The Start of it all Story #1

So you have always wanted that type of relationship where the other person just adores you and shows you everyday how strongly they love you, kinda like those cheesy relationships on tv shows and movies. Where they realize they love each other and at the same exact time one of them goes running to the door and the other opens the door and they meet each other with a long goosebump romantic kiss like neither one of them are going to ever let go. Like honestly who believes in that mooshy crap? Well sadly I did and I still do, but now that I am holder and have gone through a crap ton of heartbreak I know that it is most likely not possible. But when late teens and early 20s that is all I hoped for, I would throw myself at any attractive guy that would give me the time of day. I was young stupid and had deeply rooted father abandonment issues, So I never believed I was worth anything or worth making someone actually try because I was always the one trying and putting the effort in.

I think I was about to turn 21 and I realized that I needed to work on me and be happy with me, so I put my attention on working, fitness, my girlfriends and well I was still partying but I was not out to find someone I went out to have fun (but I think in the back of my mind I still always wished I would find someone). Then one day I started to consider online dating and back then it was not as common as it is today, so the apps were kinda crappy but I did meet a few people but none that actually stayed around. Until this man that literally looked like my dream man messaged me, he had these crystal blue eyes, dirty blonde hair but his hair was cut pretty short, and we just hit it off. We never had a silent moment and constantly talked for I think about 4 days and we decided to go out on a date and meet. I was so nervous but when I saw him my heart dropped he was even better in person, tall not skinny not fat or chunky but just perfect. We started having a few drinks, we talked, we danced but we were all over each other for most of the night. I could not stop kissing this man, I just felt like we were made for each other, and Yeah yeah I know sounds super cheesy but honestly that is what I felt in that moment.

Well after our first date everything moved very very fast, we moved in together, got married, and he joined the military all within the first year of us dating. Things were not perfect and we were both strong willed and looking back now he was really not ready to settle down. He was a very heavy drinker who honestly could not hold his liquor and acted a fool, but for some reason I stayed and always thought he would get better because I always saw there was a good man in there and on our good days we were just comfortable and basically best friends. I always believed if I put in all my energy and just loved him things would get better and sometimes they did. Which I will take full responsibility I was not the perfect wife but who is right? In the end and after already leaving him once then coming back, having a kid, things ended in a way I never thought or even imagined would happen. (but that story is for another day because it is way to long to add here, but I will tell it on my next story).

So I was a woman with no career, no money, an almost one year old, shattered and broken, living back with her family. But you know what time still went on, and I still had to be a great happy mother with my child and take care of him. All my focus went on kid and finding work and trying to rebuild myself and life for my kid and I. Everyone says I am strong and resilient but there are days I just want to cry and sink into a deep dark hole. So if you have a similar story to this know that you do not have to bounce right back it is going to take time and it is not a set time it can take maybe a few months, years or maybe that broken heart will always be there but it will depend how you handle it and how you keep getting through your days. It is okay to cry, it is okay to still be sad years after but just keep trying to remind yourself that yeah the other person caused that pain but that is on them the only thing you can control is yourself. So do what might make the days easier for you and if you don't have an idea of what that may be just try googling or researching through Pinterest. I never thought I writing would be my outlet but it has helped so much to get the thought and pain out of my mind and on to paper and now here telling part of my story. Because maybe my stories might help you get through your day a little easier.