Shades of love

I’m a thirty-five-year-old bartender, yet I never got married because I don’t believe in a lifelong monogamous relationship. It’s not only what the drunk regulars tell me that does not make me trust in sexual honesty for one person but also my first love, which ended in disaster. When I found the girl I trusted in bed with my best friend, I got mad. She tried to convince me that her heart was with me and what she did was not more than a one-night stand – casual sex. I tried to understand her logic and forget her body’s image reacting with my best friend’s body and forgive her, but I couldn’t.

Few months of jealousy and pain passed, then the Blackbird song’s lyrics took me out of melancholy. I felt The Beatles were talking to me and decided to take my broken wings and learn to fly all my life. In the beginning, it was not easy. I was still with the traditional belief that the love relationship between man and woman is supposed to end in marriage, having kids, and raising them. My parents told me that people, who can’t control their desire and go for several affairs at one time, are morally deficient.

As it usually happens, I went eventually from one extreme to another extreme. I started with hooking whoever available and took her to my bed to have a hot night. I did deal with sex as a challenging game – I’m the hunter, and the women are the victims. I seduced drunk ladies from the bars or poor girls in need of sweet words. And when the night was dry, I didn’t mind paying whoever accept to sell. I had in mind a milestone of bringing a hundred women to my bed, and when I crossed that milestone, I raised the number to two hundred. I was not a lover but a collector interested in the extensive collection, where the volume was more important than the value.

Over time, I wondered if what I was doing was a make-up for a psychological deficiency! I asked myself days and nights if finding out that my first love cheated on me made me lose confidence in myself, but my ego never agreed, and on the contrary, pushed me to go further ahead and achieve a higher milestone. To make sure I didn’t make a mistake in the number of women visiting my bed, I wrote their names in my notebook. When the number crossed a new milestone of three hundred, I was sure that such achievement did not help me build a solid sense of self-worth or feel fulfilled.

The turning point in my life took place when I met with Sofia. She came to the bar late at night and asked for a Commonwealth cocktail. I shrugged; mixing such a cocktail was far beyond my experience. It consists of 71 ingredients and includes everything from prickly pear from Namibia and okra from Jamaica to honey from New Zealand and saffron from Pakistan.

“Madam, I’m afraid I don’t have all ingredients needed. What else can I serve you?”

She looked me in the eye and asked for a glass of Merlot.

I liked Sofia’s choice. Merlot is my favorite, especially when it’s served in a crystal hip large glass, which helps discover the shy attributes of a merlot.

Sofia swirled the glass, smelled the berries and spices, and sipped to taste, “ Excellent, It’s Jetbird - Merlot 2019. Isn’t it?”

“Yes, the best of Bright Cellars.”

That’s how we started from loving Merlot and talking a lot every time Sofia visited the bar, till we found many things we had in common. We both liked fruity candy, iced and sweet tea, Margarita, and cranberry juice. Later on, we couldn’t always talk a lot; Sofia started to come with a man’s company. She never showed up with the same man twice but always behaved with her accompany like she was a woman in love.

I don’t say Sofia’s attitude bothered me, but it indeed caused my curiosity and encouraged me to invite her for dinner on my day off and talk more frankly about who we are and what we expect from life. Sofia’s reaction to my invitation was funny. She brought up her glass and took a large swallow, then another, and laughed, “are you dating me?” she laughed more, “tell me the truth, are you dating me?”

“No, not at all. I just thought, let us go out and talk. Yes, to talk, and that’s all.”

“Then, we may talk here.”

“I know,” I answered and turned to serve a drink to another regular.

Sofia noticed that her refusal annoyed me and said something to break the silence, “You know, The name Merlot is similar to the French word “Merle,” which is a blackbird.

“I know.”

“ And that makes sense. The dark grape clusters are dark black and blue.”

“I know.”

She laughed, “What’s wrong with you! What’s that I know … I know!”

“I know.”

“Come on. You know! The best appetizer that goes with Merlot is Cheese trays.” She had a long breath and continued, “hearty potato skins, rich Italian olives, and grapes.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, “is this a hint that we may go out for dinner?”

“I am not sure!”

A few days later, over dinner and a bottle of Merlot, Sofia and I found that we had more things in common than fruity candy, iced and sweet tea, and those things. Sofia also did not believe in a lifelong monogamous relationship since she found out that her ex-husband had been cheating on her. Her ex-husband talked a lot to convince her what he did was expected and that monogamous was a big lie, and she agreed with him.

“Yes, I agreed with him.” She told me in a relaxed manner, “and that was why I divorced him and started to hook different men till I got tired.”

“Tired!”

“We need someone to share love and things in common.”

“like fruity candy!”

“Yes, like fruity candy.” She smirked, “but I don’t want to get back to the prison of monogamous!”

“Neither me.”

“But we can be good friends.”

“We’re already good friends.”

Three months later, Sofia moved to live with me but in a separate room. Till now, we don’t admit that we are lovers, but we enjoy spending time together, watching T.V and drinking a glass of Merlot when it’s windy and raining, and we don’t like to go outside.