Just a woman with a lot of words to say. Thank you for all of the support even if it’s a read it means so much to me so I hope you have a great day.😊
Confessions of a Suicide
Dear mom; There is something I’ve always wanted to tell you and I couldn’t. I think a part of you knew but I’m not sure how big that part is. Mom you saved my life; I was going on a really hard path my depression was eating me like maggots to flesh. I just couldn’t fight it anymore in the end I was about to give up my life. Suicide has been something that I’ve contemplated and have attempted multiple times. Though this time was different because no one had any idea that I was doing that bad. I could still remember The day as if it was yesterday and I think I will be old and gray with wrinkles in my skin and you’ll be long gone but I will still remember this. I have a Grim Reaper tattoo on my arm with a number 13 on it. This represents the first time I tried to kill myself. I was just a child I didn’t know how important life could be or how important I could be to others. Every day would just drag on and I honestly just wanted it to be over. Growing up I idolized you I’ve always wanted to to be like you. To be half the woman that you are would be a blessing. As a woman now I remember that a lot of girls say that about their mom. For me this was different I seen how you hustled how you made sure that nothing was ever needed in my life. You were the firm hand and the best friend Mom simply you’re a bad ass. On top of that to have your perseverance and your kind heart I’d give anything for it. The day I was going to kill myself my letters were written my choice of how I was going to do it was laid out in front of me and that was going to be the end. I don’t know how but it’s like you knew it’s like you had a mom vision because you called me and you were just checking on me. You made me laugh and you told me that you love me it’s not something that we do all the time because I’m not mushy but the sentiment is always there. As I sat there pills in hand I went back to being a child. Just a little girl that wanted her mom you saved me and you didn’t even know it. To you it was just a Tuesday to me it was gonna be my last Tuesday. So thank you for being the mom that I always wanted and needed throughout my life I may have rebelled as a teenager. I know that I wasn’t always the easiest and I was your only child. You had no idea what to do with me. You were only 20 years old when you had me you were still in school. You were in a toxic relationship that was bringing you down and you still rose up from it all. For me at 20 I barely was keeping my head above water and you rose above in a way that I respected the hell out of you. To top it off when you had me you were all alone and that’s a scary thought at 20. For you to go through that and I’ve already been 20 and I know I couldn’t have done half of the things that you’ve done throughout my life . So now growing older as I am our relationship is the coolest thing that I could ever ask for. So many people are jealous of it because I tell you everything but I didn’t tell you this. How bad I was doing and how easily you could’ve lost me. You have no idea how much I owe you and how much you appreciate it. The love and respect that I have for you now will never be overturned.
It all started when Joseph got a car. We were 16 years old and that was one of the coolest things that you could have. No more waiting for our parents to take us to meet our friends at the movie theater on Friday night. We were free and it was glorious. This was the first weekend that he had his car and we made plans. Him and I had a flirtation but it never progressed to anything else he was one of my best friends since he moved here from Michigan.
I am so excited for this to be happening; we are going away to the lake house this weekend. This is something that we do not do very often, and my mom says that she has something important to tell me. I am not exactly sure what it is going to be maybe it is a surprise it is my 12th birthday. My grandmother always would say that your 12th birthday is important for our family, but I never understood why. So, it is going to be a small party this weekend I have had a toothache for the past couple of days, so I hope it goes away. My mom, my dad, my sister, and my grandparents are all headed to our Lakehouse to celebrate my birthday. I love coming here I think about in the winter when we go down to the pond where we like to fish and it’s frozen and glistening. How we ice skate and then my mom makes homemade hot chocolate.
It was the summer before eighth grade and I felt like my life is over. I moved all the way from Pittsburgh to Atlanta Georgia and you could’ve said that I was moving to Canada and it wouldn’t of made a difference because that’s how far away I felt. I went to the same school since kindergarten I was the line leader with a boy name Ron and in my head he was a boy that I was gonna date all throughout high school we were going to get married have kids the whole shebang.
I looked down at the heart shaped locket that has been around my neck for as long as I can remember. This has been my talisman when my mom died; before all of this started. Before the world fell apart and my biggest problem was I had a bedtime. Terrible things like I was forced to eat vegetables or I had to do homework; I wish those were still my problems. Instead we are in an abandoned house that you can tell was once somebody’s family home that is now destroyed. Ransacked by the original family in their attempt to escape. Pictures and clothes construed throughout the hallways. Pantry had been completely disheveled. It’s a two story Victorian style home with cracked paint on what was once a blue awning. This was once a home of a doctor or someone prestigious.
I look off into the field to where my car is parked, but first I am going finish this glass of Merlot to calm my nerves. First dates make people nervous in the first place, but for this, it is the next level. I have not been on a first date in nine years. I still remember my previous first date. I miss you so much Allie. I know she would not want me to torture myself like this. It has been two years since I lost you, and two years since I have started my journey. When I think of you, I cannot help but smile and catch myself crying for days.