Surviving The Cycle

(For the safety of each person described, all names used are aliases.)

"What's your name? I can tell you a story before we get into the game"

I've been in love ever since I got into high school. I was about 14 years old then. I'm 25 now. I'm a half-Hispanic, half-Asian gay man who has been overweight almost all his life. And consistently, for the last 11 years, I've gotten myself into emotionally precarious positions time and again. Only recently did I finally break myself out of this constant pattern, with a story behind it all.

"We fall head-over-heels overnight, see my face in your future"

It started with Lionel. A kind, yet clumsy god-fearing cross-country athlete from Jersey who used to let me sleep over every now and again. We were only in high school, but I was really into him then. Maybe it was his face, the sleepy look in his eye, or how we both were in Catholic school, making this desire a religious taboo. I used to leave some of my lunch money in his locker, just so he wouldn't show up during lunch period without anything to eat. He didn't develop feelings for me, simply because he was, well, straight. Even though it didn't get me anywhere, I did it anyway. I gave with little to no return.

"I'm in your future, in your nights, mmm..."

Then there was Marshall. If you asked me about him four or five years ago, you would definitely hear me say he was the one I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. I was insanely fixated on this guy. I met him during orientation in college. I didn't think "love at first sight" was real until I had laid eyes on him. He was the reason I was overweight almost all my life. For him, I had lost around 80 pounds because I was so convinced he had feelings for me. I wanted to be perfect for him.

"We're intense"

The day that Marshall said he loved and cared about me, I felt my heart light fireworks straight up into my skull. All the days of being there for him, making him laugh, and being good to him were all adding up to something stellar. But I was blinded by the spectacle of what I thought was my dream coming true. I knew he was straight, but I just didn't want to give him up. I ignored the signs that he was into women. The following day, he asked me for advice because he was having girl troubles and wanted my opinion. I gained back those 80 pounds, too.

"In a lip lock now 24/7, don't want it to end, but reality's waiting, they say better come up for air soon"

Dorian was brief and short-lived. I remember the day we left the theater and walked back to the parking lot. It was nice to be with someone who was actually gay, even though I wasn't all that interested. When we got in my car, I remember vividly what he tried to do (and succeeded). As he sat in the passenger seat, he pointed to something off in the distance to my left, causing me to look away from him. Seeing nothing, I turned my head back to face him, and immediately we're kissing in my car. I was enjoying myself, sure, but I didn't want it to go further. After all, I didn't like him like that. I dropped him off and we opted to stay friends. We never spoke again.

"Yeah, come up for air soon. Make a change, mmm..."

I trust my friends a lot. I tell them everything. They began to notice an odd pattern—I catch feelings for straight men, and am disinterested in gay men. I asked myself so many questions. Why do I want what I can't have? Do I just like the chase? Will I do it again?

"Falling again, don't understand, never my plan, no"

Cue Sylvan. When he and I talked for the first time, I thought, yeah, he's cool. He didn't have a girlfriend or anything. My friends liked him too. He was a good conversationalist for the most part and asked a lot of thought-provoking questions. The more I hung out with him, the more I got accustomed to him. He was new on campus, and I had been living on campus for a while. I liked helping him and having him around. I'd invite him over to my room just to hang out. Before I knew it, I was catching feelings again. But is he straight? He didn't seem like he was gay. I didn't want to ask. I didn't want the fun to potentially stop so soon.

"I'm in a cycle, yeah I admit it, how can I change it when I don't know when I'm in it?"

The rush of the chase began again. It reminded me of Marshall and Lionel. I'd give and give, over and over again. It never amounted to much with Lionel, and Marshall was grateful, but Sylvan was receptive. Things escalated.

"I'm in a cycle, swear this is different, don't wanna end it, if you leave, then I keep spinning"

The invites to my place became invites to his place. Both of us lived on campus, so the convenience was at its peak. We started hanging out almost all the time—studying, eating, going out, you name it. I think I was starting to get attached. My friends began to notice. They'd even joke around wondering where my "other half" was when I was walking by myself, or if he and I were dating. Then the sleepovers began.

"I'm in a cycle, don't mean we ain't true, just cause I talk about the things I've done before you"

I'd tell Sylvan stories about Marshall, and how things didn't work out the way I had hoped. I told Sylvan almost everything I did for Marshall, like I was grieving over the loss. As if I deserved the relationship after all that I had done. But ironically enough, I was doing the same exact things to Sylvan: being there for him, making him laugh, and being good to him. And you best believe that I still expected a relationship to grow from this.

"I'm in a cycle, swear this is different, don't wanna end it, if you leave, then I keep spinning"

The only time we were apart was for class or an obligation. The sleepovers went from resting on opposite sides of the room to sleeping in the same bed. Sleeping in the same bed turned into cuddling. I was so absolutely certain this was going to work out. No straight man would do this, right? Right? We talked about almost everything under the sun, learned the tough parts about each other's lives, and all of our future aspirations.

He wound up catching feelings for some other girl he saw in a few of his classes. Devastated, I didn't talk to him for months.

"You're afraid, yeah? The way I love you now and my love in the past are the same"

Maven was the sweetest thing to cross my path. We matched over Tinder while I was on a trip with friends to Canada. Our conversations flowed like water, messaging each other with every chance we had. He was my last right swipe on Tinder too, before I had to wait another 24 hours. I figured that meant something. Then again, anything meant something to me. I was volatile. I set up a date with him to go out and eat together when I returned from Canada. I even saw rainbows on the way to see him for the first time. I thought that was a sign, too. But I was terrified now—a possible relationship with an actual gay man, like me. I was beginning to tread unfamiliar territory.

"And the things that I say are exactly what I used to tell them, and that really hurts me, but I know, mmm..."

During our first date, I somehow managed to spill all my stories about Marshall and how things didn't work out. And I mean every. Single. Detail. I shared all the things I did for him, the day he told me he loved and cared about me, and the day he asked me for advice for his girl troubles. All of it disclosed on the first date. I barely took a bite out of the food I ordered that day because I was talking so much. I was so scared to get close to Maven, so I talked about the things I was familiar with rather than exploring possibilities with the man in front of me. I didn't know any better. I even liked Maven, too. He was the first gay man that I wasn't disinterested in.

We talked for about a month afterward, then one day he told me he wound up having "a little fun" with a woman at a party and admitting to being bisexual. I instantly cut him loose.

"Falling again, don't understand, never my plan, no"

I met Archie through Bumble. He was a bisexual man who managed to convince me to get into sexting, and it's not something I was all that proud of doing. I just kept following the rush of getting attention and mediocre affection. I wasn't all that interested. Eventually, I tried to let Archie go because I felt cruel for leading him on with enticement. There was a lot of pleading, bargaining, and begging from his end. He said I was his last hope of ever being with a man. It wasn't right to keep him around. I blocked him.

"I'm in a cycle, yeah I admit it, how can I change it when I don't know when I'm in it?"

I let Nate come over after the first date. He was gay and out to others. But still, my disinterest persisted. Why do I keep going out with men I don't even like? Why do I string them along like this? Who do I blame? Is it because of what Marshall did to me? Is it my fault that things played out the way they did? That after all of my efforts, including losing all that weight, I was still the one who was wrong? I ghosted Nate.

"I'm in a cycle, swear this is different, don't wanna end it, if you leave, then I keep spinning"

I stopped dating for two years before I tried again. I figured things had to have changed in my head after all that time. In that time, I rekindled my friendship with Sylvan, who felt I had abandoned him. In a way, he was right. Marshall and I reached an understanding, and I learned what it meant to love unconditionally. I was maturing, and getting better at being able to put my feelings aside for the sake of friendship.

"I'm in a cycle, don't mean we ain't true, just cause I talk about the things I've done before you"

I put myself out there and met someone tenderhearted and understanding. Marcus was really into books like I was (albeit he finished them, while I collected them). He was physically affectionate and I let him come over after the first date. I was determined to give this a fair shot. Conversation topics about societal issues, identities, and intersectionality were abundant. They were flowing almost seamlessly. But I wasn't feeling anything.

"I'm in a cycle, swear this is different, don't wanna end it, if you leave, then I keep spinning"

I swear I was trying my hardest on the second date for any reason to keep this going. I asked myself, what is the matter with me? I stayed over at his place this time, analyzing his room. As someone who studied psychology, I can't help it. There was this valiant innocence about him. Courageous to stand up against injustice, and innocent enough to wear his heart on his sleeve. And all I could think about that night we laid in bed was how my arm kept falling asleep. I internally concluded that he deserved someone better than me. I called him days later and told him we were better off as friends. We don't talk much, but I see him at an occasional poetry slam every now and again.

"Guess I'm romantic in a way"

I haven't dated anyone since then. And that was about two or three years ago. I've learned over time that when I catch feelings, I don't hesitate to call it love. I would give and give, but always carry an unspoken expectation for something in return. Anything to make me feel less lonely. I thought it was cute to be this way because it also made me forget about the things I didn't like about myself, like my weight.

"Why don't you catch me when I sway?"

Anytime that one of my romantic interests did something that reminded me things wouldn't work, I'd lash back at them. Why would you make me feel like I wasn't worth something? After all that I had done for you? Do you know how much it hurts me to face my own demons alone? I need you.

"Cause when my heart falls out of place"

And the men who actually liked me back just made it feel like it was too easy. I wanted to fight for it. The trials and tribulations, I thought, were absolutely necessary. Such things would make the victory much more savory. Maybe that's why I set my sights on straight men.

"I know, ho, ho, ho"

Then, I realized.

"I'm in a cycle, yeah I admit it, how can I change it when I don't know when I'm in it?"

For years, I had gone from person to person just so that I could take my mind off of how much I didn't like myself because of my weight. It would be a vicious cycle of self-ignorance, self-neglect, and waning self-awareness. I would do everything in my power not to think about it. But any moment where romantically pursuing a heterosexual male grew stressful (which is practically always), I would spiral out of control. That meant unconsciously eating unhealthy food, binging on video games, and terrible sleep.

"I'm in a cycle, swear this is different, don't wanna end it, if you leave, then I keep spinning"

This would perpetuate my concerns about my weight. And yet, every time there was a new romantic interest—no matter who it was—I would promise myself things would turn out differently. But it always came out the same.

"I'm in a cycle, don't mean we ain't true, just cause I talk about the things I've done before you"

These days, I've reflected on all the things I could have done differently. I could've asked Lionel if he needed lunch money, instead of constantly leaving it for him. I could've stopped pursuing Marshall the moment he mentioned he was straight. I could've asked Sylvan if he was into men. Maven and Marcus deserved someone more forthcoming. Dorian, Archie, and Nate didn't have to have their time wasted. Some mistakes are irrevocable.

"I'm in a cycle, swear this is different, don't wanna end it, if you leave, then I keep spinning"

Others can be fixed. Marshall, even after all that happened, is one of my dearest friends to this day. He showed me what it means to love unconditionally, and because of him, I know how. We forgave each other.

I apologized to Sylvan for abandoning him, and while the scars of our friendship may never fade, today he's one of my best friends who inspired me to take better care of my health. I'm not there (yet), but I'm getting pretty close to lifting as much as he can. I've lost a lot of weight, too.

As time went on, I got better at befriending people who are gay. I don't have this wild tension in my head of wanting to push them away if they like me, or doing things for attention that I would regret later.

Cycles can be broken; you might just have to keep spinning before you do.