The Clay Effect

I dedicate this story to all sons and daughters of single parent mothers, sons and daughters of addiction.

Living to the age of 57 and not losing anyone you would consider your best friend and have known since the age of 13 is uncommon.

Recent theorists have recognized the importance of middle childhood, ages 6 - 12 for the development of cognitive skills, personality, motivation and interpersonal relationships. During middle childhood children learn the values of societies thus middle childhood could be called integration, both in terms of development within the individual and of the individual within a social context. Middle childhood is also when children develop competence in interpersonal and social relationships. The social skills learned through peer and family relationships, and childrens’ ability to participate in meaningful interpersonal communication provide a necessary foundation for the challenges of adolescence. Best friends are important at this age and the skills gained in these relationships may provide the building blocks for healthy adult relationships.

My twin and I amazingly were able to survive the foster care system and not get separated in the first 6 years of our life. We were fortunate to get adopted on our 6th birthday which many have called a miracle. My first recollection of foster care is an adult attempting to walk my twin out of the basement. Fortunately, we were able to locate each other and in that moment I cried as loud and as convincingly as possible. The adult removed their hand from my brother’s wrist and my best friend remained. Two years later my twin and best friend would get adopted together into an amazing black family who had already raised three overachievers graduating with honors and headed to a liberal arts school. The story of our adoption and how it came about to this day is one of the most pure love stories I have ever been told. My twin and I looked alot alike when we were in elementary even though we were fraternal twins. In the second grade my twin was held back. We would switch classes for fun and I was able to keep pace but my twin was not. For the next five years I would find myself without a best friend.

The town I grew up in all of the elementary schools came together in middle school 7th and 8th grade. Right before I headed out to get on the bus for my first day of middle school, my dad pulled me aside. He said, Tommy, if you want to be a football player you hangout with the football players. If you want to be the smartest kid in school you hangout with the smart kids, ok dad. My dad had rescued my twin and I from what was a living hell. He was my hero and I wasn’t going to let him down. I viewed this as my opportunity to find a friend. As soon as I find a seat on the bus I'm looking at the schedule to figure out my opportunity to find a friend. This opportunity would come second period at gym class. As most schools do, we were told to get into our gym clothes and line up. Once we had been rearranged by our Phys Ed teacher I had my moment. I bent over and looked down the line and to my amazement looking back at me was Clay. He and I would become best friends from that day forward. We were even called ebony and ivory through high school and were inseparable. Finally, I had a best friend again. No one was allowed to get up from the dinner table at dinner time except me when my new best friend called. By the time I made it to high school, I was too white for the Black's and too black for the whites but was VP of my class for 4 years. The beginning of what I called the Clay effect had begun.

The experience of being class vice president would prove incredibly useful when chairing a fundraiser for Big Brothers & Big Sisters Junior Board in Chicago. The success of this event allowed me to build a friendship with my second business partner in Chicago. I was a founding partner in a lead generation firm in Chicago. The lead generation firm gave me the opportunity to develop a skill I still utilize today. I’m able to do what most people do in face to face meetings over the phone. The 3 rules for becoming number one in sales I also tested and validated while in this role. Receiving a referral from my former business partner is what allowed me to become Director of Channel Sales for a software company. A role I had for 13 years. The success in this role is why I currently work for a Cyber Security company today. One of my former clients discovered I was no longer with the software company and offered me a job. He would say to his founding partner, as a company we are a year early, but this is our guy. He can build a channel for us. All the while I maintained an incredible friendship with the man responsible for helping me learn how to build relationships, Clay.

For over 25 years I have been a director level executive in corporate America. I have 9 months of college at a modeling school that went co-ed the first year we attended. It was the only school in the country where I could study business administration information systems computer programming and my twin could study fashion merchandising. I have had the great fortune of working remotely my entire career in corporate america and with some very intelligent people. This is due in large part to my effectiveness communicating over the phone. I have always been in the top 3 in sales in my career. Most who hear me speak believe I grew up with a silver spoon and attended an ivy league school. My clients think I'm a 50 year old white man and have thought this for 30 years. All are surprised when they meet me because I am African American. I learned the humanities in a 9 month period from a 7th generation librarian. They are even more shocked to learn I spent the first 6 years of my life in basements being shuffled with my twin from one foster home to another so foster parents could get a check and buy fur coats and cars.

When asked what made you who you are today I can point to three blessings. My twin and I not getting separated and getting adopted together, getting adopted and raised by remarkably talented parents who knew how to raise the overachiever and my oldest dearest friend of 44 years, Clay.

My best friend Clay recently passed away. Leaving me with the unenviable task of writing a sympathy letter to his youngest, my godson. Having never been in this situation before and feeling for the first time in my life true loss you can imagine the apprehension and anxiety which ensued. However, I had lost my mother many years earlier. After coming to terms with her losing the only person I ever wanted as a friend but was never able to build that relationship I figured something out. If I thought hard on the conversations missed and kept in mind what I wanted to ask before sleeping she appeared. When my best friend was diagnosed with brain cancer I knew he would always be with me because of the experience with my mother. I had even seen a basketball game on T.V. where the color analyst was talking about the Notre Dame all american who had just lost his mom. The all-american couldn’t wait to go home and sleep after the game so he could see his mom. This only re-confirmed what I knew to be true. Death is passing away. We live in a universe with galaxies and our reality is one of many planes. When someone dear to us passes away we are to earn their pride. It allows them to watch over us and it makes their passing easier if we remember the times they made us or we made them laugh.

In the next 6 months I will launch a foundation focused on women and children, a publishing and media company focused on helping children live a purpose driven life, a consulting firm which brings the largest companies in the world to technology companies who sell into the Fortune 500 and have a niche, and publish my first book. There is no question Clay continues to watch over his old friend.

My first sympathy note to my godson is below. It is a note I dedicate to all children who have lost someone dear and can’t make sense of it. I hope it will ease your burden and allow all to feel what is in my heart now, the happiness of an eternal friendship.

August 5, 2022

Hello Little Man,

I apologize for not sending this not to you sooner. Please forgive me for taking so long. I'm so sorry your Dad passed away.

Little Man, your Dad was my dearest friend for 44 years. My twin and I were separated in the 2nd grade. Your Dad and I met in the 7th grade. He was my first friend when I had none. Your Dad and I did everything together from 7th grade on. It was like having another twin. All the success I have had in my life and am having is because of your Dad. I laughed more with him than anyone.

I hope you know he helped many people and always put others before himself. He knew how to make people laugh and had a remarkable ability to stay in touch with his friends and help them in time of need.

It is important you understand we have to do things to make him proud now. He is watching over us. When we make him proud of us, it makes our feeling sad go away a little faster each time we do. He loved helping others and now can do it like he used to, knowing we are doing the same.

Your Dad is incredibly proud of you, Little Man. I'm sorry you can't play with him like you used to but if you remember the fun times when he made you laugh it helps keep him in your heart.

I love you very much Little man.

Your Dad’s best friend and yours,

Mr. Thomas

Thomas David