"That's How It Is"

I've been feeling helpless lately... and not in the good, happy, falling in love type way Eliza does in "Hamilton..." in the dejected, lonely, frustrated until anger type way. I feel like I see all of this injustice and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm a poor kid from a rural area. I see people be treated badly, no matter their age, race, religion, gender, lack of gender, sexual orientation, et cetera. I see all of these awful toxic people winning and then out populating the good non-toxic people (which still do have some toxic traits, but eh, no ones perfect) who are biting the big one. I talk about it and always get the same answer: "Is the way it is." Usually with a dismissive shrug. I'm so sick of that answer. I want something to change, nay I need something to change!

I need these toxic bad people to get their comeuppance in some way. I need them to learn that the bad things they are doing, are bad and have consequences. I want most of all for abusers to pay. Abusers of any kind, not just domestic abusers. All I can seem to see anymore are abusers. All I can seem to see are toxic traits everywhere. I don't like it. Ever since I got out of my abusive relationship its all, I can see. I miss the ignorance of not knowing. I know that sounds awful but its the truth. I've been having more and more nightmares lately. I've been feeling more and more hopeless that the world is ever going to change.

I so easily pick up on these things now, that even in a work environment I'm very sensitive to it. I've quit two jobs because of it. The first job post abusive relationship was an e-commerce job with a non-profit organization. My boss was very toxic. She would be nice to your face, and then turn around and pick on someone else for a week. She would cycle through everyone in the department until it landed back on the first person. I got the first taste of it almost 3 months into working there. I had to quit. I wasn't going to be treated that way for the sake of a paycheck. Then it started happening at the job I had gotten as a second job that became my primary job a few years ago. I quit that job too for that reason in addition to COVID-19 and of course wanting some sort of career change, which I wrote about last year.

I have become so sensitive to it that when I have been treated with toxic behaviors I pick up on it instantly, and I want to get away from them. Even when they are small, and the harm they cause could be negligent. I had a family member who was quite out of line with me a few years ago and was very toxic about it, and I haven't seen them since. I don't want to be treated that way. I get angry when other people are treated badly and not given the empathy they deserve.

There was a post on a group that I'm in on Facebook about a lady being rude to the teller at a local bank. I am someone who has been abused and now have panic attacks came to it from a different direction than just being judgmental. I pointed out that this lady could have been having a panic attack. I pointed out this lady could be freaking out on the teller because the result of the mobile app wasn't working could be unpaid bills or being beaten emotionally, mentally, or physically by a domestic partner. Panic attacks don't care about what is reasonable. Anything becomes important, because everything is important. I also said I didn't condone her behavior, but I can empathize with this behavior because I have too had a panic attack that was triggered like that. They didn't really like what I had to say and fought against me. One even dismissing me like I was a small child, but I think I got my point across. They were judging this woman, and not even trying to put themselves in her shoes. The problem with the town this happened in is that most of the people there are very judgmental and care about appearances only. It really made me mad.

These are just some of the instances I have personally have experienced at the hand of toxicity. I've always been a person who gets mad over injustice. Any type of injustice whether its racism, antisemitism, bullying of any kind to anyone who is different. I have always been enraged by it. Its not right, it's not okay. I'm finally going to spill the beans on how exactly I feel. I will try to be somewhat diplomatic, but I can't promise that everything is going to be smooth. If you know what I mean.

I think the phrase (when it relates to these injustices) "That's the way it is" is utter and complete bullshit. That's just an excuse to cover your eyes and ears in a childlike fashion and ignore the worlds problems. I wish I could fix everything and make it okay for everyone. I'm sure many people feel that way. I am going to express my feelings. This is my medium; this is my vocal page. I am going to do what I want with it. Anyway, "That's the way it is" is a cop out to me. You can't just say "this is the status quo, and because its status quo we're not going to change it." That's bullshit when the status quo is treating people like garbage.

Toxicity needs to be eradicated. The games, intrigues, name calling, insults, gaslighting, and making peoples lives a living hell because it makes you feel better. The disrespect for our fellow human beings needs to stop. It's not okay and never has been.

The lack of empathy or any emotions what so ever especially needs to stop. Us vs Them needs to stop. We are all humans; we all are worthy of being treated well. We all deserve kindness, respect, trust, consistency, stability and security. Playing mind games, using toxic behaviors undermines these things. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." This means to me, that others and I deserve a life without the extra hardship and pain of being abused with toxic behaviors.

The thing is I can get on here and preach and preach and preach, and I know that noting will change. Nothing. Not. A. Damned. Thing. I'm just one voice screaming into the void. This is what is making me feel so helpless. I feel like I want an unattainable goal. I feel like because of the "that's how it is" excuse, that no one is going to band with me to change it. It feels like people are so comfortable with being so uncomfortable. I feel like they want to have an easy excuse for either not changing. I feel that people want to be miserable and have a label for that misery. I don't want that. I don't want to be labeled "Anxious," "Depressed," "Trauma Survivor." Its not because of a stigma to mental health, but because if we push aside the excuses we CAN change this world for the BETTER. I want the world to be better so that those labels don't exist anymore. I dream of a better world where toxicity is a word that only describes pollution, or the ingredients of paint, or an idustrial byproduct. I don't want it to be a word that describes our behavior to one another.

Its a lofty dream. I know it is. Though that doesn't mean I'm going to believe in it any less. I want a world where I don't have to be afraid that I'm going to be treated with toxicity in any part of my life. I want peace. I want happiness, not only for me... but for everyone. Everyone deserves peace; everyone deserves happiness. True happiness, not the masquerade of "oh well, x toxic behavior is what makes Mr. Bobby Joe happy." That's a shit excuse for a shit situation. It's another way to say "that's how it is." I want a world where I can go and work a retail job and not be shit on by customers because "that's how it is." I don't want any retail worker to put up with that. In this world I see, because no one is treated with toxic behavior (yes such a dream world) no one would be treating cashiers with toxicity either.

I know that this is more than likely unattainable, but... Let. Me. Dream! Let me be the pie in the sky, head in the sky Pisces I am for a minute. Let me dream of a world - a wonderful world where toxicity doesn't exist. I need that fantasy. I don't want anyone to suffer anymore. The saying people who hurt, are people who hurt is true. We need to stop the vicious cycle. Hurting others because you hurt isn't good. I admit I'm guilty of it too. I am working on holding myself back at those moments when I want to spew bile. I really need to hold myself back more and take out my frustrations on a word processor or even here on vocal. There is a reason why people ask in movies and TV shows to mean people "Who hurt you?"

We hurt people, need to remember its okay to turn on the empathy and use it to its fullest extent. As long as we are not around toxic people it is safe to use our empathy. When we don't use our empathy, it makes us just as bad as the toxic people who hurt us. We don't want to be the same, do we? I know that I for one do not. I do not want to be as abusive as my ex was. Its a sickening thought. I want to be a kind, sweet, thoughtful, balanced, generous, trusting, loving, understanding, empathetic person. I want to give others what my ex denied to me. I want to be the antithesis of what he is. We should all strive to be the antithesis of toxicity.

We should strive to be more kind. Now, I'm not saying we won't have our times of being mad or sad. Those times happen to us we're all human after all. Though if we strive to be a less toxic society we will find less toxic ways to handle our anger, frustration, and sadness. Its just a given with how humans adapt. I just think we haven't given ourselves the proper chance to change and become a better world. We can do this if we try. I don't think we'll ever 100% eradicate toxicity as much as I would love that. I do think we can get 80% of the way there, maybe even 90% if we try hard enough.

Thank you for reading this, if you've made it this far you must like what I do. Why not consider leaving a tip? Thanks! Have a great day!