The Emergence of A New World

Hello everyone,

My name is….. not so much of importance as the love, life and need to create I cannot contain, to share it with the world around me in hopes that it may expand, regenerate & fill voids.

I begin this short story because a part in me demands to be heard and it is that same voice that also says, “because I too need love, I too need and deserve to expand, I too deserve to regenerate and I too deserve that this void be filled with unconditional love”.

I feel that we as human beings have forgotten what it means to love one another without conditions, without labels and limitations. We have put our differences to the forefront and have forgotten that this human-ness, this greatness, this uniqueness is only possible because we learn from one another, we learn from the [one] which is all. We have forgotten that all these differences don’t actually matter as much as the inner world that we share within. We have forgotten that we are made up of the same particles, same organs, muscle and tissue and most importantly that force which gives us life. That force which is also nature itself and we have too forgotten that it is so intrinsically connected to us for life itself has given us the most beautiful reflection of who we are as an individual and as a whole if we take a moment to appreciate this gargantuan chunk of matter we call earth. The reason why it is self-sustaining is because it is diverse, different and unique and comes in all shapes, sizes, and realities yet all of those realities co-exist and work together to create, sustain and regenerate. The most beautiful yet accessible representation of love.

Why have we forgotten ourselves?

How do we come back home?

I write this very short narrative about a firm believe of mine because even after all the adversity I’ve faced in the very short span of time I’ve lived in this world thus far, I believe I have so much to give and share with the world. I believe I can make a difference and I will not be content until I make it a reality.

I am a free being, that does not believe in labels because labels are limitations in the flow of life itself yet since the human mind is so fixated on the physical world we see I feel compelled to describe what I am as an act of love - I am a latinx, non-binary being with indigenous, european & afro roots. I am a first generation child of immigrants from Mexico, I am a DACA recipient, a dreamer, a sexual abuse survivor, a non-consensual drug induced near death experience survivor, a fighter, a lover.

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Up until about 5 years old I was completely free. My entire life since I was a little boy I always felt as if the world had turned against me, I felt different because I liked doing things the usual “boy” wouldn’t. Growing up in Mexico where masculinity is a hyper-reality and enforced by the culture I found my day to day to be very challenging to feel like myself and stand firm in my truth.

My father being a pretty important person of influence at the time in a tiny town in Mexico (about 1,000 inhabitants) had shown me so much already, so much love and unconditional acts of service and love. One vivid memory I still live with today is as a young 5 year old seeing him handing a great deal of cash to a man with a mother who was ill and needed urgent care from a medical provider, doing so because he could, because he cared and I know this because this man has known suffering. These acts of unconditional love showed me “your father knows something” and he became the very first person who I decided I would allow myself to listen to and let guide me and tell me everything I needed to do yet little did I know I was going to be wrong because he also showed me the first sign of negligence towards “different” and that different resembled something that I resonated with very much yet didn’t really know why it was seen as “wrong”.

Having to move to America and learn to assimilate at the age of 7 for the opportunity at a better future with higher education & healthcare was a great deal of challenge. A chronically ill younger sister who unfortunately passed away was perhaps the higher driving force at the time.

Once in America I had a very challenging time not only living in but also going to a predominantly white school where there was little to no diversity. I saw yet again in a volume that had multiplied by the hundreds a force that was the opposite of love being directed at things that to me didn’t matter though questioning thoughts soon became the prevalent force. My feelings towards the same sex at this point were more and more clear than ever before and I began creating this urge to hide myself against this truth because the entire world around me including important people in life that loved me agreed it was out of accordance with the world or simply quieted themselves when someone needed to stand up was beyond needed.

I soon negated this part of my life so much that it resulted in shutting down every other aspect of myself which eventually turned into a full shut down. I became very depressed in my 7th grade & sophomore year of high school extending all throughout senior year. I was bullied for my soft and sometimes feminine traits and eventually physically attacked. This had been the last pull of string for me because I had no one to talk to or hold space for me during this time. One early morning after having missed school so many days my desire to no longer want to live reached its limit. If my parents hadn’t found me that morning inside my room with a knife in my hand I truly think things would be much different and I would not be here writing this.

This day took away so much pain and brought forth relieve and hope for a new and better world.

After this I began to liberate myself slowly once again and I began to explore worlds I had once only dreamt of.

Towards the end of my senior year in high school I was introduced to the electronic dance festival and music scene where it paralleled the freedom and joy I had become. This showed me a glimpse of what I wanted my future to look like; colorful, vibrant and full of love - little did I know that behind this was a very ominous reality as well.

Four years ago,

I had a near death experience that turned the entire world I knew upside down and I lost all meaning I had once known. I used to be a very innocent person and sometimes a little too naive for my own wellness. After beginning to attend music festivals filled with electronic music in my senior year of high school I had given this scene so much of my life that it began to inspire me and sound soon became my motivation.

Since a child I had always been in and out of the hospital because of chronic convulsions and epilepsy. I remember my doctor clearly telling me one day “never do any hard drugs because your brain chemistry is so sensitive and it could alter it in ways we don’t know”

I made a pact with myself to never do any hard drugs while I attended any shows and for up to 2 years raving I had never done any “hard” drugs once. It was the annual state summer music festival and I allowed myself to get drunk and smoke a bit of hemp but I believe this is where I began to let my guard down. That night I kept drinking and drinking until somewhere along the line I began to feel a sensation I had never felt before - i felt a myriad of emotions from scary to a maxed out level of happiness which brought me to a state of euphoria I had never once felt before. This however scared me to the depth because I knew this sensation wasn’t from hemp nor alcohol and I panicked trying to figure out why I felt this way. That night I was completely unable to fall asleep because my heart began to feel as if it were about to rip my chest open from beating so unimaginably intense. My lungs suddenly felt constricted and the hot humid air did not allow for further comfort - I son began to feel as if my lungs would no longer allow any more air in to circulate my body. I gave into the fear and sensation of my body slowly shutting down. I again had no one around when my entire world was collapsing - my entire system blacked out from so much anxiety and propulsion of energy moving uncontrollably in my vessel. I was so impacted by this experience that my body began to replicate this same experience and intensity every single day after this occurence, complete fight or flight then complete shut down. Days later I found out it had been the drug molly which was really predominantly meth. Having given so much of my time and power to keep my word and stay away from drugs this made me sick to my stomach. I had never cried so hard and felt so ugly within my own skin. I had never hurt my body this much before. Had I let this happen? Was it my fault? How stupid was I to let my guard down this much?

My life was never again the same.

Any slight change to my body’s chemistry such as drinking coffee or running would bring my body into the same exact experience. I was not only physically paralyzed but soon it began taking the same effect mentally and I began to lose coherence at the most inconvenient times.

I would go to the emergency room at least once a week for the first month only for them to tell me I was ‘ok’.

I never truly got very far with the western approach to medicine and it was this response exactly that led me to go within and seek aid in places I had never experienced before.

I began learning holistic medicine and approaches to healing that were so intrinsically connected to nature without the use of synthetic substances and using the most accessible tool we have already - the human body itself.

A journey of self healing began which taught me so much from Kundalini Yoga, to sound healing and Traditional Chinese Medicine.

I had tapped into a world I never would have imagined yet was so connected to me from the begining.

This journey back to self allowed me to realize how separated the human self is from the totality of oneself, from nature.

It gave me the opportunity to bring forth regeneration into a world I once allowed so much chaos and turbulence to enter.

I experienced sabotage, decay and death since very early on in my childhood all throughout these last 20 years of my life.

I believe there is a way back home because I got to experience it myself hands on.

It all will look different to each and one of us and thats why it is important to let go off of judgment - we all survive in our unique ways just like the way we need to live.

I now can say that I am unfortunately yet very fortunately glad that I got to experience all that I did because if I can make it back home, we all can.

Throughout my healing journey I was in a time and place in my state of mind that was so willing to fight for anything and everything I wanted which led me to land a modeling job for my first ever New York Fashion Week runway. I also began to experiment with making clothing and curating art shows in Seattle Washington. I was so willing to fight for all that I wanted because I knew life was not necesarily promised. I knew I needed to fulfill all my dreams and desires before it was too late that I set out to establish in New York city itself a year after my first show. Here I began studying Fashion, Psychology, Music Production and engulfed myself in all the things that called out to me such as architecture, biology, neuroscience and esoteric practices.

The reason why I feel I deserve this award is because I know that it is time to merge the ancient with the modern and build a world based on balance and love.

Studying some of my favorite scientists I was able to discover new technologies that I want to be able to use and help bring to its maximum capabilities such as leather out of mycelium and sea kelp fabric for making clothes and accessories which are not only biodegradable but also regenerating for our environments. Right now mushroom are beginning to be used for cleaning up oil spills as they act like a sponge.

I want to study the bone structures of animals to merge this knowledge with architecture both modern and ancient.

I want to study sound so I may continue to expand on the possibility of using sound as a healing mechanism in ways that we are still not able to do so right now.

I want to go to school this year to a fashion school in Miami Florida so I can learn about design and constructing garments from start to finish and I can merge this knowledge with living organism waste and shedded skin or how to make garment directly grown from bacteria.

I’ve been denied access to all the potential I know I posses and have had since I was young by circumstances unknown to me. It is my time to shine.

I also recently came to full acceptance that I am not only just attracted to men but like a larvae turns into a butterflyI am also ready to create a new body for myself.

I want to experience my femininity in its full freedom and am seeking to transition from one side of gender expression to somewhere closer down the line to a more feminine presenting expression. I not only deserve but need to feel whole and complete, we all do. I deserve to feel beautiful in my own skin. I deserve to feel free.

We all do.

Freedom is me being on stage singing my own songs, wearing my own clothes on my own stage with my own body designed by me.

Freedom was me being able to finish this in one day and rushing it even if it’s not the most cleaned up version. Freedom is me claiming my love for myself.

Think its impossible?

Watch me.

with love,

ZERO [0.9i]