The Currency of Devotion

Often, we're not loving someone.

We're "attaching" to the feelings that person gives us.

⸻ Let's start with something easily misunderstood: attachment.

Attachment, in essence, is built on insecurity.

Attachment is the survival pattern that allows us to live from childhood.

If we weren't firmly accepted, seen, and cared for as children, we easily place our sense of security in relationships as adults, hoping others will respond to us and give us a place.

This is what family constellations refer to as belonging and loyalty.

Attachment is more like: "We need the other person to make us feel safe."

⸻ I've had an experience myself.

Once, I had a major conflict with a friend.

In that process, I understood one thing:

What he cared about wasn't me as a person.

What he cared about was:

Whether I could understand him, cooperate with him, and go along with him,

so that he could maintain a certain feeling in the relationship.

When I stopped responding in his way,

when I had my own stance,

that relationship started to break down.

At that moment, I knew very well: If I stayed in this relationship, I would have to constantly cater to him.

So I withdrew quickly.

Not because I didn't care,

but because I knew: What he needed in this relationship wasn't me as a person,

but a certain feeling.

⸻ Often, we think we care a lot about someone.

But if I'm honest,

I later realized: What I cared about wasn't always the person themselves.

What I cared about was:

• My position in the relationship

• Whether I was valued

• Whether I was cared about

• Whether the other person continued to give me that familiar feeling.

So when the other person didn't respond as I expected,

I felt uncomfortable.

Not because I lost the person,

but because that "feeling" was gone.

⸻ Often, the reason I'm so good to someone, so devoted, isn't necessarily just because I love them so much.

I'm actually exchanging a feeling, exchanging a position.

I hope that through my devotion,

I can gain their attention, their response, and their care.

So when these things don't come back,

a thought will cross your mind:

"I've tried so hard, why haven't I gotten what I want?"

⸻ Then you'll slowly see:

This isn't just love.

I also want something.

⸻ Love isn't devoid of emotions.

I'll still feel uncomfortable,

I'll still feel disappointed,

I'll even still get angry.

The difference is whether I use these feelings to demand that the other person change.

⸻ So ultimately, it comes down to one thing: boundaries.

Regardless of whether a relationship is based on love, needs, dependence, or some kind of exchange,

boundaries need to exist.

Because in a relationship, there are two different people.

I have my feelings, and you have your state of mind.

⸻ The core of boundaries is "respect." I respect who you are,

and I respect who I am.

⸻ Therefore, I don't need to use:

• love or sacrifice

• morality or superiority

• right and wrong, or correctness

• or "I'm doing this for your own good"

to demand that you change. Because often, that's just control.

⸻ The boundary is simple:

I can disagree.

I can feel uncomfortable.

I can have emotions.

But I don't use these to control the other person.

⸻ But this process won't be comfortable.

I'll feel empty and insecure.

Because my original sense of security was placed on the other person.

⸻ So boundaries are actually a kind of acceptance.

Accepting the feeling of not being reciprocated.

Accepting the uncertainty in the relationship.

Accepting that the other person is free, and so am I.

We'll experience some mild anxiety in this process,

but it won't destroy us. Boundaries also determine how close a relationship can go.

Not every relationship needs to become intimate, and not everyone needs to be your partner.

⸻ Then slowly put your sense of security back on yourself.

This requires practice.

And it needs to be practiced regularly, not just when something goes wrong.

Thank you for reading!