The Age of Love

Growing up I've heard the words, “stay away from boys. You’re too young to understand what love is,” quite frequently. I believed in those words and listened to them as much as I could. I was not confident in myself and so I never thought any guy would ever walk into my life and choose me. I hate how much I was wrong.

I was thirteen when the butterflies and nervousness entered into my chest and stomach for the very first time. I could only think of that one person. I only wanted to talk to them, hear their voice, spend time with them. I was a hopeless romantic. Over the months of knowing this person, I had become used to them as they became a part of my everyday routine. I depended on them and knew that if they left then I wouldn't be able to function. I had been tortured for months. Their words reeled me in and their actions pushed me away. It was an endless cycle. I didn’t know how to escape. I was trapped. I felt guilty for ever wanting to leave, so I stayed. I cared for that person, letting them walk all over me and abuse me with words that still, to this day, repeat over and over in my head.

A year later I was finally able to get away from the “love” I felt and had for that first person. However, I developed this pain and heartache in my chest when it came to my exe. I became sick to my stomach every time I saw them or was near them. I was angry with them for hurting me when all I ever did was love and care for them. I never would have betrayed them in the numerous ways they hurt me. I tried my hardest to avoid them. It was difficult, and painful. I wanted to get away. No, I needed to. Unfortunately, I couldn’t.

For several years I let this one thing take over me. It consumed me. I cried and cried and cried. All because of the strong feelings I accustomed towards this one human. I never wanted that pain to attach itself to me. I am twenty now. Of course I've been in other relationships over the years, but no other person made me feel the way my first love had. For years I have dealt with emotional and mental trauma from one past mistake I made years ago. I gave my heart to someone who never deserved it. However, because I was young and foolish, I let my guard down and as a result, paid the consequences. The main point I'm hoping to make is that I fell, hard. So hard that it has taken me years to pick myself up and walk on my feet again.

I have been told numerous times that I have never loved anyone before, that I couldn't possibly understand what real love is. That isn’t true. I’ve loved two human beings on this earth. One a lesson and one a blessing. One destroyed every part of me that there was to destroy. The other held my hand and mended me back together. I’ve been told that you have to share intimacy with another soul in order to truly understand how powerful love and feelings for one another can be. No. That is highly inaccurate.

I’ve learned from my past that no one has any right to tell anyone else when they have or haven’t experienced real love. I have. It was an in-explainable kind of love. It was something new. Something I never wanted to let go of because I truly believed that if I fought hard enough, it would last a lifetime. I thought I was going to have one of those "high school sweetheart" relationships. That never happened to me. I did love and I did learn and I have cried and I have grown.

Young people, old people, they all feel love. I fell in love at thirteen. My first true feelings for another person were expressed when I was in middle school, an eighth-grader. They say the first heartbreak is the worst. It’s so sad how true it is. You feel all those emotions flood into your heart at once and it shatters your entire being. All parts of it. I understand what love is and what love isn't. My confidence skyrocketed when someone finally told me they wanted me for just being me. It shot back down when they no longer needed me. Love isn’t something that can be determined by age. It’s by maturity. It’s by your heart. Each heart is different. You can’t control when someone falls in love or who you fall in love with.

Through my years as a love-struck teenager/young adult, I’ve learned one very important thing. When someone says, “you’re too young to know what love is,” it usually means that they know you will fall for someone and you will take in all of the pain. Maybe they say it because they know how pain from love and heartbreak feels and don't want you to experience that same hurt as well. If it’s at a very young age, you’ll forever be damaged. I know that because I am. My heart has been permanently damaged for seven years. I was young. However, I still loved that person, and years later, I still feel that same pain they caused me. If this makes any sense, I've moved on from that person but their damage still lingers in my heart and soul. I'm scarred from hearing the words "go, find someone who will love you" because no one ever has, at least not in the way I want to be or feel that I should be loved. I struggle with opening up to others and letting them into my heart, my life. Love and trust aren't easy; no, they're so difficult to work with after heartbreak.

Regardless of every tear, every heartache, every sad day I've had, love is not at all determined by age.