Surviving the Worst

It is never easy to shake the growing dread as the darkness rolls in. Where once I would have found refuge, I now only find pain. The saying goes that you cannot grow in comfort but I wasn't really planning on being thrown into a cavernous pit full of vipers in order to accomplish some personal growth. There were days that survival was the most I could do and the thought of ever getting out of the darkness I was trapped in was laughable. If I could even muster a laugh. I persisted, though. Every day was a challenge but as the days passed, I grew stronger and more resilient.

I felt completely blind sided by the sudden shift. You let me believe it was all okay and things were starting to look up. You just made it easier for your own exit while walking me to the cliff and watching me free fall as if it was as easy as breathing. For you, there was a new path. For me, there was a long and grueling climb back to the top.

You came to check on me every once in a while. Looking down at me and keeping tabs on what I was doing. Yelling down your disapproval as if it mattered to me anymore. Never offering a hand or even an apology. You enjoyed watching me fail and felt threatened when I started to climb. I'll never know what you were thinking when you betrayed me without hesitation. Did you plan it all along? Or was it a spur of the moment decision to add a little spice back into your life? Did it make you feel any better about yourself to know I was worse off? Did it ever even matter?

I was in a dark pit with barely any strength left to reach the top. In the midst of wallowing in my misery, a rope was dropped down. I looked up expecting you but it quickly became clear you were never intending to make things right. Instead, I was greeted by the faces of those around me who thought I was worth rescuing from you. Helping hands and understanding faces worked together to get me back up. Always there to act as a barrier to protect me from your attempts at throwing me back down. Helping to lift me higher and higher as I worked on building myself back up from the rubble you left behind.

You still manage to weasel your way in from time to time. Putting on the act of unhappy and wronged as you conveniently forget what you did. I've left you behind sitting next to your pit of despair. I've even left behind many of those who helped me escape it. As they helped me to move forward, they stayed where they were. Waving me on with a smile, knowing that our paths were now splitting from another. There is always another smiling face just a bit further down the road. Often they are faces I already know. But sometimes they are new and bring with them new growth. You are never there. It took me far longer than I care to admit to accept that you would never be there along the path. To understand that you were stuck where you tried to keep me and, even if you were to move forward, you would never add anything to my journey.

I survived the pit. I survived you. I survived the worst you could throw at me. And while I may have made some mistakes and handled things less than gracefully, I am proud of how far I've come. To know that I escaped being stuck tied to you and never moving forward is better than life with you ever was. They say you're still in your own pit. Screaming and crying stopping only to proclaim that you are fine to anyone who asks if you need help. You ruined so much for me but karma has a funny way of evening things out.