There actually is a fear of falling in love. It's called philophobia. This is more than just being too shy of having a crush. It's when someone has an actual disorder of even giving love a chance. I was self- diagnosed with it. That was ruined for me, so I thought.
Growing up, my parents divorced. My sister constantly got into breakups. My brother had one failed relationship and hasn't been in one since. Love wasn't a strong figure in my family. So whenever I see couples standing there in the streets, I automatically think that they'll only have a limited time with each other. Others may call me cynical, but that is just how I've been seeing it.
When it comes to friendships, I don't think of anything more. Friends come and go too. So I already reassured myself that at the end it is only me. I have to be independent. I can never rely on anyone. So then I ask myself, what's the point of having others around? Is this the behavior society conditions? Is this what the future generation has to deal with? I am extremely mortified.
So there came a time where I became acquainted with someone that always clung around me. Eventually, I thought of him as the only best friend I'll ever have. He was always so nice. Asking me about my day. Wondering what I want to do with my future. Buying me my favorite candy when I hated everything in the world. Coming over my house at 2 am just to talk to me about his crazy dreams as we both laid in my bed.
At this point, I still thought of him as my friend. Just a very close one. He taught me that there are kind people out there in this world. He knew everything about me at this point. He dissected into my soul. I got to know him for who he really is too. I allowed him to because he didn't have that many friends either. He was my social life.
Since he had a big family, he asked me to go to his family parties. I really wasn't too sure because I had the worst case of social anxiety. So many things would run through my head. Like if he needed to go chat with his uncle, who am I going to talk to? Am I just going to be on my phone and then have his family talk garbage about me since I'm being rude? I have a low set of skills when it comes to being social. As embarrassing as people make it seem, I literally had no friends. Unless you counted my cousins that live on the other side of town, then okay I may have some. The people I went to school with were total snobs and blabber mouths. I couldn't trust anyone. Even during group projects, I begged my teachers after class if I can work alone because it was that bad. I didn't have him in all my classes. If I did, I wouldn't have this issue (and I can finally do half the work on my projects).
So about his family gatherings, he convinced me to go to one because it was his little brother's birthday and that he promised to be with me the whole time so I would feel comfortable. I gave in and he was jumping for joy. That's when his super dorky side kicked in and I couldn't help but have a heart warming feeling inside.
The day of the party, I went. But I didn't dress up the way I go to school, with a baggy sweater, ripped jeans, and beat-up Converse shoes. I told my sister I was going to a family party and she stopped me from even leaving. "I know you are not going to a party like that. At least look like you're awake and going to a party, since you are." She exclaimed. So she did my hair, minimal makeup, and gathered a casual but cute outfit. I was feeling a bit uncanny since this was nowhere near my signature look. However she did have a point to look decent, but I still wasn't sure why she cared about this even more than me. I was just frightened more because I had to talk to a whole bunch of new people for the first time.
I got in front of his house, and he opened the door. Still feeling weird for my unusual attire, he felt something different. He paused before he even welcomed me in. "Well look at you, did you just come back from a photoshoot?" He asked. I tried so hard not to laugh all stupidly, but I did smile. My cheeks were really hot. They only got like this whenever I got really nervous. However, I wasn't even nervous. What was going on with my cheeks? Am I actually enjoying this feeling?
He introduced me to all his family, they were the nicest people in this universe. So inviting, caring, and wonderful spirits. I did catch his dad raising his eyebrows and then winking at him. I didn't really know what that was about. My social anxiety wasn't even existent at that point. I could be my actual self.
I got to spend more alone time with him. We went upstairs to his room. I never actually been in his room before. I get to see all his trophies, awards, and plaques for all his academic achievements. Turning around I got to see all his video games and controllers. All his comics were lined up in alphabetical order. Now going to school with him, you'd just think he's a simple guy. Just wait until the day you stepped into his nerd cave. I couldn't believe it. This was actually a museum to me. There it goes again, my cheeks were getting hot and my heart was beating, what is happening right now?
"I need to tell you something." He said softly. I turned around and he looks at me like I was some sort of relief for him. I really don't know what I am experiencing. I'm actually afraid to hear what he has to tell me.
"I've known you for a few years now. I want you to know that I couldn't have survived highschool without you. I never revealed myself to someone on a personal level before in my life. The minute I saw you walk into science class, I felt something inside of me wake up. No, I'm not talking about my penis." He mentioned as I chuckled. "You have this light, and when I'm around you I no longer sense no darkness. I know you have your days, but my goodness, when you smile I feel like my whole life feels right again. I've been with some girls before, but it wasn't even for a full two weeks, so I never felt what I'm about to get to. You make me so happy, that I really can't let this go. You make me want to be an even better person. I don't want to grow with anyone else but you. I am in love with you." He finally stated.
Love. He used the word "love." He used it as a verb. I am his direct object. Have I been oblivious this whole time? Have I been spending my time with someone that makes me sad when he's not around me? Or when he accidentally falls asleep when he messages me? Or on days that other girls check him out, I feel some type of jealousy? Is this what's been going on this whole time? Have I not got the hint? Why is this happening to me? I'm mentally hyperventilating. Why me? He knows my phobia. Why did he not leave me like the rest? Why is he still here for me? I don't get it.
Suddenly, I am okay with what he just told me. Because for the first time ever, I can look at someone in the eyes and not feel scared. I can breathe like I dropped all this weight off my shoulder. I can be open to someone like a book. I can realize that just because it didn't workout for my parents or my siblings, doesn't mean it'll never workout for me. That there is someone out there that really loves you and cares about you for who you are as a person. That everything will workout in the end. That if you can finally get over your worst fears, you become not strong, but invincible.
With that being all thought out, I finally look at him and give him a look I never imagined of giving. "I am in love with you too," I said as he grabbed my face and made love to my mouth.