Suddenly Single (Pt. 2)

After reading the letter I thought that Hoon was just scared. His deportation case wasn’t looking good at all, and his ability to find good employment while being labeled an ‘illegal alien’ was getting more and more impossible. Hoon’s always taken it upon himself to take care of me in every way. I know the pain of not being able to live up to his own expectations must have influenced his decision quite a bit.

And so I held out hope that he would come back to me; although, I knew his pride wouldn’t allow him to ever see me again.

I was devastated! I still am... but, of course I am. It’s still only been a couple of months.

Continuing on without him has proven to be even harder than my adjustment to life without my first husband. I raised three beautiful kiddos, and pretty much grew up with Ron. Walking away from our 17 year marriage was excruciating; especially since it came with the horrible consequence of the pain it caused my children.

So why is this adjustment so much harder?

Maybe it’s not harder; maybe it’s just so massively different. Maybe it’s just so fresh that it feels worse. My first marriage ended in August of 2012. Time has softened the painful memories.

Anyway, here I am now in complete limbo. But I’m growing stronger each day, as I relentlessly return to allowing my pain to be felt. The past week I’ve been backsliding a bit, but that’s to be expected. I’m enormously proud of this girl I am. She’s strong and beautiful inside and out! She Can Do This!

Who am I to say this? I’m a girl made up of unique circumstances like all of us are. I’ve chosen again and again to shake off the fear of my ego, so I can gaze into the face of love. I’m a girl who’s made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people, but has decided that no experience or action is wrong or wasted. Every action simply brings me an equal and opposite reaction. Each action leaves me to experience the reactions I have created.

But I digress. Life now is suddenly completely different. Before I was a front desk agent contemplating pursuing climbing the ladder at Comfort Inn. I also, had books to write, and the dream of becoming a motivational speaker. Now I’m fragile and unstable, so that working feels impossible. But I’m also feeling stronger in that I’m able to release expectations of the future. I’m able to let go of the idea that I’m here to take care of anyone, including myself. I release that responsibility to God.

I’m proud of me and I feel confident that even if I ended up on the street, I would wander from homeless friend to homeless friend finding human connection, joy, and still I would continue to shake off my ego's fear and return my gaze to LOVE.

Because isn’t love the point of all of this? Circumstances do not change my goal of looking to love no matter what. Circumstances just test it. Circumstances give me a chance to show myself that, no matter how awful things seem, Love is always able to carry me through.

The day before I realized Hoon was gone, I recorded a Snapchat and saved it to my story. I was sharing my favorite prayer:

Love

I have more than enough today

May I follow Love today

May I enjoy all Love has given me today

May I see the best in others Always

That day, Monday July 1, 2019, I restated my commitment to always follow Love no matter where Love leads me.

I do not take that statement back. I don’t know where this road leads, but I am determined to let Love flow through me in whatever way it wants.