Talk to your Partner

Okay, let’s talk about relationships. Let’s be real and start with what I’d like to call the ABCs of relationships whether platonic or romantic.

Accountability! A basic fact of relationships is the need to be accountable for yourself, your words and actions including habits and behaviors.

Be Willing to Do What it Takes! You have to be willing to put in the work and energy needed to make your relationship work. If two people in a relationship cannot put one another’s needs first then, a loving relationship might not be for you.

Communication! Regardless of the kind of person you are, the most important thing in any relationship is communication! I realize you may have heard this before but it really is true – even more so when you don’t want to talk!

Having established the ABCs; let us focus on the role of Communication in relationships.

When it comes to communication, it doesn’t matter if your relationship is new or ongoing; whether you are in a marriage or other long-term relationship, open and honest communication is key if you want to have a healthy long-term relationship.

Much like the stock market where you receive dividends for your investments, your relationship is a major investment that takes time and thought and one that will reward with dividends if you nurture it wisely.

However, for a variety of reasons, many people in relationships choose not to communicate with their partners. I remember watching an episode of Chicago Fire where Severide (one of the fire fighters who was dating a fellow fire fighter named Kidd) was confronted with the insinuation by a superior officer that his girlfriend was benefitting from nepotism because she was dating him. Rather than deny it and without saying anything to his girlfriend, Severide, who had promised to help Kidd train for her promotion exam, decided he wouldn’t help her after all and began avoiding her. He would make excuses not to help and in doing so made her wonder what was wrong and possibly if he was cheating on her.

I couldn’t help but think this is going to blow up. Situations that need not create problems are allowed to become so serious due to the poor communication approach some of us adopt intentionally or by omission. Severide could have simply told Kidd what happened. Eventually he did but not before it almost cost him the relationship.

Is this a macho thing? I don’t think so. It applies to both men and women. Where did we get this thing from where we cannot talk to our partner? I grant you even trying to communicate can be fraught with problems but that is the thing with relationships: Do you know your partner? I feel the key to maintaining your emotional and mental health in a romantic relationship is to always communicate honestly and openly with your partner. I have heard it said that men and women communicate differently and that could create problems but if we can communicate well enough to be in a relationship then it is a surmountable problem as long as both parties are willing to work at it. Besides, it is stressful having to keep something from your partner when he or she can sense something is going on and you either brush it off or lie. That strain will increase the longer you avoid coming clean unless your partner is totally consumed with other things and doesn’t take the time to notice something is going on with you.

We need to realize relationships begin with communication and can be destroyed with communication. If you want that person in your life there is no option of getting tired of making the effort. You need to get his or her attention and let your partner know where you are or what is going on. Once you have started the conversation allow for the fact that emotions may run high and the conversation make take days or weeks for a compromise or understanding to be reached. There is nothing better in a relationship than having a partner that knows where you both are-which hopefully is the same place in the relationship- this creates a feeling of security and knowing you are not alone in any situation.

So here are my suggestions for fostering open communication in your relationship:

Be deliberate about knowing your partner and ensuring your partner knows you as well. You might wonder “who would get into a relationship without knowing the other person” but when you think about it, many people compromise when it comes to relationships and often not in a good way.

Some people say we all have secrets and that may be true but you should not have secrets from your partner. Your partner should never be someone you cannot trust! I’m not saying there are no relationships that are successful where there isn’t total trust but here’s the thing- they know each other’s weakness or secrets and they make the effort to accommodate them! If this is your dynamic and it is working for both of you do not change it, however, if one of you is not content then there will need to be a change.

How do you get to know your partner or potential partner? You communicate! You talk to the other person about yourself and vice-versa. Not all at once but over time getting to the more intimate details.

Don’t be thoughtless in your relationship – think about your actions and how it might affect your relationship. Like the Severide situation, think about how your actions might be perceived and ensure it does not cause an outcome that could be easily avoided. I mean avoid assuming your partner will understand without first talking about the situation. Allow him or her the freedom to be honest and accept their position.

Put in the Work - Here’s the thing, it is possible to be very lazy about maintaining a healthy relationship. You may be willing to do all you can to make things work and your partner is not only willing but happy to let you do all the work. That partner, I’m sorry to tell you, does not honestly value that relationship. You want to know what you can compare it with? Try money. Money is something we all appreciate because of all we can use it for and the fact that we have to earn it. Talk money and you have the attention of almost every human being you come across barring the truly spiritual and other outliers. The same should be the case for your relationship for you and your partner. It will not be hard to see when your partner puts you and your welfare ahead of all decisions.

So, you value the relationship but he or she isn’t making the effort to work with you to keep it healthy? You are in trouble unless you are willing and able to move on if nothing changes.

Talk! Use your words in as loving a way as possible. Listening is also very important. Everyone I have met appreciate having someone listen when they have something to say and I think your partner expects it. It doesn’t matter if it is something you don’t agree with. What matters is that you pay attention and hear everything your partner has to say. When it’s your turn you can share you position.

Ladies, please avoid using the phrase ‘we need to talk!’ That tends to put men on the defensive. It tends to make men think I have done something wrong. Men…Gentlemen, we also have to avoid the same phrase and variations thereof but mostly do not assume she knows what you are thinking or want.

I will conclude this by saying communication is one way to show you respect and appreciate your partner. The fact that you are willing to communicate does not guarantee you will never have fights or disagreements but it does mean you are both on the same page.