The Affair

It started for the same reason as most. I was lonely and a little lost. Seeking connection, comfort, purpose… I never intended it to go this far.

It was nothing more than a flirtation at first. Harmless, really. Just enough to fill the cup. A light touch, a longing glance… Not something that keeps you up at night. Certainly not something you think about all the time. Something you begin to crave… bordering on obsession.

Though if it was… Was it as bad as all that? Was it as forbidden and unattainable as I once thought?

After all, why shouldn’t we allow ourselves to give in to something that makes us feel? That breathes new life into us and give us a reason to look forward to the new day? Everyone has secrets. I shouldn’t have to tell mine. It’s about time I had something just for me. Something to break up the monotony of living the same day over and over again.

Maybe it will never be something I can uproot my life for. Maybe I’ll have to learn to be satisfied with the slow burn in the background of my real life. The life where I am wife, mother, daughter, sister, professional…

The life I’ve never quite felt I fit.

The guilt is something I will learn to carry. It isn’t right to live out the fantasy. That’s why it’s called a fantasy, right? Something that you talk about, dream about, wish for but know in your heart of hearts could never truly be. You are raised to fit the mould, tick the box, honour commitments, and be responsible.

You could never do something so reckless. So uncertain.

Imagine if they knew where my heart truly lay. It’s not that I don’t love my life. I have just always had this burn for more. It felt greedy and selfish to take it. But I’m done with that. If the pursuit of one’s essential nature is greedy and selfish, then paint me with that brush. I’ll wear the smear on my reputation with pride when push comes to shove.

But for now, I’d like to keep my little secret just a while longer. Maintain the thrill of sneaking away for my moments of bliss—a little slice of heaven to break up the weight of the day. The passion that spurs from knowing the time I have is finite and precious.

When I escape to my love, I feel limitless. Adventure is at my fingertips. I can go anywhere, be anything. There is no box to try and twist and bend myself into. No glass ceiling preventing me from reaching the sky. No fixed role. No expectations. I’m the most authentic and simplistic version of myself. Every fibre of my being is connected to my essential nature. I can wear every hat or none. I can stay put, or I can wander.

The confines of my mind that once felt like a prison now feels like a vast open field, adorned with paths unexplored and outcomes uncertain. But there is no fear, no anxiety… Just an anticipatory thrill of what awaits. An eternal pursuit of the next fix.

It’s love; there’s no denying that now. I’ve gone far past the point of flirtation. I’m committed, and retreat is not an option. I’ll take it in any form I can get it.

So, as I sit tucked away in the corner, tapping away and letting the words flow from mind to page. I accept that I’m entangled in this little affair. The forbidden fruit that filled the void. A slave to the satisfaction that only comes from doing what one is truly passionate about.

One day, they’ll learn my secret.

No longer plain, boring, responsible, professional… All the things that fit the mould.

My reckless affair will be laid bare for all to see. My forbidden love exposed to the world. And I will have no choice but to admit…

I am creative; I am an artist; I am a poet; I am a lyricist, I am a musician, and I am free.

All because of an unexpected love affair. All because…I Am a Writer.