Signs a Friend is Toxic

I see a lot of memes on social media about friendships and toxic people. Some say that walking away from a friend makes you a bad person ... but what if the person you walked away from was toxic to you?

One way to tell who is toxic is to look at who moves on and who keeps talking to everyone about the other person. The person who keeps talking is trying to hold on because they lost their "whipping boy," for lack of a better term. Generally, when a friend has a toxic friend, the victim will go on with life and not say things to others, aside from perhaps an initial note to let people know that they've stepped away and don't want to hear about the person anymore. The toxic person will take any chance they can get to talk negatively about that former friend, calling them toxic, narcissistic, uncaring, etc.

The important thing to take away from your former friendship is the knowledge that you are not who someone else says you are. Who you are perceived to be by others is a reflection of who they are, not who you are. We often call this projecting.

When do you know it's time to walk away? It's different for everyone. Some of us want to give people second and third chances to get things right. However, at some point, you have to realize that letting go of overly toxic friends is a form of self-care.

I found this excellent video that correlates some of the tips we have for you below but also has some other points to let you know when it's time to walk away. Don't skip what we have to say! You'll get even more insight, and perhaps save yourself years of stress putting up with someone who doesn't have your best interests in mind.

They are overly critical of you

Imagine having a friend who is always telling you what you're doing wrong in your life. They think you're doing things wrong in your career, in your romantic relationships, in your hobbies, and perhaps even complaining about how you share things on social media.

They chastise you for your goals, but then they'll congratulate other people for achieving those same goals. It's like you're not good enough to succeed, in their eyes, so they want to talk you out of pushing forward with your hopes and dreams.

It's even worse if this friend is younger than you, has less life experience than you, or is trying to give you unwanted advice on things they know less than you about. This friend is not worthy of your time and energy -- please move on before they suck all of the joy out of your life!

They refuse to respect your boundaries

I cannot scream loud enough about boundaries and the importance of upholding them. There are multiple ways to set boundaries with your friends, the first of which is telling them what they are. You can offer subtle reminders through things like memes on social media, or even talking to them about other people leaping over the same boundaries they are ignoring.

If you have a friend who never seems to be able to remember or respect your boundaries, it's time to move on. This is a sign they don't actually care about you at all.

They're all about the gossip

Toxic people spend most of their time talking about other people in a negative light. If your toxic friend is talking about other friends with you, about how they can't hold a job, are controlled by their spouses, are lazy, or that their own significant other is stealing from them and how much they hate that person, they're likely doing the same with your name to those people.

Sometimes they'll try to suck you into their gossip tirade to get you to say bad things about those other people so they can use your words against you later.

Perhaps their zodiac sign has something to do with their need to gossip:

Or, perhaps they have nothing better to do with their lives. Either way, while a gossiping friend is no reason to walk away from the friendship, if you can't trust that they're not talking about you behind your back or telling others what they coerced you into saying, perhaps it's time to exit the friendship and not just the conversation.

They're shallow

Gossip is shallow, but toxic people tend to find shallowness in more than just talking about others. They want to talk about surface things only, never looking to get into the deep topics -- unless they're talking about themselves, of course. They'll talk about frivolous things, like the stuff they bought, rather than diving deep into topics that are intellectual and help people get to know one another better. This is likely because they're worried you'll discover that they're more concerned about themselves than they are about the other people in their lives, including you.

Try having a deep conversation with your shallow friend. Do they sink?

They complain, a lot

Have you ever had one of those people in your life who never seems to have a good day? They complain about what happened at their job, what their significant other or children did that annoyed them, and how they just can't seem to get ahead with whatever their struggles are. Nothing is ever good enough for them, but they also don't seem to do anything to make their life better either. They'd rather wallow in their misery...

And then, they start in on you, because misery loves company. They want you to complain too, even when you don't have anything to complain about. And, if you show them your life is happy, they'll plot ideas, push buttons, and pick the right words to say to work you right down to their level.

While there is likely an underlying issue for their negativity and despair in life, it isn't your job to be their therapist. If they refuse to make healthy and positive changes, you can surely step away to save your own sanity.

Things seem one-sided

We've all been in one-sided relationships, whether with friends or romantic partners, at least once or twice in life. You put in way more love and care than they do ... they want your support, but they don't do anything to support you.

In fact, you may find that when you seek support outside the friendship, a toxic friend will talk down about you and your goals. They're attention seeking -- you're putting something out there for others because you're not getting what you need from them, so they're going to try to make you look bad.

Now, don't mistake a busy friend for someone who doesn't want to make time for you. We all have busy lives. But when it comes to something as simple as sharing a post on social media for a friend, and your friend refuses to do it, yet you share stuff for them, this is one-sided, and it isn't going to change.

I also want to point out that it doesn't matter who reaches out to who first, who starts the conversations, etc. What matters is being there for each other. If you are always there for someone and they aren't doing the same, it wears you down. You may start putting less effort into the relationship too -- which then gives your toxic pal more ammo to make you look like the bad guy in the end. It's just not worth it.

They've got to be the center of attention

Some of us shy away from being the focal point in a room or conversation. It's an uncomfortable place to be. We want to blend in and seem like part of the crowd, rather than having a spotlight pointed in our faces.

A toxic person is more likely to crave that limelight. They want everyone to pay attention to them. These are the people with hundreds or thousands of "friends" on social media when they've likely only met a dozen or so in person. They are more likely to air their dirty laundry in public so they can get people to feel sorry for them and make them feel superior.

This friend is never going to give you the attention you need in a friendship because they want it all for themselves -- they'll make it about them, and push you to the side. They'll say things or comment on posts in a way that takes people away from what you were saying and brings them into their own conversation -- a sign of their need to be in control. After all, if they can't control the people in their lives then they'll be forced to focus on how out of control their lives really are.

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Unfortunately, your toxic friend likely needs help, on many levels. But it is not your responsibility to take care of them. Move on, walk away, and take care of yourself. Perhaps your choice to let them go will be the push they need to seek help ... and, if not, that's still not your problem.