tell ya. It matters because being trapped inside an apartment, unable to really go places or do things or hang out with people really put a thorn in my side - my BUTT to be specific.

Not to mention the constant stress that exudes from almost every person the rare times I leave the apartment. And when I do not, the stress comes through the screen. The consistent fear-mongering gets really old so I remove my attention from Facebook - one of the most stressing Social Media sites. Filled with reposts of horrible atrocities, the constant bickering over politics, violent protests, and confusion over the accuracy of a vaccine when or even if it will become real.

But that only works so much, I still experience the fear through word of mouth. People just cannot help themselves from telling me some terrible occurrence that happened today. Apparently, good acts or experiences don't exist anymore because no one ever brings that up. Nah, that's too boring now.

Now its become a joke. Memes scattered across the web about people improperly wearing their masks or those who don't want to wear them at all. The mounting stupidity honestly gives me a migraine. Such a simple act, to wear a mask, and yet when I go grocery shopping I see multiple noses poking out triggering me to yank the mask into place. I don't of course, but the temptation, ugh.

Friends are concerned to hang out despite the fact that I work from home and go nowhere. Meeting new people is equally as difficult, we can't meet at home so that means we meet in public? An equally concerning and dangerous thing to do.

Forget other people for a minute, I had things set up. Activities for me to do during the week that would make me happier and healthier. Things like Ariel Yoga and Belly Dance class. COVID-19? canceled it. Now, Yoga is open once more but class is almost always at capacity. And going anywhere just feels like an unnecessary risk. Things that used to give me happiness instead give me anxiety.

I am not entirely alone, but for an extroverted person, my battery is at 10% and has been for a couple of months now. The only way to fill it up is with good people.

I've let the outside world scare me inside even though it is slowly killing me. I used to dog sit before this, something to get out and take care of animals because that's just a feelgood activity but now no one needs me because everyone is home.

I suppose this may come across as all very childish and petty but it is the little things that add up and mean the most to me. Half of the things are closed, I don't know what is or isn't open anymore. I ended up cutting my own hair and that was a mistake hah. Wish I could see a stylist but I don't even know if that is an option or if that is even a good thing to risk. Getting essentials from the store is a risk.

I suppose the only good thing to come from all this insanity is that since I HAVE to wear a mask - I don't have to worry about putting on makeup or my face not looking great. Plus it is easier to spot the stupid people.

So I find myself daydreaming about buying and learning the cello. As well as practicing my artist side to test out my possibility of being a tattoo artist. Trying to take pleasure in the little things - just different things than I had before.

Musings of an ENFP over and out.