The Dehumanizing Stages of Homelessness in California: A Piece of My Story

Hello there!

Welcome to Homelessness in California 101!

I know some of you are thinking, “why the hell would i attend this class?!”...you have never experienced being homeless, great for you! Some are thinking, “Hell, I got a degree on that subject!”... you survived being homeless, ALSO great for you! Either way, I’ll be your professor today, so have a seat!

Now, have you ever wondered why there are so many homeless people in Los Angeles, California? Have you ever secretly laughed (with your lil friends) at homeless people living in a tent thinking it could never be you? Have you ever thought of yourself as better than a homeless person? Maybe because you subconsciously believe you’re smarter, not on drugs or simply more deserving? It's OK (it's really not tho lol), because I was the same way before I ended up homeless for 5 years (2017-2021) in Los Angeles.

Enjoy this tip of the iceberg, kids. In this piece, I want to give you a glimpse of homelessness by sharing my story.

There are a lot of systematic reasons why people become and remain homeless, Covid-19 sure as hell made it even worse. 90% of reasons have nothing to do with drugs i.e domestic abuse, financial instability, being a broke upcoming artist like me etc. As rampant as homelessness is in California, it means any and everybody is eligible to be homeless. It is very important we understand ; That privilege does not always prevent homelessness, there are a plethora of reasons to become homeless, but once you are; Homelessness breaks a person's sense of self down in tragic, dehumanizing and life changing ways.

Stage one: the beginning of the end

When I first became homeless back in 2017, I was still living on the couch at my aunt's house (homeless but inside). In 2018, I was kicked out of the house a couple times and I was sick and tired of it. SO, I took a Greyhound bus to Los Angeles (for 4 days!), a city I knew no one and had never visited, I immediately became stranded with no money and nowhere to stay. The first feelings I had were, “Oh shit! This is really happening, I have nowhere to go, no food to eat and no one to call for help, what am I going to do?” When I tell you I had my fair share of panic attacks within the first week of being homeless, I mean I swear I was gonna die and no one will find me or care. It's the moment you realize that everything you have/take for granted, i.e a place to sleep, eat, shit, and safely keep your property, you don’t have those luxuries anymore and there is no way you will ever be prepared for all that comes with homelessness.

Stage two: Return of Captain Caveman

In 2018, with no one to call, no food to eat and nowhere to go, the best plan I had at the time was to get a job as soon as possible. No matter what the job may be, cleaning, babysitting, dog sitting, even posing nude for a class…hell i was broooooookkkkkkkeeeeee!!!! This was the stage where I felt like a caveman just to get my basic human needs met. I remember sleeping behind trees in koreatown public parks, behind a chase bank on a rainy night, staying up 24 hours straight because Denny's didn't allow people to sleep in the restaurant (still got kicked out anyway). I begged, hustled and danced like a monkey many times just so I could eat. With no resources or help, you switch back into survival mode.

Stage 3: Shame Shame and some more Shame

When you are at this stage, you are at the lowest that you never even imagined you could be, that's how i felt. Like everybody else, when you are going through a very bad time, you never want anyone to know or find out because you will feel very embarrassed. It's like taking a bunch of pictures, you never want people to see the worst ones. Even though I was living in a shelter well into 2018, I refused to tell even my best friends of my homelessness. This is because, well…I’m the strong one. I’m the one who always had a plan and handles anything thrown at her. I’m usually the one with everything together and no one has to worry about it. I had a “rep” to protect. How could that same girl, be the same one living on skid row, wearing donated clothes and a negative bank account? I remember sitting on the curb hopeless, and hearing people laugh at me for looking homeless. Being chased away from public properties because my red cart filled with clothes made me look like a bum, Society’s reaction to homeless people also adds to the shame that already comes with homelessness. I know people who have committed suicide because of this shame. It's not funny at all, this is a very dangerous stage. It made me want to suffer in silence rather than call my best friends for money to eat.

Stage 4: Cut from a lesser Cloth

At this stage, you lose your sense of self and honestly your whole identity as a person. You’ve been broken down to bits, made to live purely on survival instincts and an immense sense of shame. Constantly being looked down on by “fellow humans” will make you feel like an outsider. The life and privileges that you once had in the past seem so far away. The person you used to be does not exist anymore. The places you once belonged to, feel so unfamiliar and the things you loved to do seem so foreign. People often think that rock bottom is just one level. Trust me when I tell you, when you are homeless, it feels like you hit all 99 levels of rock bottom. After going through all the levels of rock bottom, i started to believe that i couldn’t go to public places (mall, bars, movies etc) because i had been rejected so many times in other places. The same me who had her 14th birthday on a private yacht in Dubai, felt ashamed to enter what I considered classy places. I didn’t realize I had developed impostor syndrome until after I got out of homelessness, in 2021.

Stage 5: Chaos is the new Normal

This is the stage where you lowkey forget everything you used to be and become used to living on caveman instincts. It becomes very normal to count your pennies just to make a dollar. Trust and believe, when you only have $4 dollars and hot food costs $5, every single coin will count when hungry.at this point, i could see how homelessness is taking lives, figuratively and literally. I was trying my hardest to stay sane and fight for my life everyday, despite the fact that my mental health had greatly declined. My anxiety had quadrupled from sleeping on the streets at night, as a single woman (it's so scary bro!). I literally was robbed and had no property from my past, so anything I got from donations was highly protected. Constantly looking for work with no transport, doing side cleaning jobs forced me to take more pills for physical pain. I took a lot of unprescribed pills (Naproxen, Xanax etc) depression/anxiety pills. After being in chaos for so long, to numb the pain, it led me to adapt in unhealthy and self destructive ways. This is a learned poor standard of living that becomes normal. It pulls you further and further away from who you used to be, with no true sense of who you are within the loud chaos. One thing I learned for sure is, when chaos starts to feel normal, remind yourself that you are worthy of better.

Final note:

Please never judge Homeless people based on their condition. You never know what pain homeless people are going through. If I had believed all of the shame and chaos, I wouldn't have my studio apartment today. If I had given up on myself the way society gave up on homeless people, I would not be living my best life now. even the best and most privileged among us can fall, no exceptions. Rock bottom is for any and everybody, Period! Remember to humble yourself and be extremely grateful for what you have, because you too can lose it all. You would expect understanding from others right? Right. You never know how they go through and what battles homeless people fight daily. It's easy to look down on people living in a tent. But don’t forget, unless your name is Jeff Besos or Bill gates, even millionaires (Singers, models, actors, moguls, sports stars etc.) end up on skid row. One of my favorite quotes i live by is an African proverb that goes,

“Until the lion learns how to write, the story will always glorify the hunter.”

And thats on period!