The Battle

I watch as the flames flicker against the newly installed wall. The water, raining down on me. My back is warming to the same temperature. My wet hair soaking my face. This was a normal shower for me. Though I struggle to actually shower I would at least sit and let the water pour over me and let my mind wonder but today was the first time in the shower having to sit awkwardly avoiding the area on my thigh in nearly two years.

No! re-read that. Not the first shower in nearly 2 years. no.

I was sober from sharp objects for nearly two years.

As I flow into the void of my thoughts I am interrupted by an iron taste. I have a retainer which makes the taste from time to time but as I spit I see the crimson color flow to the drain. Have I stressed myself this much? As I am distracted from my teeth the water flows over my thigh and I wince in pain. The day old sting, still hurting.

I sit a while longer before getting out. Was it the right choice? Should I text him? Am I overbearing? Is he avoiding me? Am I too damaged?

This is it. The struggle, the questions that haunt me. The battle.

I finally relax in bed and turn to my wall mount. My phone lights up immediately. Iconic timing. As I ready to call, my stomach turns already. Wondering what we will face tonight. The button is pressed and we start our routine. The night goes smoothly and peacefully as always. His voice calms me to sleep.

Though things are near perfect my heart tings from time to time. The distance. It hurts. One of the hardest relationships there is and I have struggled through it. On and off on and off on and off. Makes my head spin. But with someone like him, he's worth every thought and careful decision.

I've had the physical relationship, and to have someone so alluring as him it's hard to go. But I can't hide my feelings from him, he knows better. As my head often screams at me for every decision I have made, I can’t help but to pick up my phone for a smile, a laugh, or hell even a cry. He's my clarity, my safe haven. He makes my head shut up.

Though I can never truly quiet my head, everyday is a struggle. I work and go to college. Not only that I can't see some of my friends thanks to a lousy pandemic. I have lost too many over these years and I can’t be alone.

Not with my thoughts, not with my sanity. The night goes on as I sleep.

The months go by and I try to open up. I try to talk to him but he doesn't listen. He thinks the worse case senario. If I stop opening up even to save the sake of an argument and trouble between us, he notices, and it becomes worse.

We are toxic.

Although I know this, and despite my better judgement I run back to him. And every time is the same. the same arguments, the same insecurities, the same concerns. nothing ever changes.

When someone came into my life I really stared to see things more clearly. Like my path finally shifted. T brought me to my senses. I realized what I was doing and what needed to happen. Me and my boyfriend were toxic and it needed to be over.

By the time I was able to finally start to pull away from him, me and T were growing closer and closer. Eventually I realized it was him, T, he was my magnet. He was pulling me towards himself. though he was unaware of our strong connection, he didn't mind.

Like an addict I relapsed and went back to my boyfriend. For that short time things got better yet worse at the same time. T and I still grew closer and closer. I came to my senses again and finally spoke up to my boyfriend. One thing led to another and I was single once again.

T was there, he helped me through it. He saved me. He stopped the battle.