The In between

THE IN- BETWEEN BY:PACSAC

There will come a time when the next chapters don't include him. Our chapter can’t be rewritten, and one I probably won’t finish… I just don't have the words in me…This one will forever linger on..

Our relationship ended but our story is forever written.

Right now I'm stuck in the in-between.

This isn't your typical hook up.

I never had feelings for the guys I hooked up with, we didn't hang out, there wasn't that intimacy.

I will always care about him. Those feelings will always be there deep down. But hooking up hasn't made them more prominent or heightened.

And definitely not overwhelming.

He runs hot and cold these days, wanting me, saying all the right things to not responding to my texts and being nonchalant. But still telling me what he is up to.

I get it we aren't together, we have our separate lives, and by all.means he owes me nothing.

He's not mine, I'm not his. I will be happy for him if he move on to someone who can give him a baby.

But honestly if he moves on to someone who can't and doesn't want one I think that would kick me in the gut. Left with that feeling of why we couldn't make it work…. I MAY BE REPLACEABLE BUT HE WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE LIKE ME.

But when we are together things don't change. We don't change. Which is refreshing.

I like who I am when I'm with him.

No stress, no bullshit, just an escape.

One day we will move on.

But one day isn’t here right now, for me now anyway so in the meantime why not embrace the calm?!

Let's just stay in the in-between a moment longer.

Continue what just comes naturally between us.

I thought the chapter was over, but he can't deny that this is just about sex with us.

I don't think it could ever be.

I wish I could sleep.

These restless nights haunt me.

He's not preventing me from moving forward.

I'm just not looking.

Waiting for what will come naturally.

However long that takes, I'm not rushing into something for the sake of moving on.

This will take time.

You wonder why I have trust issues.

Dating sites open up a realm. A multi-purpose way to stay home in jammies and talk to multiple people at once.

Never knowing anyone’s true intentions, only proving we are disposable because there are always options, Good morning texts from multiple men, to chit chat during the day. Hard to keep up, hard to navigate, and more challenging to weed out, I actually hate this whole online dating concept.

One I don't want to turn to again.

Texting is super impersonal.

I appreciate a phone call.

I never imagined still trying to conquer this life solo at this point of life now being an empty nester.

And at the end of the day, I’m still lying in my bed alone.

I am a guarded girl, a hyper-independent sort, so to speak; if I let you in, it’s not because I need you to complete me. It’s that I found something I want to invest my time into. Need and want are two different aspects.

Granted, I am a little rough around the edges, I am a bit jaded, and my optimism is sometimes hanging by a thread.

This next chapter will be my most challenging to write yet.

The next guy interested in getting to know me needs to write a 500-word essay on why they won’t waste my time.

I'm going to be fine.

Right now he has access to me.

Especially sexually, if I had the same option I'd utilise that. Why masturbate when you have someone in the flesh touck at your convenience?

I don't have the same access to him.

I'd be all over that

I'm only allowing the access because I know it's pleasurable and I get off every single time.

Damn my high sexual needs…

However, I need something more frequent.

This is the Perfectly Imperfect Situation if he thinks about it. An open opportunity to explore and experiment.

Again I won't wait around forever.

Sex can be addictive with the right person.

Unfortunately for me he's my drug of choice.

But one day I won't look back, and not settle for breadcrumbs.

One day I'll get everything I deserve. And someone who craves me as much as I do them.

I'll remain single until the next person naturally walks into my life…

Playing for keeps.