The Best Date I Never Had

The mysterious package arrived at our quaint little bistro, owned by my brother and myself. We were in our early twenties when we started it, everyone whispered, we were young and would most likely fail. That was six years ago, it is now one of the hottest restaurants in Portland.

We opened the parcel fifteen minutes ago and still had not said a word to each other, we just stood there, in silence, staring at it. Finally, through a fog I heard my brother's question.

“What the Hell did you do?”

That was a fair question. What did I do?

Simple answer, a Lady in black.

Stay with me, I will get to that part soon.

For a proper answer, I must take you back to where it all began.

Eight months ago, my brother, John, and I were invited to attend a Charity Art Auction. Did I mention there was an open bar? After one-to-many beverages, we got caught up in the hype and excitement. We began to bid on a truly misfortunate piece, to this day I still don’t know what it is. A bidding war ensued, numbers were flying from the auctioneer's mouth, bidding paddles waving furiously. At one point I think John and I were competing against each other.

In short, we won the painting and became the talk of the town, as the eccentric brothers who paid way too much for a piece of art. Or were we geniuses? Because one month later the artist died, and his last piece of work, our painting, became a priceless item.

Later, we were invited to partake in a prestigious charity event held at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle. In all honesty neither of us wanted to go, we flipped a coin, I lost. It wouldn’t be all bad, rumor had it that Bill and Melinda Gates might make an appearance. Plus, an open wine bar.

So, there I was, standing alone in a rented tuxedo, on my 3rd glass of wine, surveying a room full of people I didn't know. Although I must admit, I look good in a tux.

Where was Bill and Melinda?

Then I saw her, my dream vision come to life, she was talking to a few older men, laughing, playfully touching their arms. She had them captivated. I grabbed a glass of wine from a waitress's tray as she passed by and proceeded to casually approach this beauty. Suddenly, a noise of smashing glass echoed throughout the large room, the tinny sound of a tray ringing off the marble floor. Note, never remove a drink off a waitress's tray, as it may cause an accident.

The room became still and quiet as everyone looked at the poor girl. I approached to help her clean the mess, after all I did feel partly responsible. The look she gave me clearly said, back away.

Turning around, she was there in front of me. My God she was beautiful, exotic almond shaped eyes, dark wavy hair cascading softly over her shoulders, skin like golden honey poured into a black dress, accentuating her beauty.

Moving her focus from the poor girl on the floor to me, she smiled and said in a sultry voice that sent shivers through me.

“Smooth move, what do you do for an encore?”

“Yeah, not my finest moment” I mumbled.

I know a ‘Meet Cute’ when I see it and this had to be one, right? I thrust the glass out towards her and spoke. “I brought you a wine.” smiled and gave her my best innocent boyish look.

Desperately needing to regain my composure and some dignity. I thought to impress her with my knowledge of wine, after all, I had taken three on-line Sommelier courses. After coffee, wine was becoming our number one selling beverage in our restaurant and frankly, I knew extraordinarily little on the subject, hence the classes.

She accepted the red and was about to take a drink when I said.

“Wine, like life, should never be rushed, explore, experience, enjoy." Oh man, that was smooth, I must remember that line.

I proceeded to explain to her how to tilt the glass, side view, swirl it gently, breath in the full aroma. Try to guess what the scents are, floral, fruity, earthy?

“See how the lines of wine run down the glass in rivulets, those are called legs.” I continued “Now take a sip, and swirl it around gently in your mouth, note the dark rich robust texture and taste, this is how you know it is a Shiraz, or Syrah if you will.”

I was on a roll. Gently she reached out, seductively placing a finger on my lips and whispered. “ Shhh, you’re embarrassing yourself. This wine is lighter, delicate and slightly fruitier, clearly it’s a Merlot.”

Embarrassed, I tipped the entire contents of the glass in my mouth, swallowed it down in one gulp. “Ahh, yes of Course.” I replied, “This is a Merlot, and I am an Idiot.”

I turned around to walk away, when she took hold of my arm, smiling up at me and asked. “So, why are you here, as someone's guest?”

“Nope, I am alone and not really sure why I'm here. I assume they want me to spend money on something I don’t want.” I stated, “And what brings you here, guest or were you invited?”

She looked around, making sure no one was in ear shot, and said with a straight face “I snuck in.”

“How?” I stammered “They have security everywhere, you can’t just sneak in.”

“And yet I did. You may have a ticket, but you don’t belong here anymore than I do.”

I couldn't argue with that. I began to introduce myself when she stopped me.

“No names tonight, Ok?”

Taking my hand, she led me to a wine bar, ordered two glasses. I sipped on mine, she raised an eyebrow questioningly, and drank it all back in one gulp.

I followed suit, saying in an over-the-top French accent “Ooh, fantastique, a playful pretentious little wine.”

She laughed, then came close and softly said “Do you want to be naughty and have some fun tonight?”

A bead of sweat trickled down me, I would rather not say where. “Uh, huh” I nodded.

Ordering two more glasses, she took me by the hand and led me to a group of people who were evidently in charge of the event. Planting herself in the middle of the group she pointed a finger at a tall gentleman. Poking him in the chest she began to speak some foreign language I didn’t understand, and clearly neither did they. Gesturing and fuming, obviously upset with something, she stopped abruptly, and motioned to me.

I stood open mouth, deer, headlights, me. Until she struck my chest with the back of her hand, staring at me.

Turning to the stunned group I ad-libbed “Princess Kara, says she cannot eat the shrimp, she was promised delicacies of her homeland. Where is the sliced pig snout roast?”

“Pig snout roast?"

“Yes man.” I continued "And Cockroach kebobs?"

Blank stares.

" lemon locust bites?" I inquired.

Looking uncomfortable, the tall man clearly trying to be civil, stuttered “I am truly sorry, but I cannot say.”

Turning to her I spoke as best I could in her made-up language, gesturing and pointing at the tall man. She lost it, again ranting on in this foreign tongue, finishing off with a stamp of her foot.

I backed away feigning fear, turned to the group and said, “Quickly you fool, go find out where the food is before she really gets upset.” Off they went, stumbling into each other, rushing to get away from this crazy lady.

We stayed in character, mingling with other groups, making other outlandish statements. leaving the people with puzzled and dazed expressions. Later, we found ourselves in a quiet little room away from the crowd.

“You were brilliant.” she laughed.

My heart was beating so hard I thought for sure I would collapse. “That was awesome.” I cried out.

“Shall we continue.” she asked.

I only had one response “Hell yeah. But first, we need to refresh our beverages.”

We ran into the poor unfortunate waitress, who’s tray had 'accidently' fallen earlier. But was now laden with beautiful, delicious red wine. I apologized for the mishap and gave her a hundred dollars as compensation. With a caveat that the two of us were never to be without a wine tonight. Handing us the tray, she promised we would not go dry.

“What next?” I asked.

With a devilish smile and an innocent twinkle in her eye she replied, “let’s run around to the various auctions and push the prices up.”

And away we went, raising our paddles and upping the last bid by a hundred dollars, then running off. The crowds began to recognize who I was, apparently my reputation had proceeded me, I was that eccentric guy. They assumed I knew something, which I did not.

Bidding was out of control, people bunched around us like grapes on a vine. Sometimes we would raise our paddles, other times we scoffed. There we were, swilling wine and bidding on shit we didn’t want.

Did we have fun, yes. Did we go too far, possibly? Especially when she convinced me to swap outfits with her. Should we have kept our own clothes on? Absolutely. But damn if she didn’t look stunning in my tux, and frankly I rocked that black Louis Vuitton dress.

It was glorious.

It was stupid.

It was one hell of a night.

It was also the moment I bumped into Bill and Melinda. He nodded, shrugged his shoulders as if to say, ' I've seen worse'. Melinda smiled and said, "Beautiful dress, it accentuates your shoulders."

Man, they are classy people.

It was also only a matter of time before one of the event coordinators caught on, I think it was the tall man. Anyways, security guards politely escorted us to a back room. They were kind enough to let us change back into our own outfits, I made sure everyone turned around while she got dressed. They were also kind enough to hold the exit door open for us.

There we were, alone in the alley at night, just us, the garbage cans and a few scurrying rats. The back door creaked opened. There, silhouetted in the doorway was our server with a bottle of Black Rook, Merlot from the Okanogan and two glasses. I retrieved this nectar of the Gods, thanked our waitress, and gave her another hundred dollars. She gently closed the door, and we were finally alone.

Finding two empty milk crates to sit on, we drank in silence. I was captivated by this woman.

“Thank you for making them turn around. You didn’t peak when I was changing, did you?”

I shook my head.

“You really are a gentleman.” she said.

Smiling, I looked at her and said, “Have I also mentioned, I’m an Idiot?”

She laughed; I loved that sound of her laugh; true, pure, honest.

Setting her glass down, she stood up, I joined her. Placing both her hands on my chest, staring into my eyes she stood on her tip toes. Leaned up and gave me the best most memorable kiss I ever had... on my forehead.

She then turned and walked out of my life.

Next day, the news was all about the charity, raising the most money in the events history.

Which brings us back to now. Staring at an abstract painting, I had apparently purchased.

“Seriously, what is it?” asked John.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Apparently, he paints the bottoms of animals and gets them to sit on the canvas.” I replied "I also met Bill and Melin..."

“Oh, shut up” John yelled. "I don’t know what happened that night, but I hope it was worth it.”

I smiled “Bro, it was the best date I Never had.”

On a side note: A year later the artist was involved in a fatal accident, involving an elephant. The value of our painting soared.