Soon To Be...

Dear Love of my life,

I think it’s quite hilarious that I spent my whole childhood being warned against people like you only to end up right in your arms as an adult. I was exposed to pictures and films at countless school assemblies filling my head with the unlimited possibilities of being associated with you and your kind. You’re supposed to be dangerous and turn my life upside down as my teeth fall out, I lose my home, and my job, and am forever destined to be a loser begging for change on the street. God, save me! Sold, you say? I was scared straight as an impressionable boy. I didn’t drink, smoke, or try anything throughout my Elementary, Middle, and High school years. I didn’t even date, have sex, or go to parties, nor did I get into any police trouble. Trust me, where I come from, that’s gold! Though I did endure many hardships like death, abuse, homelessness, and puberty, I channeled all of those feelings of anguish and uncertainty into my dancing. Once again, I was impressionable, excited, and so focused on my new calling that I put it above my grades. I was assured a guaranteed career as I earned a reputation for winning awards and training under and performing with some big names in the career… Then you happened!

Remember Tiffany’s furniture party back in County College? That’s still a very clever name for a party in an apartment with no furniture. That was the first time we met, officially. I remember Steven, Tiffany, and Brian reminiscing about their experiences with you and how much fun you were just weeks before the party and they had already promised to hook us up that night so it came as no surprise when you finally showed up. You came on kinda strong, as expected. Once the ice was broken, though, we got along just fine. A lot better than I anticipated. Remember the pan of hot wings we sat on the kitchen floor and devoured?! They really had no business being that good! LOL We laughed, told jokes, played games, and broke dawn as you continued to show me exactly how harmless you were. DARE who? Though a great time was had, I didn’t think you had any major impressions on me. Except I completely underestimated your bandwidth of popularity as you showed me how much influence you truly had over many of them. I still remember the rush of excitement I’d feel surge through my body whenever someone would say your name; not to mention, the random nights of bonfires, cookouts, pool parties, or just simple hangouts where you would pop up and whatever fun was being had would go from mundane to almost euphoric.

As an acquaintance, you were just a passing smile on a random day. It wasn’t until I transferred to Rutgers that our bond began to deepen as I made you a major part of my collegiate experience. My mental health was taking a subtle, but certain decline and you didn’t just show up this time. You were already there! From insomnia to parties and hookups, almost every moment with you seemed like a scene out of a college rom-com. I tried not to fall too hard, too fast but you know, gravity works when you have no wings! Before I knew it, I had fallen in love! I defended you. I made excuses for you. I confided in you. I’d get jealous when people enjoy your company without me. When you were gone, I searched far and wide until I found you, and only then would I find joy in my existence again. You were the love of my life… And then I met someone else.

That’s not exactly true. He’s always been a part of my life, it’s just taken me a long time to figure out how and why. Much like yours, His name has also been an undeniable echo in my life. Remember those hardships I channeled into my dancing? He has been instrumental in all those moments. He was the one who showed me how to benefit from those hard times when it came to having those collegiate experiences. He helped me see how powerful I truly could be when he put me on the stage and inspired me to aspire to my greatest potential. A potential that would soon enough become a testimony to His faithfulness and loyalty over my life. Before all of this, He was just another name in the room. But one night after college graduation, He became so much more than a name and a story. Jesus became my savior and king and you’ve been the enemy ever since.

I, now, understand the “unlimited possibilities of being associated with you and your kind.” I want to quit you but I don’t know how. Hence, why I’ve been so bipolar when it comes to your place in my life. Rather than making excuses for why you’re harmless, I found myself making excuses to justify why I couldn’t give you up. So I didn’t. I just kept entertaining you and telling myself that this was a healthy and happy relationship. As long as I am not hurting anybody, I’m good. But that’s just it! No picture, film, or school assembly can accurately capture the effects of the spell you have over me and that would be what makes Jesus so great! As if falling for Him wasn’t reason enough for leaving you, He showed me the role your tribe played in my parent's life and how it contributed to their death. You, alone, may not have the capacity to kill me but you are where dreams go to die! That was when I began to truly question this “relationship”. Are you a habit or an addiction? If you’re a habit then all I gotta do is quit my bitchin’ and control myself. But if you’re an addiction, then this is deeper and much darker than I thought. My connection to you is deep-seated trauma and you continue to prey on that. You downplay the existence of my emotions while Jesus encourages me to explore them and that terrifies you. Which leads me to believe that you know how powerful I am, as well. While everyone else continues to sing your praises and believe that you’re doing good in the world, I can now see the beast within your sweet lies. And though I may be losing this battle now, understand this. The next time you taste my lips, feel the warmth of my insides, and say my name in that way, do it like it is the last time you will ever have me cause the wheels on this bus are almost gone, and when they are, so will I… forever.

Sincere and Freely,

Your Soon-To-Be Ex