The Stream of Consciousness

A billowing cloud of smoke rolls off his lips, the tendrils of smoke that escape his breath float weightlessly above his head. I take in all of the small details of his face, as if seeing it for the first and last time. He glances at me and we catch eyes, and that’s all it takes to become lost in the ocean that is my psyche. Does he even realize how gorgeous his eyes are? The way the emerald green blends so flawlessly with the baby blue. One look and they pierce through all of my walls and envelop my soul.

Everything about the way he moves is so fluent and graceful it’s as if he’s done everything a million times before. Some part of me, perhaps bigger than I’d prefer to admit, is afraid that this is too good to be true. Miracles don’t happen, do they? Not to people like me, at least. But, then again, somehow I’m still lucky enough to have him by my side. It hasn’t even been that long that we’ve known each other, but it feels like I’ve known him for a lifetime, or more. I don’t understand how someone so unexpected can just drop into my life at such a perfect time and – BAM – all the promises to myself that I was done with relationships seem to dissipate without a second thought. And yet, here I am. Staring out the window of my passenger seat, not looking at anything but rather looking through everything. The gravity of his hand on my knee is the only thing keeping me from drifting away in this breeze. The familiarity in the bond we share is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. All the more reason for me to be skeptical, I suppose. I remember the first time that his phone number lit up my LCD screen, my heart didn’t know whether to stop completely or beat its way out of my chest.

Hearts are monsters though, that’s why ribs are cages. Only those daring enough to tempt the beast are those who truly discover the beauty that lies within. That’s all I can hope for. Is it that maybe, just maybe, he won’t be like the majority of other guys out there, and will actually be brave enough to take the risk. Listen to me, talking like some middle school girl who just had her first heartbreak. Crazy as it seems, I almost feel like a little girl again when I’m with him. All of my insecurities and fears fade away with every glance in my direction and every crooked smile as he turns away. I’ve heard about his past thought, it isn’t exactly the cleanest or most honest, but hell, neither is mine. Or anybody’s for that matter, I don’t care what he might have done in his past relationships because in the short time that we’ve been together, he has made me happier than I have been in years. I can’t even explain what it is about him that makes me so carefree and comfortable.

He doesn’t even have to do anything to make me feel that way either. When I should be panicking, I’m calm as can be. When I should be stressing out, I just breath and then I’m good. How is it possible that I struggle with severe anxiety for my entire life and then he just walks into my life and suddenly my anxiety is overpowered by tranquility. I wonder if he has any idea how much he means to me. Do I mean nearly as much, if anything, to him? I can’t help but feed my insecurities in those dangerous times when left alone with my thoughts. Once I start to tread those treacherous waters there is usually no going back. That’s when the anxiety begins to take over and I start panicking. It’s pretty sad actually, I should be able to control myself by now and know how to cope with my own mental illness but sometimes there’s nothing I can do about it. It just starts and there’s no stopping it, it goes from just a slight quivering in my stomach, then expands to a vibration in every single cell in my body. My heart rate increases, my hands start to shake, my jaw clenches to the point that a shooting pain races through my teeth and up to my ears. STOP! You’re letting yourself get too worked up. Look at you, sitting next to someone who would do anything for you. Someone who’s all about you, don’t let your anxiety screw this up for you like always. You’re stronger than this and you deserve what you have.

He sensed the change in my energy right there. I can tell by the way his grip on my knee tightens, simultaneously pulling me back to reality. The concern shadowing his face melts my heart just a little because it’s that reminder that I need to keep myself from allowing my demons to show themselves. In this moment in time, right here, right now, with him, I am indestructible. I am a Star soul that finally found her King soul to guide her.

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