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The Frightening Truth About Whistling

by BK Johnsen 6 months ago in humor
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Is whistling about to die?

"Whistle while you work."

-The Seven Dwarves: Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Conquest, War, Famine, and Death

All jokes aside, this global pandemic has been one of the most awful things over recent generations. But let's table that dark truth, and bring back the possibility of jokes just for one blog post, because I think it is finally the right time to allow a very serious problem to come to light: Whistling is in grave danger.

Did you know that since COVID-19 broke out, whistling has been down a whopping 99% in my household? And in my local supermarkets and streets, it is down 110%!?! (The extra 10% comes from the new common-law practice to look down upon any accidental whistlers in public until they either beg for forgiveness, or give you their wallet. Trust the math. Trust the science.)

Now believe me when I say that I am very against anyone being careless enough to whistle near someone else's face, or spreading germs unnecessarily. Health and safety always comes first.

But for me, music and the simple joy of whistling are also very important parts of life's pleasures. And I just can't contain my fear of losing my love of whistling anymore, okay? I just can't! I have to say what is in my heart before it tears me apart from the inside out…

I've waited almost two full years to say this out loud, so I'm very sorry if I'm coming off as anything but a humanitarian for the people.

That being said, I want to make myself very clear: I love and value all human life much more than whistling. If given the choice to save humanity or cut off every one of humanity's lips, I'd do the former. So please have no fear: I'm definitely here to help you whether I'm approaching you with a puckered mouth, or a pair of scissors.

Conclusion - What Can We Do?

The terrifying truth of whistling disappearing globally is yet another uncovered evil that COVID has done to us all. This can no longer be just swept under the rug.

But what can any of us do about all this?

Well, unfortunately, if you bring up whistling in the current state of things, everyone just rolls their eyes at you and hates your guts. Trust me. I've already lost five jobs, two friends, and one parent over this.

So here is what I'd recommend: Bookmark this story to remind yourself that this very real threat to all our whistling is slowly spreading over the globe. Like, watch, and subscribe to this video EVERY DAY. Maybe do it twice, if you're really bored.

Stand up for music! Stand up for LOVE! Do NOT let whistling become a thing of the past just because of some stupid virus.

Let's all take this vow together. Say it with me now: "When things ARE safe to do in public, and in the privacy of our own homes, I will whistle like there's no tomorrow!"

Thank you to all my whistler fans, and even you non-whistlers out there for reading about our plight.

Until next time, may all your listicles be round and mighty. And may all your laughs be sound and hearty.

The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the alcohol the author has consumed. They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of the CDC or its members. The designations employed in this publication and the presentation of material therein do not imply the expression of any opinion whatsoever on the part of the CDC concerning the legal status of any country, area or territory or of its authorities, or concerning the delimitation of its frontiers.


About the author

BK Johnsen

Author of 𝐵𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐹𝑎𝑙𝑙 & 𝘓𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘜𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥, streamer, podcaster, entrepreneur, karaoke-enthusiast, & Jedi. Born in Seattle, I now live in Japan with my wife, working on keeping my own Pride in check.

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