Share some Valentine's Day love with the singles in your life

Being single on Valentine’s Day can bring a host of unexpected emotions, from jealousy to apathy to relief. My own journey on this heart-shaped holiday has been a roller coaster ride as I navigated dating, marriage, and divorce.

I admit that I’m not the easiest person to please on Valentine’s Day because of my disdain for generic gifts like a dozen red roses or a box of chocolates. There’s something about getting the “oh shit it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m supposed to get you something so I stopped by the drugstore on the way home” that doesn’t warm my heart.

Full disclosure: I will gladly accept a box of chocolates any other day of the year.

But I do have some good Valentine's Day gift memories. When my ex-husband and I were dating and still in college, I made him red and white striped flannel pajamas with heart buttons and homemade fortune cookies that I dyed red and filled with love notes.

A couple of years later we were married and living in Manhattan and the tables were turned.

There was a consignment store around the corner of our apartment building and I would often stop by on my way home from work. One day in early February there was an earring and necklace set on display in the front window. Large oval amethyst stones surrounded by diamonds, set in gold. The were costume of course, not from a royal vault, but I found the sparkling jewels mesmerizing.

I don’t even wear much jewelry and certainly nothing this fancy, but as I gazed at the matching set on the headless mannequin, the reflection in the window was me wearing this elegant jewelry. In a real-life rendering of my favorite childhood story, Cinderella, my fairy godmother waved her wand and I was Princess Diana. Yes, it was the 80s.

I told him about “the jewels” with a “can you imagine having a place to wear something like that?” kind of nonchalance. A couple days later we were walking home and I excitedly said, “Oh, let me show you!” I ran to the window and… they were gone. Of course something that beautiful wouldn’t last.

As you’ve probably guessed by now, he had bought them and presented them to me on Valentine’s Day. I was beyond thrilled. Not only did I get to pretend to be a princess now and then, but he had listened to me and actually made the effort to buy them. A great memory.

But, as Princess Diana and I found out, fairytales don’t always last. Cinderella should come with a disclaimer: Warning - The relationship in this book reflects early-stage euphoria and not the reality and hard work of long-term commitments.

That first Valentine’s Day after my divorce was brutal.

Everywhere I went there were hearts and flowers that seemed to shout that the only way to be happy was to be coupled. At this point I lived in San Francisco and had two young sons. We walked down 24th Street and every shop window mocked me with candy, flowers, red and pink clothing displays, heart-shaped cookies and cakes and bread. Seriously? Heart-shaped bread? Is that necessary?

I took my two young sons to Target to buy the coveted box of 30 Power Rangers Valentines for the school exchange and every end-cap was Valentine themed. Even the carts were red. OK, the carts are always red at Target but at this time of year it seemed like overkill. I’m sure I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling sorry for myself.

One of the great things about having kids is that after a bad day, you see their sweet faces and life goes on. I got my emotional equilibrium back and remembered how much love I have in my life and all the things I have to be grateful for. But that first post-divorce Valentine’s Day was tough.

A few years later, I had mastered the art of being single on Valentine’s Day but a friend was struggling. I decided to make her “first” a little brighter and, as I was buying a small flowering plant and card for her, I thought about other single friends. I bought gifts for them too and left them on their doorsteps on Valentine's Day.

It wasn’t expensive or overly sentimental, just a simple reminder that a friend was thinking of them and that you don’t have to be in love, to be loved.

Years later, my friend told me how much this meant to her and how it helped her get through that first post-divorce Valentine’s Day. I’ve learned the hard way that anything more than a brief pity party is counterproductive. The best way to make yourself feel better is to do something nice for someone else.

Valentine’s Day has evolved with Galentine parties and other ways for singles to celebrate, but there are even more in-your-face reminders now that everyone’s on social media. People often think they don’t care about any of it until the day (or night) is staring them in the face and the emotions catch them off guard.

If you have a friend or family member who’s single, especially if this is their first Valentine’s Day after a break-up, share some love and surprise them with a little something to brighten their day. You’ll both feel better.

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