Four days ago my life began to fall in a direction no one could prepare me for. The sad part of that statement is, if my heart was honest with myself, gut-wrenchingly honest, I knew it was bound to happen. Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of love? We create this image of what happy looks like, and begin to feel it. From taking the perfect Instagram photos, writing the clever captions, and well, making our own romance novel through photos. Except photos can be altered, photoshopped, cropped, and made out as something far from the original. That's exactly what happened with my real life. I took what looked like perfection, and attempted to create it through someone who was an artist himself. We both had all the talent, creativity, and motive to display what true love looked like, except art is just art. It doesn't have the power to come to life no matter how much technology we put into it.
So the image was created, and it looked like the happiest thing alive. People loved us, knew us, and wanted to be us. The relationship self-grew from the admiration of people in a computer. He wanted to take the perfect photos, and I loved being the person he needed next to him. Except to me, it was far more than just words and images— it was my true feelings. I could sit here and type out all the metaphors, romantic quotes, and give you the perfect analogy of what love is, except what will that truly do? Today was the first day in four days my smile felt real for the first time in months. Yeah, you read that correctly. I said months. Yes, my heart was shattered on the floor like the number of shot glasses crashing in my store a couple days ago. Yes, my tears were pouring out of me, and the vomit was not just from the four shots of tequila. It was my body breaking down the truth that happened in just forty-eight hours. Most of you don't understand anything that I'm saying because you didn't live/ experience those hours. The first couple hours were me crying my eyes out on a freeway, nearly crashing into thousands of cars, then giving in, calling my mom, and admitting defeat. Crashing into a bed where he used to lay next to me, smelling every inch of the bed knowing that was going to fade in time. My eyes didn't close the first 24 hours, and my heart didn't stop beating out of my chest in utter pain. The next hours were the ones of acceptance, and realizing the world was about to be scary to face alone. Except what I discovered was, I was never really alone. I may have pushed away half of my friends along the way while in this relationship...except they all held onto me while I attempted to get my pieces back together.
My list of friends that I threw away while with this guy was longer than the line at Disneyland for Space Mountain., To be honest, my eyes were so focused on this man, I didn't even keep a close relationship with my own mom. I started to see negative things in her, in my dad, and even siblings. What happened to me? Moments after things went south, each and every one of the people I let go reached back for me. This is where it gets far more real to me. Tryston, you left because you felt I didn't let you have good friendships. You felt the toxic relationship was keeping you from the individuals who didn't even care to help when you were collapsed in the bed sweating from a higher fever. Tryston, I had genuine friends who loved and needed me that I let go without even you asking. I threw them away to make a family with you. My eyes were fixed on yours while your heart was fixed on them. I'll never regret asking you to not see certain people, and I'll forever be grateful you did. because years from now, we could have had kids, owned a home, and if you picked them, I would have been left with kids and no husband. Our family, our name, would have just been a name to you. It wouldn't have held all the importance it needed to hold. So I'm going to say, "thank you". Thank you for walking away, thank you for making me be broken to find happiness. Thank you for walking out, and forcing me to find love in friends/ family. Thank you for giving me the escape my heart always needed.