Self-Sabotage.

Here you are, faced with probably the most confusing feeling that you cannot possibly comprehend why this feeling even exists. You have met someone, someone kind, someone willing to listen, someone faithful, someone with perfect imperfections. But still, here you are having doubts.

This feeling is glass, glass that is on the edge of the table, balancing. Will it balance carefully and long enough for you to put it back where it belongs? Or will you nudge it to see if it stays or falls over??

This seems a bit cryptic, but here we go. You’re in a good place, you are happy, then you start to think… Do I just think I am happy?? Am I meant to be happy?? This is a common question when there has been hurt of some kind, pain. This individual has come into your life and brought something that you never thought was realistic because you have simply passed all that optimistic bullshit, you’re a realist, maybe even a pessimist. Alex (let us call her/him/it Alex) is this newness, this unorthodox freshness. Alex is something you have never faced before and never thought you will meet but here Alex is, in the flesh. Like a cat studying every moving thing before striking, you watch Alex and see what this person is about, you’re asking yourself questions, “looks pretty normal to me, but acts pretty strange, acts kind, genuinely so kind, why? Why with me?”. The more you observe your Alex the more Alex consumes you, you are now intrigued, you want to know more. Alex listens when no one else is, Alex sees that you have some dents, she sees your war wounds, you are perfect, Alex says again “perfect”. You are perplexed, in the time you have used to study Alex he has seen what you consider flaws of yours, she has seen the part of you that is not so great, she has seen parts that you consider broken and needs fixing, but he has got 20 20 vision, and all she sees is perfection, nothing that needs repairing just perfection. You start to wonder, “Alex cannot fix me, Alex is doing this to infiltrate my safe space and break me more, I’ve been here before”, there it is. The glass. You might be right, but you might also be wrong, you tell Alex how you feel, Alex is not offended, Alex picks words so gracefully, “I could never fix you, because there is nothing to fix, I want you as you are, at whatever pace you’re willing to take and if you would have me there, for you.” Oh, is this a game, am I a joke to you Alex?? Alex is really not giving to much away, how are you meant to crack this case? See if Alex’s intentions are good? But months have passed and you have tried and tried and Alex has been nothing short of who you thought, a genuinely good person. Nevertheless here you still are looking at this glass, why has it not fallen, because that’s all glasses do, break when they are not kept carefully and then sometimes it ends up cutting you when you forget to wear your flipflops. Then it happens, it falls off the edge of the table, but there is no clash there is no shattering sound it is just there on the grounds waiting for you at your own time to pick it up. That glass was Alex and you were just afraid to love and be loved. Your inability to fathom genuine happiness and love has caused you to neglect any form of it and question every intention. Alex comes in different forms, your mother, father, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend or stranger. Self-sabotaging is very normal but barely talked about, it happens a lot. You are faced with something good, someone who cares and is there but because you have been hurt so many time and have lost trust in humanity, you self-sabotage. You question your Alex and hammer at Alex time and time again until you’ve gotten rid of them, then end up trapped in a bubble of sadness because the little voices in your head won this round. No moral to this story because the story keeps writing itself until it is truly over, but you will undeniably emerge from this chapter in due time because you are also an Alex.

Love you. xoxo