So Close

It hurts. It still hurts every day. A memory pops into my head and sometimes I will smile, sometimes I will be sad, sometimes I just cry, but all those times I hurt. I hurt because I do not understand how it is a memory that holds no meaning anymore. How you and I are nothing anymore. It hurts as it feels like just yesterday we were cooking, walking, laughing, talking. I think of things you said to me, the way you talked to me. I think of the way you looked at me, the way we looked at each other. I think of the questions you asked me, the answers you gave me. I think of the way you told me we were forever. I think of the ways you told me we could always communicate. I think of the words you said saying that we can get through anything. All I can do is think of the way you communicated and acted and shared because I can not know the way you felt. I can only know the way I felt and the way I feel.

Memories, they can hit me so hard. For some reason in the shower tonight I thought of you. First of a thing you did in my shower that you will deny and would not want me mentioning and then of me trying to bath you when you sick and then of me showering with you and the conversations and then of the pool with me and you – it all just floods in and I cry. I am going through more pictures as trying to get phone cleared and fixed and I have a very early text in which you told me my voice was sensual and sexy and that you wish you could watch a movie but you had to study. This was just before the accident. So sweet. And then you told me you were thinking about getting a white board for your home. And I asked “Can I draw u sex positions?” You just laughed and said “There is my %%%, back to talking sexy stuff.” We had had our first mini argument as you were against our intimacy we were having so I tried to be a stone and not sexual at all (not myself). I would kill to be ‘any %%%’ to you now. So sad. So frustrating. So painful. And then there was a text early on when you randomly texted me “I am thinking what it would be like to take you to Montreal with me. Since both of us have never visited before.” I would have loved to go anywhere with you. I cannot believe we barely got to go anywhere together. Technically only to Niagara Falls as only alone trip and well you didn’t enjoy it. I enjoyed being with you though. And that facebook post that you said you wanted to enjoy a weekend trip, pain free, with me. That melted my heart. Awe, then there was this cute couple and I told you I will take the blonde (woman) and you can have the man. And you just said “I will just have you.” You, at one point, did love me? And I ruined it. I ruined my life. I ruin everything. And I am supposed to forgive myself? That is what ‘the world’ says is I need to do - forgive myself. Never. Might as well have murdered someone as that is the punishment of the world for guilt that I have when I think of what I lost in you.

I understand the way I acted did not always show my best intentions. I was learning. I am still learning. You taught me so much. I know you did not want to be my teacher, but any great relationship, any love relationship has such a great learning curvature about it. I always have and always do promise one thing, I love you more than anyone can understand. I have told you that this love is the only undoubted feeling or truth I have ever felt. Even after 6 months of hurt, I still love you. I love you more than you deserve. And the hard truth is I do not know if this makes me strong or weak. To love someone, still, after they have broken my heart more than anyone could. To love someone still, after they have called me many names and after they see and report only negative things about my personality, my life, my friends, my family, my feelings, and my love. To want someone after they told me lies after lies. To want someone after they abandoned me; the one thing they promised they would never do.

I guess it is true that real love doesn’t die. So, even though it is one way, even though it was my haven, even though it was my forever, I have to live with the fact that love doesn’t win. I thought love would win. I believed in someone more than you could ever know. People, humans, are not worth believing in, yet I believed in you more than anyone should. And the cold hard truth, the cold hard stupid truth is, I still do. I do not believe in you for loving me, nor for ever loving me, but I believe in you as a human being. I believe in you as an individual. I believe in the goodness I know you have. I believe in the brilliance I know you have. I believe in the beauty you hold within your soul. I trusted you. I trusted you more than anyone should trust another human being. And well, that crushed me. I felt so unbelievably safe with you. I felt that everything would be okay no matter what when I was with you. I was forever scared you would leave me. I was forever scared you never thought I was good enough. I was forever scared you would wake up and realize I was not worth it. Case point.

But I don’t know if it is your actions, your touch, your voice, or your words, but, I felt so safe with you. Its hard to explain. Like how multiple times you wanted me to explain why I was in love with you. I am in love with you because I feel this feeling that is indescribable. This feeling that I would do anything for you. This feeling that I get excited to just think of you or hear your name. This feeling that my heart aches knowing you might not be okay. This feeling that I want to be the one for you. I could tell you a million reasons why I am in love with you and why I love you, but those are just words. They mean nothing. I thought I showed you? I thought me being there day or night if you needed me, as much in person as I could and if I could not be then answer the phone. I thought me letting you know I cared for you as much as I could reassured you of my love. I thought the way I would hold you showed you I loved you; the way I kissed your forehead. I thought doing my best to take you to appointments, research for you, or be there for you when you were sick was what you do to prove you love someone. I thought buying you things you wanted and planning to do things you wanted to do was showing love. And I still do not understand how you saw none of that as love. And now the tears fall again, like water, because I loved you so much and I tried EVERYTHING to show it and prove it, I would have done anything for you, but in the end it never mattered. You did not care. I cared enough for both of us. Just how it is humanly possible to love someone so much more than they can love you; I do not comprehend that.

My life with you was a fantasy until I believed it was real. I do not think I believed it was real until the last time you were at my place. You came to me. You cared about us. And I thought we had a great talk, but it was not real either. It should have ended that day, Honey. You should not have come to see me. Then I would not have had to feel/watch you slowly push me away. I would not have had to feel the choice you were making. And then I would not have had to know that you did not want to be with me on my birthday. I would not have had to know that you lied that you were tired from appointments when in fact you were tired because you moved to a new home without a mention of it to me when weeks ago you told me you wanted my help in moving. I wouldn’t have had to watch you open that picture of you and your Father and have that be my last real moment with you. I would not have bought you that Valentine’s Day necklace that is now sitting useless in a drawer. I would not have had to have you tell me that we did Christmas not because you wanted to but because you wanted things to be normal. I love you to this day. And no one gets that. Hell, not even I. You abandoned me. You hurt me with words. You never even communicated with me. You said I showed you disrespect; you didn’t respect me anymore than I you. It takes two.

And the difference between you and I is I regret it all. I would do anything different to get to be your friend still. That I know I made mistakes. That I know I am not perfect. But that I know I love you. And that nothing I did had any intention of hurting you; I was trying to just get you back. I was trying to win your love. I was trying to prove to you that you are worth not giving up on no matter what. And I cannot get it through my damn head that to you, I am worth giving up on. And I cannot let myself, ever, fully give up on you. I can tell people over and over it is over, but I will never give up on you, or us. I will take you, I will take us to my deathbed. I cannot understand after knowing how you looked at me and how you treated me, that you can just unlove me. That you can go from wanting me to hating me and never needing or wanting to see or talk to me again. And it hurts, oh my God, it hurts so much. The greatest 2 years of my life were nothing. They count as nothing. And I don’t think you have ever felt the pain I have and I know you have felt some bad shit in your life. But believe me, my heart is much bigger than yours in a way (although I did not realize that until I met you), and you have never felt the heartache that you have given me. Six months now and the pain just will not go away. We only got 2 years together, but it felt like a lifetime. And supposedly I am supposed to forget it ever happened? Throw away, burn the memories. The memories, you, how do I just forget them. They were the best 2 years of my life in the sense that I was with my soulmate. A woman who changed me. Who I was able to share with things that I can’t just tell anybody. A woman who when I was with made the rest of world just disappear. You are amazing. And even after all the hate you have shown me, all the lies you have told me – I still think you are amazing and I still believe in you.

And I believe something is wrong. If the whole 2 years were not a lie, even if ONE day was not a lie, something is wrong. This is not you. I do not know the pre-accident Woman, but I do know that you are not this person. I know that you leave relationships that do not fit you. I know that you get scared. I know things about you I will not even say out loud to myself or to you or to anyone. Because they are things and feelings that are indescribable so impossible to do. But they are feelings that you are better than this. You are better than who you think you are at times. You are better than me, yes, I know. You are better than most people. Because I know your heart. Deep down, your heart is amazing, unstoppable, compassionate, crazy, fun, endearing, and I can’t explain this to anyone. So, no one understands. I do not think you even understand this. And how you think I said anything bad about you to my ‘horrible’ friends is beyond me. They know the pain I have been in so they try to help me, but all I do is stand up for you. I am always just defending you. It is ridiculous. But you do not just stop loving someone. I just do not know what to do anymore. I do not want to live like this. I do not want that piece of my heart damaged. But I cannot change that. I did not just lose a friend; I lost the closest friend I have ever had, I lost my soulmate, I lost an amazing life, I lost a family, I lost knowledge, I lost a part of me that I never knew existed.

I want you to be okay. And with God as my witness you will be. As if I am ever able to help you in anyway still, I will and I would. No matter the consequences. That is another huge difference between you and me. I would be there in an instant to help you or yours. No questions asked. You were my everything. I know you do not want to hear that. But you were. I idolized you. I was infatuated with you. I wanted you. I loved you. And yes, I did even need you. I can’t forget you, nor do I want too. I would rather be in pain the rest of my life to hold on to your memory than be pain free and have no recollection of you. I am a stupid stupid woman, but you don’t understand what you mean to me.