The 5 Types of Guys You Date in the Lower East Side

Moving back to New York City after college as a newly single woman in her 20’s has led me through many misadventures in dating. I’ve found myself mostly dating guys who live in the Lower East Side. Most are men with jobs (Go ahead and check that box, amirite?), around my age, and somehow all have a matching lack of commitment. Can someone say “ You are who you attract?”

Some of the guys I’ve met just weren’t my type, others I wasn’t theirs, but mostly, all of them were not the ones I ended up with. And I dated them all, so you don’t have to. Let’s begin.

One of the many guys on Wall Street

This is the investment banker who thinks buying you dinner will get him sex. He doesn’t leave the office until 8 PM and calls it normal, but he’ll leave work early (at 6 PM) if he thinks you’ll put out for him. He’s not looking for a connection, but if you don’t end up in bed by the end of the night, he cuts his losses.

Very no-nonsense and un-creepy, but leaves you wondering what went wrong. By the way, it wasn’t you. It was him. Or maybe it was sitting at a park bench for 30 minutes in silence while he prays to himself that you changed your mind about going to his apartment 10 blocks away while the couple who’s actually meant to be together chirp like birds next to you guys the entire time.

The engineer who’s making the rounds

This is the tech guy who’s a recent transplant from California and a part-time fuckboy. He’ll promise to take you on dinners and to take your calls when you walk through shady neighborhoods on your way to the train while he takes an Uber back but doesn’t actually care if you call or not.

You think he’s looking for a serious commitment, but he’s just looking for a consistent lay.

Dates with him include a glassy-eyed look, only questions about your job that he wants to take, and random and unwelcome sexual references in public. The tech guy is the one you try to be friends with after your dates and the sex that he planned for are over.

But you quickly realize there’s no friendship here because he isn’t able to hold a human connection outside of seeing sex as a result of your interactions and relationship.

The older guy you didn’t know you were dating

This guy is older and he’s sly. Can I chalk it up to him not knowing modern dating standards of communication? Maybe, or he’s just weird and doesn’t have platonic friendships with females. You thought this guy was just trying to become your friend. He invites you to his apartment with his longtime friend for a board game night the day after you meet at an apartment party. You don’t say no, because another article said that if you try and make friends to always say Yes to the first few hangouts.

This guy makes a lot of eye contact with you and you think it's just cause you’re friends. But it’s not. He’s gauging interest while you’re completely clueless and the only reason you feel safe with him is that you completely discounted him as a potential romantic partner from the first moment you laid eyes on him. Or maybe because every moment after reinforced that this relationship was based only on friendship.

The genuinely cool guy who you hook up with

This is the unemployed guy with a big heart. This one is tough. You have shared family values and love the same cartoons. But he’s a big player, mildly racist, and has a real hygiene problem. You can joke with him, but he doesn’t see you as relationship material because you met to hook up. It’s ironic because he did the same.

The freak in the sheets

This guy is built like a Hemsworth, but has some weird sexual preferences. But he’s probably the most attractive man you have laid your eyes on. But he also sends you unsolicited nudes in a shiny, bedazzled pink thong.

You message him back that you didn’t like the nudes even when you were dating and you certainly don’t want them now. Especially with a boyfriend, but you love his newest black, lacy thong and you ask him where he bought it. He doesn’t reply. Weird sexual taste, classic breadcrumb-er, and can’t seem to stay in one place for too long.