The Strange Thing About Suffering

This is one of those articles that I began writing without knowing what was going to come out. These types of spontaneous writings are the most interesting pieces from a writer, I find.

You type long sentences of nonsense, trying to pad out the length and hope something interesting, fun, or engaging for your readers comes out. In these types of pieces, the author really puts a lot of faith in the muse to carry you through them. Which is what I'm about to do here.

I don’t know how many of you write for a living, but I’m sure you know what I am talking about when I describe some sort of (most times) inane twinge in your soul that drives you to sit in front of your word processor of choice and just write, sometimes just to see what comes out.

On a cold, snowy, and grey day like today here in downtown Toronto. One of those normal, unimportant Tuesdays with people commuting to work amid a crescendo of horns, break screeches, and terrible drivers who have the patience of a 3-year-old trying to learn advanced mathematics. I decided to break my however-many-month hiatus of writing to sit here and write you this nonsense.

Frankly, I’m surprised you made it this far, but I’m glad you did. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I have been struggling with my depression and ADHD for the last few months. It’s like my brain works on some fucked up cycle, I feel great for a few months, then something switches and I feel like a whole different person.

It’s like some sort of dark, miasmic, cloud of self-loathing, depression, and anxiety has come in from nowhere causing intrusive thoughts and judgment. Sometimes making it almost impossible to function regularly.

Though this time I know the trigger was my one-year unemployment anniversary, which brought back the horrible memories of the abuse and bullying I suffered, reported, then got fired for, in my last place of employment. The reality is that this can happen at any time for any reason and no reason at all.

The state of things in the world nowadays doesn't help either. We are coming off of this crazy two-year pandemic which has crippled economies, people, and businesses. A disease that has sent death tolls skyrocketing, destroyed families, and somehow given companies a free pass to jack up the prices of everything in attempts to create record profits within this autocanabalistic capitalist dystopia we all live in, under the guise of inflation.

In the economic downturn most of us are suffering right now, there are people who are losing their homes, being laid off for no reason (in the case of the tech industry), and struggling to figure out where their next meal is going to come from; companies and governments don’t seem to care about any of us who make our respective countries run.

Some of us, like myself, struggle to find jobs and income while people like Bobby Kotic, Micheal B Medline, and Miguel Patricio rake in profit off the backs of us who suffer. The world is broken right now, and I don’t blame any of you out there suffering like I am. It feels like there is no hope…

Today, though, while I was driving back from dropping my beautiful, kind-hearted, and supportive spouse off at work. I saw a little girl who was walking to school, a big pink, glitter-flecked bag almost too big for her body stop and kneel down beside a lady who was clearly homeless, cold, and hungry, pull out her little lunch bag and give away her sandwich. Just out of nowhere. She handed this poor lady her lunch and continued to walk to wherever she was walking.

I broke down and cried waiting at this stop light. Just balled. That little girl gave me hope today. Hope that I will be published, that I will find a new job in a new city, and that everything will be okay. I hope she gives you hope as well. Though everything seems hard right now, you aren’t alone. We all are struggling here in normal-person-ville. We will be okay, keep on going. For me and everyone around you who cares about you.