SPACE

May 29th, 2022 11:30:20AM

There is so much I want to say but I don't have access to you right now.

I am strong but if I let you in, will you actually understand me or will I ruin the person you thought I was before.

Time will tell...

(and it did)

Because I was ready to let you in.

You are lightening in my dark sky

You tremble my world as you walk by

You make my heart stop in its little black tracks

and for once in its life bleed red

You stop me in my agony

A feeling I never want to forget

Or live without

How do you do this?

Am I too much for you?

In all of your mess

In all of your beauty

You're so damn beautiful

But if I fall, will you catch me?

The question everyone always wants to know

But really...

Will you catch me?

Or will I be too much for you?

We have plans but they are foggy right now

Hidden in getting to know you.

Your ticks

Your pet peeves

Who you are when you're alone

What are your expectations when all of these scenarios occur?

Teach me how to love

Teach me how to love you

Rip me open and cut off the strings that I no longer need

Insecurity

Dominance

Strength beyond my belief

Walls

Neglect

Agony

So much sadness

I want you here

To bear witness to the fruit I am commanding to grow in my garden of wisdom

But you're the only one I want to see my thought travel throughout my body and out through my thumbs who can barely keep track of what is happening while my mind and eyes dart in frenzy and fright as we all try to keep up with what my mind is telling my heart

and my heart wants to explode

and my mind wants to run to you

and my body wants to feel your touch

and my heart wants to hug your heart

and I just want what I can't have.

I want something with someone I cannot have.

Are you even mine to have or do you belong to someone else?

We travel the world looking for love whether we want to admit it or not.

We fill our days reading about it.

Becoming healthy for it.

Daring each other to do things because of it.

Jumping into battles and gaining all of our scars just to have it, to bear it, to acknowledge it.

Only to find ourselves in a frenzy for it,

Because of it.

You are my frenzy.

You are the person I want to find balance with.

Dance around the kitchen with.

Run barefoot in the grass with.

Learn to love with.

These words are spoken true.

Whether you want me or not,

this is my heart.

The black heart in my chest that has never loved anyone truly before speaks these words true for you

To you

Because of you.

You break me into pieces every time and I put myself back together in wisdom, love, and light.

It would be easy to walk away but the lessons you're teaching me I hope to stay.

I want to sit in your class and tell you all about my doubts and worries,

But will you go astray?

If I let you in...

Truly let you in...

There is a lot of hurt in here.

A lot of balance but imbalance as I search these new realms that have never been searched before.

If I open up to you in phone calls and tell you of my agony

of my successes in battle

of the wounds I have open in a matter of seconds

of this frenzy and chase occurring in my mind

will you still love me?

Or will you want the girl you thought I was from across the room?

The smiley, happy go lucky girl with no cares in the world.

The girl who is sunshine.

In the sunshine state.

Who drinks smoothies and everybody loves.

Who cares about her children and everyone around her.

Will you want that girl back?

The thoughts you had of her in your head...

Do I live up tot them?

Or am I not what you expected?

What you wanted?

I am that girl,

but I am also this girl:

The girl who calls.

The girl who waits.

The girl who is loyal beyond mistakes.

The girl who chooses hurt and love over love and hurt.

The girl who becomes equipped but let's them down from time to time because I am exhausted.

The girl who wants you to see her,

but doesn't think you're ready.

The girl that simply just wants to be loved and cared for.

In all ways...

Looks like the independent queen is tired of her own independence.