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I Was Too Young

It Was Way Too Soon

By Sarah JessicaPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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My Mother and I

I’m only 23, and I’ve experienced more than enough grief before I even really started to live my life.

I’ve dealt with plenty of grief in such impressionable ages in my life. But there is 1 in particular that stands out and even feels different from the rest, and that was my very first experience with grief. To this day, I can’t fully describe what that one was, and still is like.

It started at 4 years old. I was very young, already very vulnerable, and very fragile.

It was the first of multiple times I’ve experienced the rug being pulled from beneath me. Probably the worst timing in anyone’s life to experience such trauma, pain, and loss.

A time when you don’t even understand or can identify what such emotions are, what they mean, and how to deal with them.

As well as a time when you need and are supposed to receive all the nurturing, the love, and attention in the world from the first 2 people you ever laid eyes on and learned to depend on since birth.

My mother, father, big brother and I.

My mother passed away while I was so young, 4 years of age.

It was such a big change that I had no control over, and had no choice but to adapt to in whatever way I knew how and that’s not something a 4 year would know how to do properly.

The really sad thing about it is that, I couldn’t even tell you what that experience was like for the 4 year old me firsthand myself.

Because of being so young, I’m sure that kind of trauma was so painful, and just too much for such a fragile mind at the time to process; so much so, that I’ve disassociated. Like I’ve just mentioned, a 4 year old of course wouldn’t know the proper way to cope with such a big, traumatic change and loss.

Right now at 23, I could not for the life of me explain or describe how I could’ve been feeling way back then, because I just simply do not remember. I can’t tell you what that grieving process was like then.

My grandmother, who has took me in and has raised me ever since, has told me about my behavior back then.

For example, my grandmother once told me that I would start crying out of nowhere and it seemed like I didn’t even know what I was crying for. She told me I would get angry and start acting up for no reason at random times. I hear things like that and can’t even imagine what that was like.

I can tell you one thing though, I really hurt for that little girl. She didn’t see it all coming and wasn’t prepared for such an event to happen. She was clearly in pain, she missed her mommy and didn’t know how to express it.

Even old photos with my mother and I before hand, I can’t even connect to. It’s like I’m looking at some other little girl that isn’t me.

I couldn’t even tell you much about my own mother and what she was like from my own personal experience. I don’t remember anything about her. I don’t think I ever will. I can only learn from what my family tells me about her.

I can indeed tell you what it’s like to grieve her now as an adult. I’m not much grieving over missing her per se, because I don’t even know or remember her enough to know what I’m missing. It’s more like I’m grieving over a missed opportunity, a life that I could’ve experienced if she was still here and never got sick, a relationship with my mother that could’ve progressed more.

How different would my life be? How would I have turned out if she was still here? Who would I be today, if things were different? Would I be completely different? Would I like or dislike who I could’ve been? Would I like the life I could’ve lived?

From time to time, those thoughts would run through my mind. Especially, whenever I’m feeling lost or when things don’t seem to be going right in my current reality.

That grief is a strange type of grief that I sometimes still struggle to understand.

grief
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About the Creator

Sarah Jessica

Hey, my name is Sarah! For the longest, I’ve wanted to share my own thoughts in a creative manner and as well as share my story. I’m now finally taking action and doing so by writing here on Vocal. Thank you for joining me on this journey.

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