Someone Else, but You
And you will see me happy with someone who is not you.
Life was good when I first met you. To put things into simple terms, things were too good to be true. You showed no warning signs and I thought you were a gift sent from God. I was struggling from depression and thought that I finally got what I deserved, but little did I know, I would actually get what you thought I deserved. After things were perfect for several weeks’ things ended abruptly and I was back into my deep darkness. I knew that I couldn’t rely on people for happiness, but promises you made to me made me feel like you would always be there. No warning but blind-sided and you were gone. The perfect angel that I considered you to be was an image that I created to try and make my life better. You made me feel like this horrible disorder I struggled with could be cured by love and that pills would no longer be an option. However, you came into my life and left with an outcome that was completely different than that. Instead of getting rid of my pills, I had to take higher dosages to erase the life you made me believe in. I respected you through all of it, but never quite understood; if something was perfect, how could you let it go? Without a fight, you were destined to leave my life. Music that used to be comforting is now triggering. You left with no blood on your hands while I thought of harming myself and blood dripping on mine. You are a liar and a fake and I was blinded by “love” to see that you were mysterious and would eventually hurt me. Nevertheless, that did not stop me as I would continue to want you back into my life. I thought that if I could just get you in my bed one more time I could win you back. How could you blame me for being addicted to toxicity when I believed in something completely opposite and fell hard with your lethal love. You had time to be my "friends with benefits," but never had time for an actual relationship. More lies and I still wanted to believe that you were a picture-perfect person. Until, I moved away, and I did not want you to visit because I was not in the right mental state. You did not care and sent a message portraying who you truly were. You finally made me realize that you were self-absorbed and truly evil. You made it clear that you never wanted to speak to me and all because of my depression. A disorder that does not define me, but causes me to have temporary sadness at times, but you could not love me despite those flaws because those flaws were not visible, but in my mind. That night I received those messages I wanted to die, but I realized that you were nothing to me. You caused more harm than happiness and I do not need someone in my life to contribute to my depression rather than help eliminate it. I wish I knew it sooner and truthfully wish I never met you. I wish I never met you because, despite your horrible nature, I cannot stop loving you. Was I insane for loving someone so heartless? I still don’t know the answer as your words of hatred play in my head. Words are not worth much unless they are coming from someone worth something to you. Unfortunately, you were worth a lot in my mind and I let your words affect me more than they should have. You told me not to respond and I could have told you off and made you feel as crappy as you made me feel, but you are not worth my time or energy. I say that, but it’s still hard for me to believe. Maybe I don’t want to hurt you because I have hope that you will come back. But come back and do what? You are so confident in who you are that there is no change in your heart or mind. I truthfully hope you get everything you want in life. No matter how much I can say I hate you, I do not want to do to you, what you did to me. I sit here sad and wondering why me, but I know that someday my reward will come, and you will see me happy with someone who is not you.