Should I stay or should I go?

Every adult on this planet would have to face this question at least once during their lifetime. Having to end a relationship recently, I was ruminating over “should I stay or should I go.” Deciding to leave a relationship is never an easy task even when I know it’s time to choose myself first. We are no longer compatible with each other and this relationship has run its course. Staying much longer will only increase its level of toxicity for both of us.

Esther Perel called this stage of mind, relational ambivalence. She described it as contradictory thoughts and feelings of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear – makes us constantly wonder: should I stay or should I go?

Even when the writing has been on the wall all along, our primal needs to be loved and our emotional attachment to our partner would convince us to stay through questioning, like:

What if it gets better?

What if I am just not trying hard enough?

What if I am giving up too soon?

What if she (he) is happier with someone else?

What if I never find a better partner?

What if leaving is a mistake?

What would I do if I miss her (him)?

Love is one of our primal needs, and we all have an innate fear of being unloved and abandoned. Walking out of a relationship, even if it’s our own decision, will still inflict pain and scar our heart. A failure in a relationship often feels like a validation of the belief that I am not good enough and unworthy of love.

This breeds the thought of being in a crappy relationship is better than having no relationship. Let’s be honest, most of us have fear of being alone. After all, don’t we have to put up with bad family relationships? We can leave our partner, but we cannot truly leave our parents, siblings, or children. Hence, we put up with them! We even mold ourselves to meet their demands, right?

Relational ambivalence is a sign of a wounded inner child who grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent. This wounded inner child had to give and please their parents or caretaker for gaining love and acceptance. Our childhood wound is also our internal motive to chase perfection so that we can be loved and accepted. Because deep down, we feel ashamed and rejected the “imperfect part of us.” Ruptured parts of us are what don’t fit into others’ expectations.

This childhood upbringing developed into a belief that love doesn’t come easily and that it’s essential to fight for love. Love becomes an emotional reward in proportion to our hard work! The more energy we put into earning love, the more love brings fulfillment to our souls. It is also human’s natural behaviour to appreciate more of what is harder to get in life.

This is a fallacy of love! This is an emotional attachment. Forget about the idea of having a connection, chemistry, or butterfly in the stomach feeling with someone is enough. Building a healthy relationship requires a partnership between two adults who are ready to do their part. Creating harmonious, deep bonding and authentic relationship needs both partners to have self-awareness of their wounds and love rejection patterns. Alongside, being emotionally available for each other so that their relationship becomes a safe container for growth and healing.

Lao Tzu once said love is not an emotion, love is an action! Love is a projection of the depth of our self-love. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. And we teach others how to treat us by showing them how we treat ourselves. This is why practicing self-love elements like compassion, forgiveness, healthy boundaries, or trusting our intuition is a crucial step toward creating a mature, loving, and supportive relationship. And most importantly, prioritise yourself first! You are the most important person in your world.