You know those stories of crazy relationships you hear about in the news? Well, I lived one. I was with my ex Ray for 6 and a half years before we broke up. We had a rocky relationship it was up and down if I ever saw one. I was the stupid one. I was so love struck and couldn’t get out of that mindset.
The first year was okay. We had our normal arguments like every couple. Then the cheating started. Six months in I found out he cheated in the beginning of our relationship. I forgave him and let it go. It happened again and again, I was wondering while I still stayed. First break up in the second year. 2 weeks later we were back together. More in love then anyone I knew. 3 years in and he asked me to marry him. I said yes. We had a date. It came and went and no marriage. He pushed it back. 4 years happen and I found out he cheated again—while I took his brother to the park. We broke up.
Next thing you know, we were back together. Then one day while we were living together I went to get my hair done. He left me with no key to get in the house. He went to see his ex. We got into an argument about that. He choked me out of anger. I almost died that day. I still stayed. I don’t know why. I get asked that all the time. My answer was because I loved him. This is the crazy part. 5 years into our relationship he cheated again and got another girl pregnant. Why did I stay? I really don’t know. He was still sending pictures to other girls. Still talking to his exes, telling them he loved them. I don’t even know why I was with him at this point. I guess it was comfort. The last year came. Year 6, we were supposed to get married. We had been planning this for a year. 7 months before the wedding he told me he wasn’t ready to be married. I already wasn’t being appreciated in this whole relationship. Now he hit me with that. I was not having it. So, I broke up with him.
For 2 weeks he kept calling me, begging me to come back. I kept telling him no. I was truly done. I was already in a new relationship. He knew this and still wouldn’t leave me alone. I blocked his number, his text messages and blocked him on all social media. He called my brother since he couldn’t reach me. Are you ready for the crazy part? So, I get a text message from a random number. Telling me that it was ex from my past. I was weary about this. But, I still entertained it. I did my research I searched the phone number it was a land line. Which means he was using a text app. I went on to this ex’s social media and found out he was married with children. So, armed with all this information I texted the number back. I told the person I didn’t believe that it was the ex from my past. Let’s call the ex, Steve. Well the person kept insisting that he was Steve. I used the information against them. Then the person knew they were caught in a lie. The story changed again. They said they had a woman. I told them no you have a wife that’s completely different than a woman. The story changed again. Come to find out it was my ex Ray. Since I wouldn’t text him any other way he brought it upon himself to impersonate someone else to get me to talk to him. I was upset but I am now cautious of new numbers that I don’t know.
About the Creator
Danyelle Lewinson
A little about me..I am a writer, a poet and a person that loves good music. I am still working on my first book as well
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Defiled
Waking up in the middle of the night. Every day I feel this fright. The nightmare I relive each night. Once was enough seeing his face. I feel distrust. Betrayal of the family I once knew. Nightmare every night I fear. Afraid to wake up the people that sleep beside me with my screams. All I see is the anxiety I feel. The air in my body tenses. I can't breathe. I take the pill that releases the fear. His smile haunts me. His touch makes me feel him. I can't be around him. My nightmare has been relived. Through everything in my body, I release the pressure of my nightmare. I relive this almost every night. This was the onset of my depression. I worked through this but I still feel as if it was my fault. I feel as I let it happen. I trusted him. He was family and he defiled my innocence. I covered my body, withdrew from everything I loved. I even self-medicated for the longest time. I tried to take my own life. I thought cutting myself would make everything better. It really didn’t, it just made things worse. I can’t even see his face anymore. I still think about it occasionally. I was only a teenager when it happened. I deal with not trusting men. I won’t even trust my own family. It hurts to speak about it. Hurts to think about it, but I had to move on. I had to let go. I had to make sure that I forgave them. That was the hardest part. It took me five years to forgive him. I can’t let what happened continue to ruin my life. It took me almost ten years to learn to love myself again. It took even longer for me to learn to love again. I am now in a very loving relationship. So, as I look back on it I asked myself questions. Why as survivors can we not talk about being raped. Years go by and a woman still won’t speak of it. They go unreported. They fear the attackers. Living in fear of it happening again, protecting the heart. The hardest part people don’t realize about a survivor is the ability to learn to trust again. Once we learn to trust again, we put all trust in that person. Losing trust takes years to gain back. Another hard thing a survivor must do is learn how to love. It may be of the most dangerous thing we do as survivors. We tread super lightly. It will always take more time but we can love. No matter how much therapy we get we will never be fixed. We can talk until we feel everything is better, but in the back of our mind it’s always there. It always haunts us. Keeps us from loving fully. Our hearts stay protected. There are walls put up. Guards put into place to make sure we never get hurt again. So, asking a survivor to put trust in you or to love you is a tough task. We hide our feelings, and make sure everyone thinks we are okay. But in all reality on the inside we are crumbling, screaming, or just wanting to be held. It takes time, patience, and the ability to want to help. Survivors still need a support system. I do want to tell any survivors of rape that it was not your fault. Things will get a lot better. Nothing will begin to feel the same until you forgive the person who defiled you. You are wanted.
By Danyelle Lewinson7 years ago in Humans
Good Grief: A “How-To” in Arranging (or Attending) Memorials
By Tomás G Robinson Recently a friend of mine, who is enjoying his retirement, has had to deal with something he didn’t even think about when he was working. The thought that he’d spend his days golfing or relaxing by a pool was a great goal mark he’d set for himself to help him through the workweek, but, the reality is that once you’ve retired you’re going to spend most of the time with a few friends who live near you, and the most you’ll do is usually meet for breakfast or lunch, and not much else.
By Thomas G Robinson7 days ago in Humans
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