Thaw the Frozen Pond

His heart was frozen

He was cold as ice.

He tested her loyalty,

He tested her love

By being mean to her.

His heart was frozen

He was cold as ice.

He made her feel

Any woman was

Better than her.

His heart was frozen

He was cold as ice.

She tried and tried

But couldn’t break through.

She lost herself.

His heart was frozen

He was cold as ice.

When she left,

He found another reason

To deep freeze his heart.

When she left,

Her heart was frozen too.

She was cold as ice.

It pains me to learn about how a difficult childhood affects adult romantic relationships. The only thing that pains me more? The fact that most people (including yours truly until recently) are completely unaware of how this plays out. And we keep repeating the same painful patterns over and over again. Reinforcing the sense of self as unworthy, unlovable and doomed to gloom and loneliness. Makes me wonder where, when and how this compulsive need for external validation at the cost of the self began. Because that’s where I’d like to go to correct this once and for all.

Being in a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise, is one of the greatest joys of being human. Having said that, being in unhealthy/abusive situations because you’d rather not be alone? How is this better than being alone? Why is there so much pressure to being in a relationship at all costs? Also, why is the most primal relationship given no importance? The relationship with the self.

Who sold the idea that to be taken care of, I need to be taken care of by someone else? Why is a person taking care of themselves not celebrated? Shouldn’t this be the primary responsibility for every person who is able to take care of themselves to do just that? In an empowered world like this, relationships can be beautiful. Because they’re based on compatibility and choice, not compulsive needs.

It’ll be a whole lot easier to walk away from abusive situations or even relationships where I don’t feel valued or appreciated for what I bring to the table. It’s no offense to the other person. It’s just me putting my mental health first. Plus, I will not take it personally when people choose to distance themselves, if they walk away from me, because our needs are not being met mutually.

My sense of self does not depend on how another treats me or how I’m being perceived by others. I take good care of me and respect another person’s boundaries as they take care of themselves. When a situation is mutually beneficial and has a solid foundation based on trust and reciprocity, we stay. If it becomes exploitative to either party, the boundaries are communicated. If they’re not honored, the person who no longer feels safe leaves to find their own place of safety.

When I write it down like this, it feels so easy and straightforward. Except, implementing this system takes an inordinate amount of courage to speak one’s truth knowing we’re opening ourselves up to rejection and/or abandonment. What helps then? The sense of security I have built within myself. The level of competency I have honed in the different areas of life that allow me to function as an independent entity. No matter who or what stays or leaves. I count on myself. Because I have discovered the power that can only come from self-empowerment.

The kind of strength that I consciously build and develop to get me through any storms. The kind of choice that suddenly becomes available because I have built the necessary self-reliance frameworks.

The goal is not to separate ourselves from the world under the guise of becoming independent. But to enable us to have the choice to decide who or what we’re compatible with. And should we find ourselves in a position where we have to walk away for the purposes of protecting our own sanity and well-being, we’ve made that process easier for ourselves.

There is no need to freeze the heart that's beating every minute to keep us warm and alive. We reciprocate by doing what we can to make it easier for our hearts to stay warm and alive. At the end of the day, it is our heart you know? Why freeze it when we can let it beat freely to the beat of its own drum? Are you getting that warm fuzzy feeling just yet? I most certainly am. Thaw the frozen pond. Free your heart.