The Roads They Take

Alice stared at the message. She blinked. Her mouth went dry. "Is this your daughter?" Was it? Alice enlarged the photo on her phone. It was deliberately blurry. Or maybe it was the bad lighting in the room. But it was unmistakably Ivy. It even had Ivy's name on the account the screenshot came from. Ivy Marie with fire emojis after her name. There was a large flower covering the lower portion where she sat with legs splayed but Alice knew what the flower was covering. "Ask for the link to see the real deal." The caption read. And then suggestive fruit emojis followed.

Tears welled up in her eyes. So this was the road they take. Ivy had a boyfriend named Drake. They had been together for nearly ten years, had two kids. Devin was nine and Amie was eight. Alice loved those kids more than life itself. Ivy and Drake had always fought from the very beginning. They were like gasoline and fire thrown together. But once their children came, Alice had hoped they would pull things together. That they would become a perfect little family. But they didn't.

Cash strapped all the time, they constantly tapped Alice for financial help. There was a time when Alice had the financial means to mete out nearly any amount they could have asked for. But...there's always a but...life took a twist. Alice became a woman of meager means.

Alice gave up her high paying job out of state, packed up and moved home to be near the grandchild that was coming. At that time Ivy and Drake were separated. Drake had cheated on her while she was pregnant and Ivy had left him. So, Ivy was going to be a single mother. Alice strongly felt her place was with her daughter at a time when she would be most vulnerable, alone and on her own with a new baby. It was a big decision because Alice was walking away from the best job she had ever had and her husband was, too. Alice had built a life where she was and had tapped into all the things her rural life in her home state had never afforded her. She would be giving up Mardi Gras, the French Quarter, her Coven and her teaching Circle. But a grandchild... she would walk through fire to help with the child that was coming. Even returning to a state that would be a spiritual desert for her. The decision was made. Alice and Rick had looked at houses in their home state. They found a cute house in a town that had lots of things for Grandparents to do with Grandchildren. Alice and Rick expected this to be their final home for the remainder of their days.

Rick finished up his retirement tour in the military and Alice and Rick moved to their new home. They were barely thirty days ahead of the birth of the grandchild. Alice and Ivy worked on a nursery together for the new baby. It was a boy and the name settled on was Devin James Martin. Ivy was insistent that she wanted her son to have Drake's middle and last name even though he had been long gone for months. Alice didn't want to fight about any of that. She just respected Ivy's wishes. Alice was counting down the days to the birth which was a scheduled c-section. She enjoyed really close bonding time with Ivy. They hadn't enjoyed time together for a number of years. Alice believed their relationship was turning a corner in the best of ways.

And then his call came. It was late at night. Alice and Ivy had been to the store to get something for a craving Ivy was having. It was Drake. And so it began. He was drunk or high, Alice couldn't determine which, and he was crying. He was sorry and he wanted to come back and him, Ivy and their baby boy be a family. And just like that, Alice was booted from being the birth coach. And when Ivy left the hospital, she left with Drake, not Alice. Alice had abandoned her life, moved 1300 miles and set up home to be there for her daughter and in the blink of an eye, Ivy moved over a hundred miles away to live with Drake and his family. Alice was devastated. She tried to cope. She ran everything through her mind. Alice tried to be the bigger person and understand. But it was crippling. It was weeks before Alice saw her grandson.

Right on top of the birth of Devin James came the pregnancy with his sister, Amie Alice. It was somewhat heartwarming to have her granddaughter named after her, but just as with Devin, Alice saw very little of Amie in early infancy. The only way Alice got to see the grandchildren was if she made the two hundred mile round trip to see the children. It was very financially cumbersome but Alice dug into their savings to make it happen. When Ivy needed a sitter so she could take a job, Alice actually drove the two hundred miles daily to go sit with the grandbabies. Alice had no job - she had injured herself in the move and had been going through physical therapy to fix a frozen shoulder. This meant she had the time, but she didn't truly have the money. So, Alice raided her savings account to make things work. Meanwhile, Alice and Rick struggled financially to make ends meet. Their previous house was not doing well on the market so they were struggling with double mortgages. Rick was attempting to use his military opportunity to attend college now that he was retired. But because of the hitch in their finances, Rick cut back his classes and took a part time job to keep things going while they continued to try to sell their previous home. What Rick didn't realize was that he cut his class hours too deeply which caused the military to decline payment of his tuition and to refuse to pay him a stipend while he attended classes.

All these life changes made and financial hardships were endured for the love of grandchildren they hardly saw. Alice was beyond depressed. But she continued to try. Ivy began to have a personality that was mercurial and cruel. Alice walked on eggshells fearful of the cruelty. Although she had always come across tough, opinionated and hard nosed, deep inside, Alice was tender and easily hurt. Her rough, tuff exterior was a shell she had learned to put up to protect herself. She rarely let anyone in. Rick and Ivy were the only ones. But now that Ivy had Drake and Kevin and Amie, and Drake's family, Ivy cut Alice out pretty much altogether.

Alice spent many nights crying herself to sleep. She journaled. She attempted to look at things from many angles. Alice tried to be understanding, and take into account that Ivy had her own family now and that Alice just needed to accept that. That even though she and Rick were not getting to be "every day" grandparents like the other family was, that she would just have to make whatever time she did have with the grandkids special for them and for her. This plan was the only thing that helped Alice cope. She knew if she didn't take this tack on things, Ivy would accuse her of being jealous, controlling and meddlesome.

It worked for a while. Alice reached out every few weeks to see about getting the babies. At first, she was rarely if ever told no. But then suddenly, everything became contingent on asking Drake if it was okay. He's the father and he has first say about his children and whether he wants to forfeit time with them. Alice took this into account. Had she been asking too often? Was she being too clingy? Had she been rude somehow? She had reservations about Drake. After all, he had hurt her daughter. He had cheated on Ivy and then left Ivy abandoned through most of her pregnancy, showing up only at the last minute before his son's birth. Alice chastised herself for the thoughts that floated through her mind that he popped up just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. That he would have control of the situation by being in a relationship with Ivy. He would get his name on the birth certificate as the father in case there were custody issues later... Alice would shake these thoughts away. She had raised Ivy. She had to trust that Ivy was making sound decisions. Why wouldn't she? She was a grown woman now, even if only barely. And she had a right to make whatever decisions she deemed were in her best interest and that of her children. And besides, she didn't have to like Drake, but she did have to accept that he was important to Ivy and therefore, that made him an important member of their family. Alice was determined to get to know Drake. She wanted to like him. She needed to like him because he had Ivy and her grandchildren in his control. Alice chastised herself again. Why would she think of it like that? Drake wasn't controlling her daughter. Ivy could leave any time she wanted to, and she would if she needed to. Alice had to believe this.

For the next four Christmas's, Alice and Rick took Ivy to buy Christmas for the kids. Alice held her tongue and didn't ask why Drake wasn't buying Christmas. Instead, Alice used it as time to enjoy bonding with her daughter. Seeing the excitement in Ivy's eyes as she picked out things for her children made Alice's heart sing. Alice accepted that this was something she could do as a grandparent for her grandchildren. The kids didn't know it was Alice who bought it. It was all from Santa.

The fifth Christmas, Ivy told Alice that Drake felt excluded from the experience of Christmas shopping for his children. So, this year, Ivy just wanted Alice to give them the money so that her and Drake could go Christmas shopping together for their children and it be a family thing. Alice listened to Ivy on the phone as she very rationally explained to Alice how she had taken over Christmas and always pushed to be the one doing the shopping. Alice wanted to push back and remind Ivy that Alice picked out nothing. She gave no input on the gifts. Alice merely trailed Ivy through the store as Ivy picked out things on the list that she and Drake had made together. Alice's only purpose on those trips was to swipe the credit card terminal at the cash register. And to hide the gifts at her house until Christmas. Then Alice was expected to wrap everything and make the two hundred mile round trip to deliver the gifts to Ivy so her and Drake could put it under their tree and have Christmas as family on Christmas morning. Alice wasn't invited. Not to Christmas morning and not to Christmas dinner. Instead, Alice had Christmas dinner with her aging Mother and brothers. Of course, Ivy, Drake and the children were invited. The response was always they would come if they could work it in since they had other places to be. They wouldn't be able to stay long and they probably wouldn't eat because they would have already had one dinner and then would have to eat again later. So, Alice's family dinner was the one they didn't eat at or have time to stay long. Alice died a little inside each time but she kept her outward bravado. Ivy was grown. She wasn't Alice's little girl anymore. Ivy had her own family and Alice told herself often she had no right to have any expectations. Alice eventually planned a totally separate dinner from Christmas at Winter Solstice for Yule. That was truly her holiday anyway. But out of respect for Ivy, she never mentioned anything at all about Yule. She just called it a Christmas party.

A new pattern began to emerge. Ivy began to evade Alice altogether. She wouldn't answer Alice's calls. She wouldn't respond to Alice's texts. If Alice kept trying, Ivy would answer the phone and then blast Alice telling her that she was busy. That her and Drake had a lot going on and that she couldn't be at Alice's beck and call just because she thought Ivy should pick up the phone every time it rang. Alice shrank away. She stopped calling ever at all. Ivy didn't seem to notice or care. Alice found herself thinking, "if I died would Ivy even notice?" Alice chastised herself. She couldn't allow herself to have such thoughts. She attempted to find hobbies so that she would have things to occupy her hands and mind. But it festered. Not in anger, but in a deep soul sucking pain. It was like ice that was freezing Alice to her core.

Then the random happy calls began. Ivy would be in her car and would call Alice. But after speaking for only a few minutes, she would hang up because Drake was calling her. Apparently Drake tracked Ivy's every move. If he wasn't physically with Ivy, he wanted to be on the phone with her. Alice began to worry. Was Drake abusive? Controlling? Although Alice wasn't able to physically see Ivy, she paid attention to social media posts. She noticed over time how gaunt her daughter was looking. Almost skeletal at times. What was Alice missing? Was her daughter sick?

And then the truth came tumbling out. Ivy confessed she had gotten addicted to pain pills. Alice was confounded as to why Ivy even had access to pain pills since to Alice's knowledge she had never been hurt. But Drake apparently used pills to drop weight when he needed to speed up his metabolism. And Ivy began to partake, "Just to take the edge off the day, Mom. You wouldn't know what it's like to have two kids since you only had me and you worked all the time so it's not like you had to really be a mom. I was at daycare all the time." Alice felt slapped. It was a strike she never saw coming.

Alice had tried for eight years to conceive. After a few early miscarriages, Alice sought fertility counseling. One treatment would cost more than six months of Alice's salary, and they assured her she needed to do at least three treatments a month if she had any hope of being successful. Alice tucked her dream of motherhood away. A pain she couldn't bare to discuss with anyone. When pressed about when she planned to have children, she had always said, "Someday maybe. If it happens it happens. We're not doing any birth control or anything." That was actually true. Since Alice couldn't conceive because her body's immunity system killed sperm, Alice did what she always did. She hunkered down in pain and acceptance. So it was with great shock that after six years of abandoning birth control, Alice had her first viable pregnancy. It was everything Alice had ever dreamed of. She spared nothing. She did the nursery. She made baby quilts. She sewed bassinet covers. Alice had never been happier in her life. When Ivy was handed to her after 24 four hours of intense labor that turned into an emergency c-section, Alice thought heaven itself had opened up and given her a cherub for safe keeping. Life with Ivy was perfect until she hit thirteen. And that's when the trouble started. Too, late, Alice realized her constant doting on Ivy had turned her into a self focused person. What Ivy wanted, Ivy found a way to get. If you refused, she had no use for you. So, truthfully, what Alice was experiencing with Ivy now as a grown woman, should not have been a surprise. Alice just had it all hidden down deep inside because it was too painful to acknowledge.

The addiction took over Ivy's life. She became a liar, a thief, a dealer. And now, staring at her phone again at the photo her friend had sent, Alice saw that Ivy had now become an online porn queen, flaunting her body and dropping links to see the unedited versions of the photos.

Alice cried. She sent the pain down deep. She didn't respond to her friend. What could she say? Alice didn't want Ivy to know she knew. Ivy would just attack and accuse her of being old and prudish. Ivy would tell Alice how she just doesn't understand the modern world. Alice would have to hear how women are free to do anything that they want. That her body isn't shameful. And there is nothing wrong with other people admiring her body or for her allowing others to admire her. Perhaps she's right. But Alice wondered if her cherub truly chose this life for herself. Or was it to please Drake because he had made her feel sexually inept so many times with his cheating? Or was Ivy so desperate for money she would do anything? Was it bills? Was it her addiction? Was it to hang onto Drake? And why wasn't Drake posting edited nudes of himself? Why was it only Ivy?

Alice shut down. She cried. She died inside. Depression took hold. She told herself, you can only hold them when they're small. You can't ever hold them back no matter where they take their lives. You can gave them life but it is their life to live. They can live it any way they want. You don't have to approve. They don't need your permission. Ivy can live however she wants. She can even live her life without including you.

Turning off her phone, Alice rolled over in bed and let her tears soak into her pillow.