The Sun shines only at night

The sun shines only at night I thought to myself while laying on my deathbed. I have lived a full life and done things most people only read about. My body was worn out. Even the parts I had replaced were worn out. That included bilateral hip replacements, new knees, a shoulder replacement, and a kidney given to me by a stranger back in 1982. I turn 85 next month and although my body says I've carried you as far as I can carry you, my mind yearns for more.

When my inside voice speaks to me, it's the same voice, the same volume, and the same tone as it's always been ever since I can remember. My body tells me to rest and let the pain medicine drown out my aches and soreness, yet my mind won't hear of it for fear of muting my ability to think and process my memories. Yes, I remember everything. I left home as a teenager and never returned except to bury my Dad. I've traveled the world and made fortunes. I've also spent fortunes. I've loved women and raised families. My adventures took me to every continent on this planet and across every ocean and most of its seas. I learned to speak 8 languages fluently but I quickly understood that everyone communicated in one primary language, greed. Along my journey, I made friends and I made enemies. And now, as I near the last hours of my life, I lay here all alone examining my life. I have no regrets. Sure there are things I would have done differently, but I regret nothing.

When a man is but 18 years old, he feels invincible. To him, forty years old is a long way from now and sixty years or even eighty years is unfathomable. Now that I am almost 85, I've learned this is not long at all. If anything, eighty-five years is barely enough time to accomplish anything in a man's life. I begin to cough again and I feel a bead of sweat on my brow. I realize my time is getting shorter when I hear the door to my room open and I hear the faint footsteps walking towards me. I dare not turn my head or open my eyes because I'm already in a comfortable place and to turn my head would only make me uncomfortable. If I were to open my eyes, I might lose my place in thought. Instead, I lay perfectly still listening to the footsteps as they drew nearer to my bed. Then they stopped.

I strained my hearing for the faintest of noises but could hear nothing over the whine of the IV machine. Then I felt a warm hand lay across my arm for a brief second, followed by more footsteps going away from me. The door closed again and there was nothing but silence other than the whine of the IV machine and the beep from whatever monitors were connected to my body. Did I mention my body is all but worn out, but my mind is razor-sharp? Within a few more seconds, I felt a warm thrush-like feeling sweep over me followed by a feeling of euphoria. I thought to myself that must have been my nurse giving me more morphine to help ease my pain. I'm pretty sure I told her to go easy on the pain medication because it interfered with my thinking. I'll have to tell her again when she comes back if she comes back.

Let's see, where was I. Oh yes, I had left home as a teenager and joined the service and was sent overseas to the South Pacific to fight in a horrible war. I lost a lot of friends and I even got shot, but I held my own and made it out of their alive. When I got out, I moved to Alaska where it was cold and I lived in the woods by myself for a long time. I didn't want anything to do with people after the way they treated us at the airport when we came back from the war. I met a girl and we got married and had a couple of babies. But she got sick and died and her family took my babies and moved further north into Canada where I couldn't follow. So I came back south and started over. Things were going good, and I had saved up enough money to buy a boat, but...there was a knock at my door. Before I could answer, someone walked in and walked up to my bed.

They started speaking to me, but they were talking too loud and too fast for me to understand them. I opened my eyes but the damn drugs caused me to flutter them so I could only keep them open for a few seconds at a time. It was a preacher. He was praying over me. I attempted a smile but I don't know if he noticed or not. He seemed to be in a hurry because as soon as he said "Amen", he spun on his heels and marched right out of my room. I didn't have a chance to catch my breath before another nurse came into my room. She was much slower, more deliberate. She walked over to me and placed the things she was carrying on my bedside table.

Apparently, I was a sight because she took a towel and wiped the sweat away from my brow. Then she adjusted my pillows and blankets to her liking and picked up what looked to be a syringe. I was thinking to myself that maybe this medication would help me wake up. There was so much I wanted to say. I was struggling to breathe, so she stopped and adjusted my nose candela and then injected the syringe into my IV. "More morphine!", I thought to myself. Before I could complain, I closed my eyes tight. I felt my breathing become more shallow. My body stopped hurting altogether. My senses were heightened and I felt like I good hear a pin drop. Then I noticed my family sitting on a couch not far from my bed. They were all hugging each other and crying. My oldest son was standing on the other side of my bed and he was rubbing my arm and shoulder and telling me how much he loved me.

I took a final deep breath and saw the brightest light I've ever seen in my life. It was like the sun. It was like the sun was shining in the middle of the night. And for the first time in a very long time, I could see clearly in the darkness.