The oil king Rockefeller had a saying: If interpersonal communication skills were as much a commodity as soup and coffee, I would pay more for them than for anything else.

Ninety per cent of the world's problems are the result of not being able to communicate.

You work so hard, don't lose out on not being able to communicate.

01 Listening, the foundation of communication

When it comes to communication, many people do not think, think I speak, I express their views, this is not communication?

In fact, it may just be your confession.

As George Bernard Shaw said: The biggest problem with communication is that people take it for granted that they have communicated.

We are only concerned with what we say, and we are not concerned at all with whether the other person has listened or understood.

On the other hand, if we are listeners, we rarely reflect on what we have actually heard. Are they true and accurate?

In "The Way to Communicate", Debutante mentions that talking with your mouth will only push people away; keeping your mouth shut and your ears stretched is what makes others want to communicate with you.

An American presenter interviewed a child: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The child replied, "I want to be an aeroplane pilot!"

The presenter then asked, "What would you do if one day the plane you were flying over the Pacific Ocean had a stalled engine?"

The child replied, "I would tell the people on the plane to fasten their seatbelts and then I would hang up my parachute and jump out."

The audience roared with laughter, all thinking the child was naive and making up his mind.

Only the MC paid serious attention to the child, waiting for him to say more.

At this point, the child's eyes got wet and the host asked him, "Why?"

The child replied sincerely, "I'm going to get the fuel and I'm coming back!"

Without the facilitator's attentive listening, the child would not have had the opportunity to say what he really wanted to say.

This is what listening is all about.

Shut up in moderation so that you can hear the other person's heart.

02 Do you really know how to listen?

Some people may say that listening means I don't say anything and listen to the other person.

It's so simple, what's so difficult about it?

In fact, there is more to listening than just passively listening or not listening attentively, there is a way to listen.

A wife once complained that whenever she talked to her husband, he would not interrupt and would respond to her words with an "ahhh", but when she asked him for his opinion, he was completely baffled.

He would either not answer or not know what his wife had just said.

It is clear that the husband's ears are a mere device and he is listening, but not taking in.

This is perfunctory listening.

If people just bring their ears but not their hearts, how else can communication take place?

The co-founder and CEO of Get App and Luo's Thinking has proposed "structured listening", which means that after receiving the information from the other party, we need to structure it.

We need to draw three frames: the emotions, facts and expectations of the person we are communicating with.

By locking down the frames, we make our listening more effective and our communication easier.

The first frame, emotions.

Our seven emotions are all categories of emotions.

Very often, we don't display these emotions directly, but we do express them through words, through speaking.

Therefore, effective communication involves listening to the emotions hidden in the other person's language.

For example, we often hear people say that every time they help their children with their homework, the chickens come home to roost.

Is there emotion in that statement?

The answer is yes, and it's still an obvious emotional outburst.

Once the words "always, often, every time" appear in the other person's language, we need to understand that the other person's words are emotionally charged.

These words are defined as "emotional signposts" in The Way to Communicate.

When the other person uses these words, we need to realise that he is not stating the case, he is venting his emotions.

What should we do about it?

Don't argue with the person about the facts, but calm them down first.

Help the other person stabilise and calm down in order to maintain effective communication later.

Communication between couples, regardless of good emotions, can erupt into arguments and even hands.

Communication between family members, not doing a good job of managing their emotions, can hurt family ties and breed conflict.

Communication between friends, without first sorting out emotions, will alienate the relationship and create a divide.

The other party will not speak from the heart when emotions are bad, and he will not listen to our heartfelt words.

So, listening requires a good first frame, seeing each other's emotions and calming them down.

After all, the best communicators are good at managing emotions.

The second framework: the facts.

The purpose of our communication is to understand the facts and solve problems.

If we can't get the facts right, there is no point in communicating.

How can we be sure that we are hearing the truth when we communicate with each other?

In The Way to Communicate, we are taught a technique: if we can use the four Ws to recreate the actual situation, then the other party is likely to be telling the truth.

The four W's are who, when, where and what.

Take an example.

A husband comes home late and explains to his wife that he is late because the company works late into the night.

When the wife hears this reply, she can apply the 4W rule to check whether her husband's statement is true.

She can ask her husband what project and what he had to work late for, which department he worked with, what time he left the office, and whether he went straight home after leaving or went for a quick bite to eat first.

If the husband can answer the 4Ws accurately, the wife can decide if what he says is true.

With this factual basis, the wife won't be tempted to blindly accuse her husband, and the husband won't have to deal with his wife's suspicions, so the two of them can talk properly and understand each other.

Communication is based on facts, so that there is something to be said.

The third framework is expectation.

We need to understand what expectations the other person really desires to get or achieve in the communication process.

What is it that they want in their heart.

With the first two frameworks in place, we have understood the other person's emotions and stated facts, next, we have to combine the two to determine their expectations.

What does the TA want?

Let's use an analogy.

A customer service agent of a company receives a call from a user complaining about the quality of a product purchased and the person is particularly angry.

What should you do?

Do you apologise sincerely to the customer and tell them "don't be angry"?

Obviously not enough.

Many customer service staff, upon hearing a complaint, can easily lose control of their emotions and become inexplicably impulsive, unable to think about the real intentions behind the customer's complaint.

Apologising is not a complete solution to a customer's grievance.

The more you apologise, the more angry the customer will become.

When customers get angry, their words tend to get out of control and the customer service agent is easily triggered by negative emotions, and as a result, the communication turns into an ineffective argument.

What is the right approach?

The Ways to Communicate mentions first admitting your mistake and acknowledging the other person's emotions, and that the other person should not have to bear the consequences of such a mistake on our part.

Apologise earnestly and then offer remedial measures.

For example, give the customer an exchange, a free refund, and a small gift to make up for a little loss.

These clear actions are what the other party really wants, that is, what he expects.

Take off the flowers and mention: By clear action, you translate the other person's expectations into implementable actions in accordance with all the previous information, so that the other person clearly feels that you have indeed listened to him and planned out actions in accordance with his expectations.

Think deeply.

Behind all communication is nothing more than our need to be seen, recognised and fulfilled.

03 You've worked so hard, don't lose because you can't communicate

Communication is not a personal matter between you and the person you are communicating with, but between you and the world.

Learn to communicate so that you can be unstoppable in life.

In his new book "The Way to Communicate", Mr. Fei Buhua shares a lot of the underlying logic and methods of communication.

How to break the ice, how to praise someone, how to reject them, how to criticise them, all of them are covered in the book.

There are a variety of scenarios listed in the book, and I am sure that there is one that will suit your situation.

We can all find resonance in the book. Through our own reading and thinking, reflecting on our own problems and shortcomings in communication, and referring to the methods and strategies given by Off the Flower, we can change ourselves and improve ourselves.

Many people are unfamiliar with her when she is mentioned.

She flunked out of high school at 17, lectured to entrepreneurs at 18, became chairman of the board at 19 and became a columnist for TigerSniff.com.

A casual search on the internet will reveal her glittering biographical background.

Someone once commented: whether speaking publicly or in private, whether communicating internally or externally, Buhua always has that flowing, one-touch, clear-eyed beauty.

It is not difficult to find that those who are good at communicating are more likely to succeed.

Learning to communicate will make a difference in life.