Humans logo

The Journey to My Sexuality

The Growing Curiosity of Exploring My Sexuality

By Nia WheatPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
Like
The Journey to My Sexuality
Photo by The 77 Human Needs System on Unsplash

Welcoming myself into this space and conversation is key.

I'm a very open person so a lot of what I say makes people uncomfy, and this might if you're not accepting of...

If you're not interested in...

If you don't like...

ETC.

Anyways, HI,

I am bisexual and it is really getting complicated in here.

What an intro. amirite??

But no, seriously, it's getting complicated.

My therapist told me that I might benefit from a polyamorous relationship, and that another client told her about it, and dot dot dot.

Not knocking anyone's lovey-dovey-ness

but by all means, not for meeee.

She asked me about my run ins with women and if I've always been attracted to women, or if my past lover was my first...

I told her I had a girlfriend in college, and she was my first,

but little Nia always knew she loved the women.

I was a tomboy, seriously,

and still very much still am.

My parents even had to take all the pants out of my closet once just to get me to wear skirts and dresses...

I still played outside with the boy neighbors, got all dirty and scraped up...

and sent my parents into raging fits because I just couldn't be "like my sister". *fake cries into hands*

Then there was that scarring day...

Oh, I was so young.

I had no idea what in the world "gay" even meant, or that it was an actual word,

but my dad knew,

and he made sure to tell me he wasn't raising one...

"one" meaning lesbian and that lesbian was ME so I had better "figure it out"...

(That also came up in my therapy session.)

All of this is to say that I am coming into my sexuality but I don't go by labels.

It is quite simple for me...

I like both genders.

I do not see people for their sex but rather their energies and if I connect with them or not.

That's all.

And the rest goes from there.

I do not have to do research, or ask a lot of questions...

The complicated part is coming from my relationships side.

I have never been good at them, and of course as humans we want connection, that is one of our natural instincts,

but what happens if you connect with multiple people on pretty much the same wavelength...

Now of course it is always different every time but they all pretty much end up giving you the same thing.

And I do not believe in soul mates because there is absolutely no way, in this entire world, that someone can only have ONE other person out there made JUST FOR THEM?!

No...way...

Not me.

I fall in love with almost everyone I meet!

Or at least I fall in love with their goodness.

Okay okay, I fall in love with their potential...

before I even see the real person, and that gets me into a lot of trouble.

And as I've studied the 3 attachment styles, I also spoke to my therapist about this, I have realized as of lately, that almost all of my partners, and family members are anxious-avoidant people!

BOOM!

My head blew off.

Honestly, it makes such a huge difference knowing your attachment style and the 3 attachment style, and then self reflecting on yourself, your partners, your current partner, if you have one, and your parents/family members.

I am an anxious-secure attachment style, and still working on it,

but the avoidants and anxious-avoidant attachment styles I cannot deal with...anymore.

Again, I fall for the potential, but the problem is that so many people are not aware of the things they do...

they are too caught up in their selfishness and play the victim card for everything/pride...

and now that I am all "woke' on the attachment styles I'm like no ma'am, no sir, not me, not today... and I immediately want to dip,

because if you are not constantly reflecting on yourself then what are you doing with your life???

But love is a real thing for me.

I told my therapist that I might be a serial lover, and we laughed but we were also very serious.

And she told me

That it is not a bad thing to be a lover and be such an open and vulnerable person like I am...

and then she asked me if I wanted to be like them.

And I said hell no.

And we laughed again and she said yeah, I think the way you are is better.

So, now I am on this journey with my sexuality, finally.

It seems so liberating to not feel like I have to choose anything, finally.

I am fully accepting of the fact that I like both genders, I do not conform to any of the too many labels created, and being created.

Love is what love is.

I have always said that we feel what we feel.

Attraction is just as natural as getting angry, feeling pain when you stub you pinky toe on something, or the pleasure you feel when you eat ice cream.

More than likely, if it isn't giving you a sense of peace and those growth challenges then it isn't love, at least it isn't for you, and that's okay.

Letting people go is always super hard, trust me...

I am living proof of how much being a good person makes people come back.

I have never had anyone not come back...

I have been called a lot of names and treated a lot of ways, and even those people came back.

But like I always preach, it starts with you.

And you can also decide where it ends with you.

Your reactions,

your responses,

your changes,

your growth.

Sometimes offering friendship is the best kind of love between two people, and that is okay.

Sometimes cutting people off, going to cycling classes, and taking yourself on dates is where it's at too!

Accept yourself.

Be patient with yourself. (still learning this one)

Lean into the discomfort.

And always know that

it all starts and ends with you.

lgbtq
Like

About the Creator

Nia Wheat

▪▪▪A Way of Expression. ✌🏽▪▪▪

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.