Scattered Journaled Thoughts

I don’t even like being on my phone at this point. So, why can’t I stop checking it 24/7?

Oh! I know why, because I’m a walking, talking anxiety attack, and have become overtime, a little bit of an attention whore (I say “a little bit” to make myself feel better about it) And I CRAVE validation in any form, even if it’s just one insta/fb like. That’s one of the things that I cannot stand about myself and I try to keep it under control or at least hide that part of myself because I’m aware that seeking something like that from external sources is not healthy, and on top of that, it’s just not a good look.

I’m aware that validation is something to be seeked within, I try to be better with that. But I don’t know, lately it’s become difficult to keep that part of me under control.

I’m now way too involved in social media, more than I ever was before, and I can’t only blame that on Ms. Corona.

It’s almost as if my whole life is in there. More like, it gives me a life. I’m able to display myself on there as if I’m some sort of voice that’s important, but at this point I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself. I can’t tell at this point if I’m having an ego death, or if my ego is more inflated than it’s ever been. I feel like a big joke, and that everyone is laughing at me behind the scenes where I can’t see.

I feel like I’m trying to keep up a certain appearance but at the same time I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about me at this point, yet I’m very defensive.

I’m all over the place, probably emotionally unstable. I really wonder if it’s noticeable, if people actually see this of me and just don’t say anything. Could they all just be having one big laugh behind my back? Or am I just the same equivalent to a speck of dust in their mind?

I also feel like an egotistical bitch for even asking that question, for even thinking that I could be on somebody’s mind that heavily, but at the same time, I know that some people really have that much time on their hands to be hateful towards someone that challenges their ego in any way, and I have no doubt that I’ve been challenging other’s egos a lot lately since I’ve become more outspoken, at least on social media. I feel like a little act such as being outspoken on social media, or even giving myself a little props in any way, places a target on my back for jealous and spiteful people to aim at when I say or do something to threaten their illusions or ego, even if I don’t realize I’m doing it or how and when I’m doing it. I am in fact aware that I can say things sometimes that trigger people, but I cannot pin point what it is that I’m saying that is too much.

Then there are times when I feel that I do have the right and that I am entitled to speak my mind as often as I want. What people may not understand about me is that, when I act upon that now, it’s because I’ve held back from speaking my truth for most of my life so far. It wasn’t until this year as I’m writing this at 23 years old, that I’ve really started to stand up for myself, defend myself, actually SPEAK for myself and have found some value in what I have to say.

It’s very evident here that I am emotionally and mentally indecisive at this time. Lots of back and forth feelings going on here. I am constantly going back and forth on a spectrum of “Fuck what anybody says or thinks” and “OMG I am doing the absolute MOST, just shut up for once.”

Yeah, I think I’m going through an ego death...

One moment I want to be seen, valued, and appreciated for the great person I know I can be, but then again....... I dread the attention and when I feel as if I’m actually being noticed, I feel like a big joke, and that I’m being watched because I’m thought of as a fool and THAT amuses people.

I’m a scattered mess. One moment I feel like I’m under a microscope, and then after awhile of thinking that, I feel foolish for even thinking anyone cares enough to be looking at me and I tell myself to get over myself. Am I that self absorbed or do I actually lack the attention and recognition that I crave. I can’t tell at this point.