Snow... Flake

It's Christmas time, queue the Christmas music, movies, all things sparkly, snowflakes and Santa's nice-list but there is one thing that is guaranteed to put a damper on the Christmas spirit- flakey friends! Friends who "flake," what do I mean? It's a trademark for people who live in California, or so it seems. If I'm ever heard complaining about it out loud, I receive the reassuring words, "oh yeah, it's a California thing." I'm not used to having flakey friends at all. I'm used to friends who want to spend time doing things together. Friends who can't wait to finish work to hang out or who want you to drop by just to say hi!

I get it, Covid has put a damper on a lot of our social activities. We all went through an outdoor hiking or restaurant outing phase this summer to somehow stay within safety guidelines. Of course, each state has their own partial or full lockdown situations. You can't eat with a mask on though so move the dinner plans to the great outdoors, even if it's just outside on the sidewalk of the restaurant. My point is that we had to make a plan, a risky seeming one at that, to hang out. Then came the holidays, for Thanksgiving I went to a gathering of no more than 12 people since that was the cap. I have no idea what the cap is for Christmas, I just know that there are some friends who I have not seen in person for this entire year who I would really like to see! Some of my friends have gone through life-changing surgeries, others have moved house or apartment and even returned to their home state. Is it too much to expect to see the ones who have stayed and who are practically my neighbors? You would think not but surprisingly it is...

I invited 3 people over to cook with me for Christmas. These are 3 people whose company I actually enjoy and I'm picky because my friends back home are awesome. There are rapid Covid tests on every street corner in Los Angeles, you can have your results within 15 minutes. Covid is not the reason for your flakey-ness. Plans are underway and have been underway with one friend in particular for weeks now. Plans as in, gift exchanges which involve shopping... A task for the strong at heart in this covid-crazy world with added shipping delays. Plans as in cooking dishes or making desserts... I locked in my group of 4, me included and finally sent out a group chat message. Moments later, a 2 paragraph, seemingly well thought out explanation why this person will not be making it. What!? What do I do with all the time spent, all the plans made, all the... everything!? If you didn't know what the word FLAKE meant, now you do.

Being the understanding person that I am, impatient, but striving for more tolerance, I was about to write her off. Suddenly, all her other flakes came to mind. There is no excuse for every single plan we've ever made to be cancelled at the last minute. There is something called prioritizing your time and who you spend it with. Something that Covid has explicitly taught us this year. Our time is not only short but extremely valuable and should be spent wisely. This "friend" has chosen to spend that time with someone undeserving of her time for this entire quarantine. She didn't seem that concerned about catching Covid from this person who not only had an active social life but who also traveled to different countries and states. I get it, everyone has needs and not everyone can meet those needs but should I empathize with the fact that I'm just not that important to this person? This is me trying not to throw a hissy fit and write off someone who I happen to consider a friend, just a flakey one.

I have a new roommate who flakes almost as fast as the words leave her mouth. On second thought, this might be why I have more friends who are male than female. I hate to make it a gender issue but it seems like my male friends don't flake and my female friends always do. Since I can only think of my 3 female friends in California to reference, I would say that it's at a 100% rate that the reason they flake is related to relationship issues. Not ours, no, the relationship that they choose to be in, the one with all the problems. I'm a problem solver, maybe my friends aren't into solving theirs. No, they do, or I should say, they want me to offer the advice that they won't follow to solve a problem that they aren't ready to solve. They flake on me for boys, it's that simple.

How do I solve this problem? One of those friends actually got mad at me because I was dating back in March when the quarantine started and never wanted to hang out. She accused me of only wanting to hang out with my boyfriend and she was right, but did I flake? I recall just turning down every invitation, that's not the same thing as saying "yes" just to say "no" closer to the date. I'm not a flake. I value my time and other people's time. If anything, I start with a no, then see if it can possibly become a yes. I'm anti-flake.

Maybe I should start a courtesy friendship flaker calendar or point system? Give each friend 5 flakes until they no longer make the calendar? At which point, I will reclaim my time and spend it on things that bring me value. Testing my patience and tolerance level is not valuable or maybe I'm not seeing it's value. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind by the great Albert Einstein, “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” But sometimes, just sometimes, you want to share in happy times with people you care about despite them actually being happy themselves. It's an interchange, I'm an optimist but I don't expect all of my friends to be optimists. I actually like the balance of one or two pessimists and definitely some realists.

My house is ready for my group of 3 or 4 to come over. 2 of us are cooking together and I can't wait! I should also mention that I'm alone in California, my family does not live here and I'm not going home for the holidays. I even built an outdoor space that's so comfy and bohemian for my friends to enjoy. Pictured is the outdoor space coming together, finishing touches will be made on the day of. It's California, we're having a 70-degree, warm-winter, Christmas. What more could you wish for!? On Christmas day, my likeminded friends who are also not going home for the holidays will be here! One of my friends is bringing his guitar. Speaking of music, Mariah Carey's "Jesus Oh What a Wonderful Child" is playing right now and it's making me want to sing praises aloud for everyone to hear!

I'm filled with Christmas cheer! My gifts are all wrapped, others are on their way... Who knows, maybe my flakey friend whose plans are now to do a "drive by gift and dessert exchange," might decide to hang out with us outside! Ya know, like fresh air and social distancing time? I even told her to wear a mask at all times and sit away from the 3 other guests, who have provided their Covid negative detected test results. *wishful thinking* I mean, she first has to actually drive to my house (another thing Californians do not like to do, leave their house or drive anywhere) Today's text said that my gift is delayed and might not get here "in time," after which she blamed FedEx. Hey, if it shows up at all, not only is it more than I can say for her but I will be eternally happy. Otherwise it just comes off as another contrived reason why she won't make it... Merry Christmas and a no flakey New Years wish to you and yours! We've been through enough this year, I'm hopeful for next year and I think we should make these last days and moments together count and even make up for all the lost time. Have a happy and safe holiday season.