The Last Message

We had been texting for a couple weeks now. I got her number through a mutual friend of ours and while it was weird and first, once the communication was established, it went off without a hitch. Long sleepless nights going back and forth talking about mundane things. And as someone who always tried to go to bed early and get decent sleep because 6 am was just around the corner, it was the first time I can remember that losing those eight hours was worth it. Whether it was our days or stupid videos and pictures we wanted to share, they usually were fairly light hearted. With the exception of a couple nights where it was a lot of talking about more real and serious stuff. Family, future, friends, relationships; whatever was the flavor of the night if the conversation got to that point. Unfortunately, I always went to bed so early because I needed to get just as early, I ended up falling asleep and apologizing for it the following morning. She would wave it off as nothing, but deep down it felt like I was being rude falling asleep whilst we open up to one another. It didn’t help that I was on my really old rinky-dink touch screen phone. Not an iPhone; something more ancient than that. So, my texting speed was hemorrhaged a great deal because of it. Another reason to feel bad. I always felt like if I didn’t respond quickly, the conversation might just end. Even if I wasn’t the one who initiated it in the first place. So, I made it a point to be quick about replying. Didn’t have to be instantly, but fast enough there isn’t a lull in the conversation.

Luckily, our talking got to a point where sometimes we’d do it in class. It was tough to pull off without getting caught, but honestly, senior year was when teachers didn’t really care, especially if you did your work, which I always did because I wanted as little homework as possible. We only had one class together, and then lunch right after. It was fun to text someone how they’re doing when they aren’t around you, when you’re not supposed to, technically. You learn their schedule through doing so, and most of the time the messages were always about how bored or tired she was. Or, how she had to work after school that day and was dreading it. I always tried to put a positive spin on those kinds of messages, and most of the time it was met with reluctant “yeah, I guess” responses. Which made me feel like I could be doing a better job at trying to keep her chin up. I learned overtime and got better at it, but never to the point where her mood would do a one-eighty and she’d perk right back up. I guess at the time, there were some things that just would do that to you. And work for her was one of them. Another one was having to go home if she and I were out doing something. There’d always be this little pause when her mom would call or message her. And before she would respond to the call or hit send on her reply, she’d take a little sharp breath in and then look at me. And in those situations, I felt so powerless. I would want to just hold her hand; in fact, I only ever actually did that once. And that was when she forgot to do something her mom had asked of her, and knew what was going to happen when she got home.

That instance the pause was a lot longer. And when she looked at me, the expression in her eyes was much more one of pain and really just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. When I grabbed her hand and did the little thing where you move your thumb across someone’s hand, I really think it had the greatest positive effect on her. Something that didn’t need words; a simple gesture of kindness and support to let her know that no matter what was going to happen when she got home, I was there. And I was going to be there, which is why before she left that night and told her to call me when it was all said and done. She knew what I meant. She forced out a little smile and nodded. I never heard from her that night. So, I sent a single message, and went to bed. Unknowing to me, that would be the last time she and I ever really talked on the phone. Like we used to.