One sided love always seemed to be my thing
Life was good when I first met you. To put things into simple terms, things were too good to be true. You showed no warning signs and I thought you were a gift sent from God. I was struggling from depression and thought that I finally got what I deserved, but little did I know, I would actually get what you thought I deserved. After things were perfect for several weeks’ things ended abruptly and I was back into my deep darkness. I knew that I couldn’t rely on people for happiness, but promises you made to me made me feel like you would always be there. No warning but blind-sided and you were gone. The perfect angel that I considered you to be was an image that I created to try and make my life better. You made me feel like this horrible disorder I struggled with could be cured by love and that pills would no longer be an option. However, you came into my life and left with an outcome that was completely different than that. Instead of getting rid of my pills, I had to take higher dosages to erase the life you made me believe in. I respected you through all of it, but never quite understood; if something was perfect, how could you let it go? Without a fight, you were destined to leave my life. Music that used to be comforting is now triggering. You left with no blood on your hands while I thought of harming myself and blood dripping on mine. You are a liar and a fake and I was blinded by “love” to see that you were mysterious and would eventually hurt me. Nevertheless, that did not stop me as I would continue to want you back into my life. I thought that if I could just get you in my bed one more time I could win you back. How could you blame me for being addicted to toxicity when I believed in something completely opposite and fell hard with your lethal love. You had time to be my "friends with benefits," but never had time for an actual relationship. More lies and I still wanted to believe that you were a picture-perfect person. Until, I moved away, and I did not want you to visit because I was not in the right mental state. You did not care and sent a message portraying who you truly were. You finally made me realize that you were self-absorbed and truly evil. You made it clear that you never wanted to speak to me and all because of my depression. A disorder that does not define me, but causes me to have temporary sadness at times, but you could not love me despite those flaws because those flaws were not visible, but in my mind. That night I received those messages I wanted to die, but I realized that you were nothing to me. You caused more harm than happiness and I do not need someone in my life to contribute to my depression rather than help eliminate it. I wish I knew it sooner and truthfully wish I never met you. I wish I never met you because, despite your horrible nature, I cannot stop loving you. Was I insane for loving someone so heartless? I still don’t know the answer as your words of hatred play in my head. Words are not worth much unless they are coming from someone worth something to you. Unfortunately, you were worth a lot in my mind and I let your words affect me more than they should have. You told me not to respond and I could have told you off and made you feel as crappy as you made me feel, but you are not worth my time or energy. I say that, but it’s still hard for me to believe. Maybe I don’t want to hurt you because I have hope that you will come back. But come back and do what? You are so confident in who you are that there is no change in your heart or mind. I truthfully hope you get everything you want in life. No matter how much I can say I hate you, I do not want to do to you, what you did to me. I sit here sad and wondering why me, but I know that someday my reward will come, and you will see me happy with someone who is not you.
I was sitting at Starbucks when a sexy man in a business suit came in. He ordered his coffee and then he saw me. We made instant eye contact and he took a seat in front of me. I continued reading my book, until I felt a hand on my thigh. I did not know this guy, but his touch was electric. He moved his hand up and was now under my skirt. He kept going higher until he reached my sweet spot. From there, I knew I had to have him.
I laid there in bed waiting for him to come home. My hair wild with curls and makeup minimal. I was wearing my new red lace lingerie set. The top was a lace red bra and it came with a red lace thong. I had my black high heels and to top it off, a silk robe. He was coming from work and I decided that I wanted to surprise him.
The first day we met you said, you will never fall in love.
It’s hard to accept that the person you are with now had a life before you. Loving someone and being loved is a different feeling far beyond what words can explain. However, loving someone means loving every part of them. It seems simple, but is harder than it seems because we are exposed to things that we never thought would cross the path of the relationship. Pasts are supposed to be left behind, but is it really left behind? The mind is powerful as we constantly wonder if they think about their exes and how we can be better. We often forget that they were not born yesterday and they experienced life before meeting us. This means that they could have loved someone else before. Does this make the love they have for us less meaningful? A question we cannot answer because we are consumed with thoughts of their past, that we cannot allow ourselves to move on. Insecurities creep in and we wonder if we are good enough. Pasts are haunting, but should we allow them to be the determinates of our relationships? Trust is hard to give and when earned people can choose to follow it or ignore the power behind the word. It’s not fair to ourselves if we hold on to trust because we are afraid it will be taken for granted. Instead, we should give trust because in life we have to take risks and learn from experiences. Along with love comes fear. Fear of losing individuality, hurting someone, and heartbreak. If we are confident in the relationships we get into, why are we negative from the start about the unknown? If we question the person we love, is it love? With love comes stress because we want to know if the person we love is as loyal to us as we are to them. The issues we encounter are preventable with communication, trust, and passion. Every relationship is different, but the basis of successful relationships is all universal. Love can drive people crazy because we do not know how to incorporate the basic means of a relationship. How do we forget about the exes and not compare? It’s hard not to let your mind wander and wonder why that person is not here. However, that should be our answer. Exes are not in that person’s life for a reason. We are in the relationship because we have something to offer that others did not. The one we love will not be able to forget about their exes if we are constantly insecure about them. Maybe we inflict pain upon ourselves as we are the ones obsessed with their past. To alleviate the stress and worry, we have to allow the past to stay in the past and focus on the present. The past is not only the problem, but the thought about the future can cause problems. Why worry about what did not happen yet? We cannot assume the person we love will change or stay the same. The future is unpredictable and if we try to control it, it could lead to a different outcome than expected. Love is best when it is present. Enjoying the moments and the time we have together because it will not have thoughts of the past lingering. It also won’t have the anxiety of the future intruding on our happiness. Love is not something we can control, but we can do certain things for ourselves to feel confident and to try to be the best significant other. The goal, in the end, is to spread positivity towards the relationship and hopefully it will radiate and the feelings will be reciprocated.