Stop Leading People on!

Dating in 2019 doesn't seem fun. A consistent theme I see is people being lead on. They're given expectations that don't match their dates' intentions, which I find extremely unnecessary. When you meet someone, make it clear to them why you're dating. If you're not after a relationship, let them know instead of pretending that you are. You're not responsible for someone else's happiness, but you're responsible for how your actions are making someone feel. The least you can do is to be honest.

Don't start something new with someone if you don't mean it. If you're not ready to date, if you're not done with your previous relations, if you're not over your ex, if you're not happy with yourself... you're probably not in the right place to start seeing someone. If you aren't, please don't start something. That's just going to create expectations that you can't deliver on. Result? Someone gets hurt.

I know, of course, that it's hard to know what the right time for a relationship is. The first guy I dated in this country asked me to be his girlfriend about three weeks after we first met in person. He said he wanted to make sure he wasn't letting me slip through his fingers. I went all-in for this relationship, I spent lots of time and money traveling to him (he lived outside of London), and I got him a bunch of thoughtful birthday presents. It was fun and seemed to be going well, then after two months he came to my house and unexpectedly dumped me, because he didn't have time for a relationship. I remember calling one of my friends in tears, all sad and confused. Obviously it was a brief romance and not a deep emotional investment, and I got over it rather quickly, but it felt a bit like a wasted hurt. I was left thinking "why even try if you're gonna give up that fast?" It doesn't make sense to me to initiate a relationship without thinking about the time ahead at all.

Of course, life happens, and you can't always foresee what's going to happen and what your schedule will look like. Our generation's also riddled with trust and commitment issues, which doesn't help. I'm not saying that you should beat yourself up if you go into a relationship and then realise you don't have mutual feelings for each other, or you have other differences that won't work. It happens. Nothing is wrong with making the best decision for you both, but the best thing would be to not end up in that situation in the first place. Trying to hurt fewer people should be an aim for all of us.

If you have other things that should take your priority, focus on that. No one should ever come before your own happiness and wellbeing, you have to do what's right for you. But you need to let them know. Don't mess around, leaving them without answers. If you know you've started something you can't continue, the sooner you end it the better. The longer you keep them around, the longer they will hold on to their false hopes and expectations.

I'm quite short on patience when it comes to people being inconsiderate to others. If you string someone along because you don't want to have to give them bad news or hurt their feelings, you need to grow up. Be strong enough to break things off. In the words of Dolly Parton, if you want the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain. Dating comes with both pros and cons, and you need to accept them both.