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Testing Fate

Love

By Marissa DeShieldsPublished 3 years ago 11 min read
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Testing Fate
Photo by Carlos on Unsplash

I look off into the field to where my car is parked, but first I am going finish this glass of Merlot to calm my nerves. First dates make people nervous in the first place, but for this, it is the next level. I have not been on a first date in nine years. I still remember my previous first date. I miss you so much Allie. I know she would not want me to torture myself like this. It has been two years since I lost you, and two years since I have started my journey. When I think of you, I cannot help but smile and catch myself crying for days.

For the most part, I think of you as the person that saved me. See, you always said that I was your angel, but you were mine. I did not understand who I could be and what I could be without you, and now, I am off in a new city with a new life that is completely different from ours. I still have our babies with me. In the beginning, I did not have them. It me hurt too much to see them here without you.

I use the boarding place that you had set up for me, and I took off. I did what I needed to do, though I was angry for so long. I was angry with myself, and I was angry with God. I was even angry with you, even though you did not deserve it. I just wanted something to feel, and someone to blame for your absence.

There is nothing I can blame anyone for, because if it meant not having you in my life at all, or having you, loving you, and losing you. Then I would choose the latter. I would like to have you in my life every day. You saved me Allie, and you helped change me. I will never forget that help from you. With that, I am getting myself together. I am nervous, I am not going to lie.

The girl I am going out with tonight is cute. It has taken me a long time to be able to see people like that again. I felt like I was betraying Allie, that it was an insult to her memory for me to pay attention to other women. Eventually, I knew that she would not want me to be alone forever. Even though we had plans to be together, our time got cut short. Cancer took you away from me, took my angelic, goofy girlfriend away at 26. Leukemia took her life away and ruined mine. Now it is time to start over.

So, I walk to my bedroom as my two dogs follow me. Charlie, who is my brindle pit and Oreo, my little black Shih Tzu, both jump on my bed as I look at myself in the mirror. I try to decide if I want to wear this outfit. I look at myself and really take myself in. I am about 5 foot five with long hair down to my chest. My hair is red with a caramel complexion and big green eyes. I am thick, but not too big. I have just enough curves that God blessed me with. I turn some heads, so I know that I am attractive.

I have on skintight jeans and a beautiful blue peasant top with a pair of heels. I keep smoothing my shirt down trying to shake off the feeling of a being nervous, but I kiss my dogs goodbye, and then I slowly walk out to my car. I climb into my car to head to the restaurant for us to meet. The place is only 15 minutes away. It is weird for a long time I would not even look at another woman everywhere I turned I seen Allie it is like she haunted me I think that was a big reason why I could not date how could I do that to her? I was the love of her life and she was mine, but unfortunately, she was only a chapter of my life. I ended up being the rest of hers.

The worst thing I could do, is trying to change the memory of what we had. What I can do now, is focus on who I am and move on to this next chapter. Someone else that may be as special to me as well in time. I head to this restaurant called The Stallion. It is a mom-and-pop place that I go to a lot. I figured if she were going to like me, I wanted her to like me for me and not just for everything that I could do for her. People do not know that I have money or that I am well off. I am a millionaire in fact, but if you looked around, you could not tell. I keep that to myself, because I am not looking to find someone who just wants me for what I have. I came from being a chef in Pittsburgh, to restoring a beautiful home, moving, and living in New Orleans close to Bourbon Street. When you are there, everything just feels alive. I traveled to a lot of places after everything went down, but when I came here, I felt like it was the place for me.

Everyone said that I would be back, but there is no way I was going to let that happen. Even if I hated it, I was not going to go back and fall into the monotonous routine that I used to call my life. So even though there are many days that I cried about my decision, I never went back. If I ever need to go back, I still have my house. All the bills and everything are up-to-date, and I get my exes sister, Crimson, to check out everything for me and make sure everything is good. I say that she is my ex's sister, but she is so much more than; that she is one of my biggest connections to Allie that I have left.

When everything went down, she was there for me she was a true friend she spent so much time with the both of us it felt like she is my sister too. I just knew in my heart I could not go back. I could not look at everything we used to have and be ok. There are only a select few people who know that I have so much money. When Allie passed, she left me a huge life insurance policy of $20 million to be exact. I was in shock for a long time, but I have done very little with the money. I still have most of it. I paid off my new home because Allie paid off ours. I paid off my mother’s home, bought a brand-new car that was sleek and nice, but also sturdy and dependable. I invested in quite a handful of things and put most of it in savings that build on. I always keep some cash on me in a safe that I had built in the floor, because you can never be too safe.

You never know what might happen. I pull up to the restaurant well as close as I can, but there is never any parking close to where you need to be. I know that the spot that I got was as good as it is going to get. It is only about half a block or so to the restaurant. I get out and I check myself one more time and I head to the restaurant. I walk in and I am 15 minutes early, which is a rare thing. The term fashionably late, is made because of me and I tell the hostess that I want a table for two. She is checking me out and I smile, but when tell her that I am here for date, her face drops a little bit. She understands though so she takes me to my seat, gives me one more look and I sit down.

After I wait about 10 minutes and I see this beautiful woman walk in with cream color skin and long brown hair with a beautiful yellow sundress. I smile to myself because she looks very nervous. Her big blue eyes are looking all around and then they land right on me and I wonder for the second time if life as I know it was going to change. It is one of those moments where the time just stops. I walk up to her and ask her if her name is Jamie and she replied “yes”. I reach in for a hug, because that is my thing to do, she was a little caught off guard but fell right into it. We order our drinks, and we begin to talk.

She tells me about how she is a dancer and that she has been doing ballet classes for the past 15 years. She explained how it is super hard on her body and was very gratifying. I told her about how I love to work out and how it makes me feel like a whole person. Though mostly I am a lazy person with a sweet tooth. She laughs at what I said and told me that tonight was her splurge night on dinner, so she can eat whatever she wants, which does not happen often. So, we order a bottle of wine and we have fried shrimp and gator tail for an appetizer. She got a Po’boy with cheese and I got shrimp and grits for our entrées. Conversation was just flowing for hours.

She was somebody I could really connect with, and then Allie came across my mind so quickly. I knew that I looked uncomfortable for a second, and Jamie asked me “What’s wrong?” I reply, “it’s nothing, do not worry about it.” She then slowly reaches out and touches my hand and says “I know that this is just our first date, but it looks like something was bothering you. Do not hesitate if this is not something that you talk about on a first date.” She looks into my eyes and something gives me a look that makes you want to talk about something. “I have not been on a first date in a long time. The last person I went on a first date with was my girlfriend, Allie.” She looks at me with understanding. She then says “Well, what happened with Allie? Did things just not work out?” I smiled the one that I give to people when I am trying to reassure them, and I tell her how I loved Allie with my whole heart. “We were together for seven years, but she had leukemia, so I watched her change from this amazing, beautiful woman to a ghost of the person she was.” Jamie’s face fell. “Oh, Annie I am so sorry it is ok.” I quickly reassure her it has been two years, so I am a little bit rusty at this. I apologize to her and I offer a weak smile.

“Could you just excuse me a second?” I ask softly. I get up and smoothly walk to the restroom as if nothing were bothering me. Then I investigated the bathroom mirror and I lost it in a way that I have not in a long time. I cried for Allie. I cried to myself. I cried for the situation and then I let the tears dry up. I splash my face, push my shoulders back, and I told myself that I am not going to let myself sabotage something that might be great. I walk back and she is sitting there giving me the look that everybody must give me when it all happened.

Before I could say anything, she put her hand up and said, “look I know that this may not be ideal, and I know that you may feel a certain kind of way.” I try to cut her off and she said “let me finish, but I would like to talk to you and going on this date was amazing. I hope that we could have another day like this.” I was kind of shocked. I did not know if she would even want to go out with me. I am a mess, but I reach my hand out and I put it on top of hers. I smile and I say, “I would like that a lot.” I pay for dinner and we go for a walk down Bourbon Street as she shyly grabs my hand and I squeeze hers. We walk for about an hour then I call for an Uber to pick her up. “I had a really nice time with you Annie.” she says smiling at me softly.

She gave me the look that everybody knows you want to be kissed. I could take this moment and I could kiss her with everything I have in me, or I can hold back. Holding on like a child to its mothers’ hand to the memory of Allie, and what we had. As I contemplate this, I remember that Allie’s dying wish was for me to be happy. So, with that in my mind, I smile, and I push her hair back I lean in and kiss her ever so softly. It felt like little shocks of electricity ran a course through my veins. I looked her in the eyes, and I knew for a fact, that life as I know it, was about to change.

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About the Creator

Marissa DeShields

Just a woman with a lot of words to say. Thank you for all of the support even if it’s a read it means so much to me so I hope you have a great day.😊

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