The Art of Ghosting

Ghosting is one of those things that almost everyone complains about, but plenty of people have done themselves. And honestly? I don't think it's always wrong.

Before you come for me, hear me out. There's a difference between letting a conversation with a stranger on a dating app die and disappearing on someone you've been dating for months. There's also a pretty important distinction between being inconsiderate and protecting your own safety.

I've experienced a few different flavors of ghosting recently, so I thought it was time to establish some ground rules. Because while I don't think anyone owes you a relationship, I do think basic human decency should be part of the package.

The Full Ghost

Let's start with the worst version, which I got to experience recently.

I'd been seeing a guy for over two months. We'd been on at least five dates. I'd been to his place, he'd been to mine. I'm not sure it was headed somewhere serious, but I thought we were both enjoying our time together.

Then I started a new job, and he had some work changes of his own, so for a short stretch (think less than two weeks) our schedules stopped lining up. I sent a message apologizing for my slower response time, explained I had a lot going on, and we moved on. Everything seemed fine.

The following weekend, he'd deleted me off Snapchat, and I had no way to contact him. No goodbye, no explanation, just gone.

Now, I may not have been as responsive as I was before. And he didn't owe me any more dates or any additional time. People lose interest, and I'm not entitled to anyone's continued affection. But what I do think I was owed was a brief "I'm actually not feeling this" message. I've sent them on several occasions, sometimes after just one or two dates. It's a quick text, and it would have been enough.

After going on several dates, letting the other person know you don't want to move forward isn't just a courtesy. It's an expectation.

The Pre-Date Ghost

If you've only exchanged a handful of messages on a dating app, I don't think either person owes the other an explanation for losing interest. That's just the nature of apps. But the circumstances change when you've been talking for an extended period, or when you've made plans to meet.

Another recent experience (yes, I've picked some real winners lately):

I had been messaging on and off with this guy for months, but our schedules had never lined up to actually go out. He'd gotten a new job, and we finally found a day that worked for both of us. We picked a date and a place. We both said we were looking forward to it.

On the day of, he opened my message, and then nothing. I followed up that afternoon to check whether we were still on. That message was never even opened. I sent one last note acknowledging that the date clearly wasn't happening. That was two weeks ago, and he still hasn't responded.

To me, this is so disrespectful. I'm a busy woman. I have a full-time job and a side gig, and I have friends I like to see regularly. Setting aside a Saturday night for a first date is kind of a big deal, and to simply stop responding the day of, without any acknowledgment? Honestly, diabolical.

Emergencies happen, and plans change. That's understandable. But even if something genuinely kept him from making the date, he had plenty of time afterward to say so. There's a big difference between deciding you aren't interested and letting someone sit there waiting on you. We'd spent months getting to know each other, and we'd made concrete plans that he never even bothered to cancel.

Once you've made plans with someone, you should communicate if those plans are no longer happening. It's really that simple.

The Mutual Ghost

Sometimes people ask me, "Have you ever ghosted someone?"

And I hesitate.

I've never done anything like the scenarios above, but I have done what I consider "The Mutual Ghost" on many occasions.

Maybe you go on a date (or several), and afterward neither of you reaches out. Or the conversation fizzles one day and nobody picks it back up. Maybe one or both of you knew you weren't going to see each other again. Maybe you were both on the fence and waiting to see if the other would make the next move. Either way, nobody did, and you both moved on without officially calling anything off.

I don't really consider this ghosting. There's no ongoing communication being ignored, and neither person is actively pursuing the other. If someone I had "mutually ghosted" hit me up a month later wanting to go out again, and I wasn't interested, I'd just tell them. It wouldn't be difficult. But I'm not going to send a "no longer interested" message out of the blue when we haven't texted in three-plus weeks. (Sorry, Cameron.)

Not every connection needs a formal ending. Sometimes things just run their course.

The Safety Ghost (TW: SA Threats)

I think the safety ghost is an important one to talk about. I've never done it, but I considered it once, and I wouldn't judge anyone who took this route.

A couple of years ago, I went on a second date with a man, and he got very pushy. I told him multiple times that I didn't want to go any further, and he made a "joke" that he could simply force me.

To him, it was funny.

To me, it was horrifying.

As an SA survivor, I felt sick to my stomach. I wish I'd reacted differently, but I went into docile mode. I chuckled uncomfortably, quietly reaffirmed my no, and I didn't kick him out of my house. When he eventually left, I messaged my friends for comfort and ultimately cried myself to sleep.

I seriously considered blocking him and being done. We'd tentatively planned a third date, but now I obviously didn't want to see him again. In the end, I did text him to say I wouldn't be seeing him anymore, and I explained why. A big part of that decision was that he knew where I lived, and I worried that if I simply blocked him without explanation, he might show up at my house looking for answers. Maybe that was a stretch, maybe not. But he had legitimately scared me.

I would have been entirely justified in ghosting him. Safety comes before someone else's desire for closure. You don't owe anyone access to you, an explanation, or another opportunity to make you uncomfortable. That goes for men and women alike, and it doesn't have to involve an explicit threat. Someone being abusive, threatening, manipulative, or otherwise making you uncomfortable is enough.

So, Where Do We Draw the Line?

Here's where I land.

I think ghosting is acceptable when:

• It's the neutral ghost. You've exchanged a few messages on a dating app, but you haven't met, made plans, or built any real connection.

• It's the mutual ghost. Neither person is reaching out, and the connection naturally fades.

• It's the safety ghost. Someone has made you feel unsafe, threatened, or uncomfortable. You can walk away without explanation.

I think ghosting is unacceptable when:

• You've been on multiple dates and established a connection.

• You've been talking for an extended period and developed an emotional connection, even if you haven't met in person.

• You've made concrete plans to meet someone, especially once there's a date, time, and location.

And here's the thing: letting someone know you're no longer interested doesn't have to be complicated. You don't need an elaborate explanation or a list of everything you disliked about them. A simple "Hey, I had a nice time meeting you, but I don't think we're quite the right match. Wishing you the best!" will do just fine.

You don't owe someone an explanation of why you aren't interested, but you can give them a heads-up that you aren't.

A little consideration goes a long way. Be kind, communicate when you can, and stay safe out there. Happy dating!