Song of the Heart
Is writing for the man of his dreams pointless?
Why did Roman think this was a good idea? "Write songs for Thomas." He said. "What's the worse that could happen?" He said. Here's the thing, Roman and Thomas agreed on the idea that Thomas should post another video of himself singing and Patton (bless his caring heart) thought it would be a good idea to give Joan a break from the hard work that came with writing songs. Since nobody could come to an agreement on what Thomas should sing, Roman suggested we each write a song and see which one suits Thomas the most.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't have experience with writing, even if I cringe at my past contributions. At any other point in time, I would act like I didn't care and express my excitement behind closed doors. However, I have tried writing various attempts which resulted in chest aches, tears on the now-crumpled pages, and ink wasted on writing about the guy I can't stand being without.
I know Logan only tolerates me because I'm necessary in Thomas's lifestyle, I know he would ignore me during the rare opportunity where I'm bold enough to ask him to do an activity with me but will likely do the same activity with Patton in a heartbeat, and I know I've waited too long for a good opportunity to confide in him that he started hanging out with Patton more and more, but no one else seems to catch my attention like he does.
I look at my garbage can and see it overflowing with pages of the same damn song. Forget writing for Thomas. Patton and Roman can take care of that without a problem. All I want to do is drag Logan to a safer room, summon a ukulele in my hand, change the ceiling so it looks like we're under the Leonids, and play the song for him as if I wasn't the embodiment of anxiety. You know what? It wouldn't really matter if we're under the Leonids or Orion's Belt. All I would need is to play the song for Logan.
However, the buzzing of my phone would pull me out of my daydream and remind me that Patton is more worthy of Logan's time. I felt tears coming down my face and grabbed at my eyes, as if to shame them, before dragging my sharp nails down (hey, I'm tired of Roman calling me Kitty Softpaws) leaving behind a trail of eyeshadow and shallow scratches. I felt exhausted, so I ended up mumbling the song to myself before I slept
I told Patton that I didn't think I could come up with a song. Luckily for me, he didn't push me into it and just let me in his room to ramble while he finished up his "pro-animal rights" song that he suggested Talyn would sing with Thomas.
Ever since Thomas suggested I give Patton the benefit of the doubt, a little more often than I did before, I found myself understanding his enthusiasm a little more each day and even trusted him enough to take me seriously whenever I say what is on my mind. Case in point, the knowledge that had been seeing Virgil in a more positive light in contrast to the others.
"You haven't told Virgil about your, um, 'discovery' yet, have you?" He asked me.
"Oh, no. I mean, I don't know about the walls, but I know for certain Thomas and Roman have ears. Other than that, I think we've been too busy with work to have an alternate reason to be alone together," I retorted.
Patton turned around in his chair and rolled it closer to me. He looked a bit uncomfortable for a few seconds before asking "Logan, do you remember when you agreed to watch a movie with me the other day?"
"Oh, yeah. I was busy looking up an eggplant brownie recipe for Thomas and you called my name after I texted it to him. Why?"
"Well, um, I'd hate to say it, but you kinda missed a chance to watch a movie with Virgil that day." He seemed to flinch after saying that.
"Wait, what? Why did you wait until now to tell me?" I asked, a little agitated, but I didn't know at whom.
"Well, at the time, I enjoyed us getting along, but in hindsight, I remembered he looked terrified when he tried asking you since he still has and is anxiety. Also, I can't help but notice heartbreak from somewhere here."
All I did was stand up and power walk to Virgil's room. I knocked a few times softly to avoid frightening him before I eventually walked in. I saw that Virgil was sleeping while using a notebook as a pillow. I also noticed a bunch papers in his trash can and thought that he was just his harshest critic when it came to this activity. I smoothed out one of the pages in the trash and began reading what he came up with.
As I was reading, I took note of the intertwining of interests possessed by himself and, out of all people, me. It was almost as if he had somehow removed his fears and performed feelings directed to me that I initially thought only existed in my dreams. I found myself wishing that I knew of these feelings he held for me sooner, but remembered that I had been too busy trying to bond with Patton more and hadn't realized that those instances might've caused him to jump to conclusions.
"Why must I be a teacher who knows so little?" I muttered.
I woke up after who-knows-how-long and heard a familiar voice say what sounded like, "Why must I be a teacher who knows so little?" Immediately, I recognized it as Logan? Why wasn't he with Patton? And why was he in my room when he knows the consequences for being exposed to too much anxiety? I immediately got up and dragged Logan to the living room before sitting both of us on the couch.
I took a good look at him and noticed that he didn't have black eyeshadow, but he had some tears coming down his face. I wiped them away before I noticed he was holding a piece of paper that I immediately recognized as previously crumpled up.
"Let me guess. You're emotionally conflicted because you don't want to leave Patton?" I asked while trying to sound like I didn't care.
I noticed something on his face that I couldn't really pinpoint on someone like him.
"If I may explain," I heard him start, "Thomas suggested I tried getting along with Patton more. I started to understand him more as time passed and continued to spend time with him in a platonic manner. If I had known sooner that the more-than-platonic feelings I have for you were mutual, I would've been more cautious to not give you the opportunity to jump to a conclusion."
I lifted my head immediately as he mentioned feelings for me that were "more-than-platonic" and was surprised to see that he was actually genuine. I thought to myself that I wish I hadn't been quick to jump to conclusions, otherwise Logan wouldn't feel so bad.
I sighed before grabbing his free hand with both of my hands. I had no idea what to do next. Logan still looked down and I still felt bad. Without thinking, I proceeded to sing my song to Logan and I think I saw a smile slowly growing as I continued.
"Would you like to go on a romantic outing tomorrow, by any chance? Nothing too extravagant," Logan asked a few seconds after I finished singing.
"Wait, what about the songs?" I asked.
"If Patton can understand, surely Roman will, too. To be fair, I couldn't write a song for Thomas to sing, either."